So, Now It’s “Bizarre” To Blow My Nose?
If you’ve read much of Calico’s work, then you know one of her great loves is wild, salacious headlines — and one of her great pet peeves is when such headlines are followed by articles which don’t live up to the hype of the text which appears above them.
Calico ran across just such a headline in one of her favorite British tabloids just the other day, one which got the wheels of her mind spinning, trying to figure out what mysterious, highly unusual activity the headline could be referring to — one which supposedly raises a woman’s odds of having an orgasm, provided she does it just before having sex.
Read all about it in Calico’s latest post, “So, Now It’s ‘Bizarre’ To Blow My Nose
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples
If you’ve read much of my stuff in the past, then you know the only thing I like more than reading a nice, juicy headline is speculating about what that nice, juicy headline means before I read any further.
Sure, this approach is a terrible way to go about reading real news, but with the kind of fluff and nonsense I enjoy reading, I find that my entirely baseless speculation sometimes makes just as much sense as the actual article – and engaging in such speculation is way more fun than doing actual work, the avoidance of which is one of my few true talents.
Juicy Headlines Are Simply More Fun When Misinterpreted
For example, when I see a headline which reads “N.C. State coaches say don’t sleep on B.J. Hill,” my first assumption is there’s a hill near the North Carolina State campus which is a famous oral sex hookup spot – and either because, or in spite, of that reputation, coaches who work for the university don’t want their players sleeping on that hill.
As it turns out, though, B.J. Hill is a football player – and for obvious reasons (presumably including the fact it’s hard to play football with a sleeping person draped across your back), his coaches don’t want people sleeping on him.
See what I mean? Isn’t that a lot less fun than the notion of their being a Blowjob Hill near the N.C. State campus?
Granted, I would prefer a landmark like “Cunnilingus Cliff,” or even “Fingerbang Farms,” but so long as the men of N.C. State don’t look at the world the same way DJ Khaled does, I could live with “Mutual Oral-Pleasure Park” being called “B.J. Hill” for the sake of catchiness and marketing panache.
I Can Think Of Far Stranger Things Than Clearing My Nasal Passages
Given my flare for rapid-fire misinterpretation and equally-instant, illogical conjecture, I’m sure you’ll be able to appreciate my disappointment at finding out the real scoop behind the headline “Experts reveal the one bizarre thing women can do before sex to make it easier to have an orgasm.”
Ooooh – “experts” have revealed “the one bizarre thing” I can do before sex which will make it easier to have an orgasm? Naturally, my mind is racing to think of bizarre things I might do before having sex, with my assumption being the stranger the notion, the more likely it is to be the thing these experts have revealed.
Maybe I should try making a wacky, Kentucky Derby-style hat out of ground beef, then wearing it while tapdancing on the kitchen table and singing The Elements by Tom Lehrer? Or how about putting on my finest nightgown, then running the exercise par course at the park down the hill, but instead of doing the proscribed exercises at each station along the course, I can lug along a camping stove and offer to make pancakes for other people running the same course?
I could go on like this all day (and yes, that is a threat), but with all the possibilities out there of very strange, highly unusual things I could do before having sex which might improve my odds of having an orgasm, I’m sure it would take me years to come up with the correct answer.
So, according to the experts, what’s the bizarre thing I should be doing before sex?
“Women should blow their noses before they have sex to increase their chances of an orgasm, according to experts.”
WTF? Since when is blowing my nose a “bizarre” thing to do? Are they assuming I’m always wearing my theoretical Kentucky Derby meat-crown when I blow my nose? Do British women blow their noses in some incredibly unusual way, and that’s why The Mirror thinks blowing one’s nose is such an odd thing to do? Is it merely the idea of blowing your nose just before having sex which is so strange?
Maybe, in this case, I’m wrong to be disappointed at the revelation which informs this headline. After all, while my beef helmet guess was way off the mark, now I can speculate endlessly to my heart’s content about what British tabloid headline-writers think is so strange about blowing one’s nose.
Hey — wait a minute; maybe it’s the word blow that I’m misinterpreting! This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain hill in Raleigh, North Carolina, would it?
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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