Vladimir Putin, Stay Away From My Dog

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women

For obvious reasons, around this time of year calendars are popular items, be they desk calendars filled with inspirational sayings, wall calendars with cutesy pictures of kittens, or mildly naughty datebooks festooned with handsome firemen wearing somewhat less than their full working gear.

This is all fine and dandy, of course – to each her or his own with respect to calendars, says I.

Read on…

There is one exception to this general rule, however: Calendars which feature topless pictures of Vladimir Putin and picture-relevant quotes from the man himself.

Why do I object to this particular genre of timetable, you ask? Well, it’s one thing to sit around looking at the mushy midriff where Vlad presumably once had visible abdominal muscles, but quite another to do so while pondering his expressed “warm feelings” for dogs.

I’ve Always Wondered About That “Aquaman” Guy, Too….

Look, far be it from me to suggest a major political figure like Putin goes around trying to seduce certain four-legged members of the animal kingdom, but consider all the facts about the Russian leader’s new calendar and tell me you don’t find it at least a little creepy.

Vlad Putin Fishing Shirtless

First, we have Putin fishing with no shirt on. This might not seem like an overtly sexual act right off the bat, but think of it from the perspective of the fish; what is he supposed to think when he’s unceremoniously yanked from a peaceful body of water (by way of a hook to the lip, no less) only to be immediately confronted by Vlad’s frost-stiffened nipples?

If I were the fish, I might actually be relieved to learn all Putin has in mind is flaying and eating me, given the alternative. Plus, if I’m an educated fish, I might have read stories about other legendary leaders, like the Greek god Zeus, and their well-publicized penchant for shapeshifting in furtherance of sexual conquest, leading me to fear Vlad might actually be a perverted, fish-ravaging, horny Greek god in disguise.

It’s Just Man’s Best Friend, Putin, Not Man’s Best Friend With Benefits

Exhibit B in my case against Vlad the Fish-Impaler is a statement from the new calendar about Vlad’s affection for canines – a fondness he claims is mutual.

Along with a picture depicting Vlad “cuddling up” to a dog, the following quote from Vlad is displayed: “Dogs and I have very warm feelings for one another.”

Do tell, Vlad!

Actually, on second thought, don’t tell; I just ate breakfast yet and just like certain Tom Cruise characters, I’m not sure my stomach can handle the truth.

No doubt seeking to deflect suspicions about his lust for Labradors, Vlad neatly covers his tracks within the calendar quotes by heaping praise on Russian women, to whom he refers as “the most talented and the most beautiful.”

On the other hand, Putin also recently referred to Donald Trump as “very talented,” which leads me to wonder if Trump is, in fact, an exceptionally loquacious Irish Setter who has somehow learned to walk on his hind paws and say terrible things about Megyn Kelly at the same time.

Let Me Guess; You’re Wearing ‘Eau de Borscht,’ Right?

In other Putin-product news, the fearless, shirtless leader is also the inspiration behind Leaders Number One, a perfume described by its creator as “a warm scent, a textured scent.”

“It’s soft but at the same time it’s very firm,” added Vladislav Rekunov, the native of Belarus who concocted Leaders Number One.

“To start with it is rather citrusy, but then the aroma opens up you can feel its forest-like core – pines and fir cones,” added the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper in a review of the scent. “Finally there is musk and mung beans. Women like the fragrance even more than men.”

OK, I do have to admit I’ve always been a sucker for musk and mung beans, unless the context is a listing of stew ingredients. I’m not so sure about the “notes of lemon, bergamot and blackcurrant,” however; the last thing I need is to find myself trying to fall asleep at night while lying next to a guy who smells like the bulk foods section at Whole Foods – especially when he insists on always letting his dog sleep in the bed, as well.

At any rate, far be it from me to tell Russians what kind of calendars to tack to their walls. If they want to wake up each day to Vlad’s menacing grin, more power to ‘em.

All I ask is for my Russian friends to help keep their favorite shirtless fisherman and former KGB agent (who may or may not be clandestinely dating a xenophobic Republican Irish Setter) the hell away from MY dog.

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