Is There Any Such Thing As “Emotionless” Sex?

Is There Any Such Thing As “Emotionless” Sex?

– Calico Rudasill,

sex no emotion

When I first became sexually active, back in the mid-80s, the old double-standard under which the tendency of young men to have sex (or try to, at least) with everything that moved was tolerated (or even encouraged), while chastity was expected of young women was alive and well, despite being called out by women repeatedly over the decades… or maybe that should be over the centuries?

At any rate, I never paid much attention to that double standard, or those who sought to criticize me by employing it. I was fortunate enough to be born into a household headed by parents who had no use for that sort of hypocrisy – and in which I lived with an older brother who always reinforced the idea that I was free to do everything (and everyone, for that matter) that he did, which made it easy for me to ignore people who thought otherwise.

To be clear, I have still been subjected to lots of other double-standards – at school, in the workplace, while trying to get a little customer service at any number of businesses which think of themselves as catering primarily to men, etc. etc. – but where sex is concerned, I’ve always felt free to pursue it as I please, where I please and with whom I please.

I’m Game – But I’ll Need a Penis, First

What got me thinking about the old sexual double-standard was a headline from Vogue: “Should Women Have Sex Like Men?” 

Honestly, I’d forgotten that, as is pointed out by the author of the piece (Tom Rasmussen), that this was the question that kicked off Sex and The City. So, my first thought was “If we’re talking about pegging, then I’m all for it.

Unfortunately, my husband feels differently about pegging than I do. On the bright side, his aversion to allowing me to fuck him in the ass with a fake penis has helped him accept my unwillingness to letting him put his real penis in my butt, so at least there’s a plus for me couched in his hang up.

Whether women should peg men was not, of course, what Carrie Bradshaw was wondering as those words scrolled across the screen in the series’ pilot.

Can We Have Emotion-Filled Sex for Power, Instead?

“The question was, in 1998, a synonym for a sort of late third-wave mentality where sex meant ‘power,’ and where ‘men’ meant ‘devoid of feeling, emotion, and care,’” Rasmussen explains. “And so the question — with gender removed and cultural context applied — becomes ‘should we have emotionless sex for power?’”

Rasmussen goes on to argue (after revealing that he has experimented quite a lot with trying to have emotionless sex) that “Good Sex without emotion is not possible.”

I agree with Tom – but I’ll take it one step further: In my view, sex of any kind without emotion isn’t possible.

Remember: Boredom and Despair Count as Emotions, Too

As Rasmussen notes, having good sex with emotion doesn’t mean “the emotions all have to be good themselves.”

“Yes, love, care, soothing touch, intimacy, connection, can feel good, and can feel healthy, when associated with sex,” he adds. “But even complicated emotions are important to access during sex, whether it’s delving the depths of your own shame, whether it’s about making you feel really really hot, whether it’s about gaining pleasure in a completely selfish way mutually agreed upon, even silently, with the person whom you’re fucking that day. Good sex should have some sort of feeling. Good sex should not be numb.”

As someone who has greatly enjoyed rage-fucking, revenge-fucking, love-fucking, jealousy-fucking and sure-why-the-hell-not-fucking many times in her life, I couldn’t agree more with Rasmussen. All I’m saying is that every bit of bad sex I’ve had has also been emotional. Quite often, those emotions have stemmed from just how bad the sex was, in fact.

I have felt pity during bad sex, but also resentment. Hell, I’ve felt those two things simultaneously during bad sex. The only thing I haven’t felt during sex – good or bad – is emotionless. Come to think of it, I think the only thing I’ve ever done without feeling some sort of emotion has been math!

Hmm. Math-sex; have I tried that? First, I suppose I’ll have to figure out what it means. Luckily, I have a husband who is willing to try just about anything (other than pegging, of course), so maybe tonight we’ll give it a shot.

Hey honey, get over here: I need you to “solve for xxx”, so to speak…


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