This Xmas, For The Man Who Has Everything: Fingernails and Sweat?

This Xmas, For The Man Who Has Everything: Fingernails and Sweat?

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

I realize this is not exactly news, but some people are into some truly weird stuff.

If, like me, you work in the adult entertainment industry, you can’t help but know that some people are into some truly weird stuff, because that’s how we end up with websites like… well, like the one I was thinking about linking to from this sentence, but then thought better of that notion, because it’s the weirdest porn that Germans can come up with – which makes it possibly legally unwise to link to from this U.S.-based site.

Chain Chain Chain, Chain of… Beards?

Of course, you don’t have to be into porn to be into weird stuff. Just ask men who chain their beards together to not only break the record for longest beard chain, but more than double that record.

Honestly, I was a little disappointed to read they’d only been thus chained together for 31 seconds, because that seems like a copout. I think they should have spent at least a few weeks that way, just to see if they could organically grow the record by another couple feet.

Some folks are also weird about the things they choose to acquire, especially when it comes to collectibles – or, in some cases, things which wouldn’t be remotely collectible, but for the fact that they belonged to someone famous. Like, say, a pair of Birkenstocks once owned by the CEO of one of the world’s largest companies.

But hey – before you scoff at the $218,000 price tag on those used sandals, consider this: “The cork and jute footbed retains the imprint of Steve Jobs’ feet, which had been shaped after years of use.”

OK, now you can scoff.

When We Say “They Put Their Blood, Sweat and Tears Into This”, We Mean It

Anyway, taking the subject back to porn-related weird stuff people are into, I recently received a press release from a site called FansUtopia.com that is “now offering custom vials of body fluids in an effort to reap the rewards of an ever-growing demand for intimate specialty items that offer the ultimate in exclusivity.”

I know what you’re thinking: What; no fingernail clippings? Good news, my friend: The site also offers fingernail clippings! (And toenails, for the record.)

“Imagine literally having a piece of Siri Dahl whenever you want,” the site encourages its prospective customers. “To taste, smell and admire.”

On second thought, maybe you should hold off on the “taste” portion of that thing you’ve been asked to imagine, because further down the page, in ALL CAPS, the site admonishes you to “PLEASE NOTE THESE ITEMS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE CONSUMED OR USED IN ANY ILLEGAL ACTIVITY.”

Well, there goes my fantasy of sticking up a bank using a fake gun composed entirely of Siri Dahl’s toenails. What a buzzkill.

Challenge Accepted!

The site’s owner, one “Natasha” by name, says that she wants “buyers to feel as if nothing is off-limits when it comes to their requests,” adding “trust in me that I will do my best to meet their needs.”

If there’s one thing I immediately recognize, it’s a challenge. And I do believe Natasha has just challenged me to come up with something that will meet my needs, in light of the fact that nothing is off-limits here.

Along those lines, I would seriously dig it if Natasha can score me a vial of plaque scraped from Mick Blue’s teeth. This is assuming there is any plaque on Mick Blue’s teeth to begin with, of course; he seems like a guy who takes his personal hygiene quite seriously.

Sadly, judging by its current roster of star-parts (which in addition to Siri Dahl currently includes Kenzie Anne, Amirah Leia, Brittany Kade, Cara Belle, Bunny Madison, Nikki Sweet, Coco Lovelock, Kenna James, Kenzie Taylor and Samantha Mack) it appears FansUtopia is only catering to the obsessive and possibly slightly disconcerting tastes of male porn fans – which is just so typical of this industry.

Oh well. Perhaps someday I’ll be able to purchase Manuel Ferrara’s nostril hair trimmings, or Italian Stallion pubes from the legendary Rocco Siffredi, but it appears that this Christmas, I might be forced to make do with some bicycle shorts once owned by Elon Musk.