Thankfully, I Have Unlimited Phone Data, Starbucks!

It’s been a tough few weeks for Starbucks. The massive coffee shop chain is laying off a bunch of employees, people are making fun of the flavor of Starbucks’ latest special holiday drink and George Clooney is out there promoting Nespresso like it’s cool.

Arguably worst of all, now Starbucks says it’s going to start filtering “egregious content” from their in-store Wi-Fi — by which they mean porn. Of course, this may just mean some coffee shop loving smut-hounds will resort to watching DVDs on their laptops instead of relying on Starbucks’ public Wi-Fi, but the new policy may also bring with it the tricky business of defining porn and drawing the line between content that’s racy, but not necessarily “pornographic.”

starbucks porn

What does Calico think about all of this? How will it impact her experience as a Starbucks customer? Find out in her latest post, “Thankfully, I Have Unlimited Data.”

by Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women Movies

While I’m not about to shed any tears for them, I must admit it’s been something of a rough month for Starbucks, at least based on the news headlines about the giant coffee shop chain.

They’ve announced they’ll soon be laying off about five percent of their workforce, some folks are saying their new juniper latte tastes like grass and dirt and other people are freaking out about them running out of special, reusable red holiday cups.

While I’m bummed out on behalf of the Starbucks employees who will lose their jobs, the other two items above don’t trouble me much as an occasional customer of the place. I never stray from my usual order (their largest size coffee with two added shots of espresso) and I couldn’t possibly care less about holiday cups, reusable or otherwise.

There’s one other bit of bad Starbucks news which does impact me, however: Starbucks will, allegedly, soon start filtering “egregious content” on their in-store wi-fi, preventing people like me from viewing objectionable webpages, videos and the like while in their stores.

Let Me Guess: We’ll Still Be Permitted to Watch Violent Shit, Right?

While the word “egregious” is a bit vague, what Starbucks and its critics are talking about is porn. For all the talk about decency and family-friendliness, I don’t see too many people starting petitions to get businesses to filter out violent content on their Wi-Fi networks.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want businesses to filter violent content, I’m just noting the selective outrage here. Many of the same folks who are mad that Starbucks hasn’t done anything to filter out porn on its Wi-Fi would probably raise hell if they couldn’t stream The Walking Dead or Mayans M.C. or Shootie McKillemall’s Headshot Jamboree.

Admittedly, I’d raise hell too – especially if I couldn’t stream The Punisher, my favorite shoot-em-up Netflix show, while getting seriously amped up on my black eye.

Good News: I Get 4G Connectivity at Every Starbucks Near Me

Aside from slamming potent caffeinated beverages there, the other thing I occasionally do at Starbucks is research and write articles – and since a high percentage of my articles are about either sex or porn, a highly restrictive Wi-FI filter could put a serious crimp in my style.

Thankfully, even if my laptop will be thwarted by the filters, my smartphone won’t be – because every Starbucks in my vicinity is a spot where I can get a solid 4G mobile connection. Sure, it will be a minor pain in the ass to do research on my phone instead of my laptop, but it shouldn’t slow me down much.

In fact, just as a small protest of Starbuck’s Wi-Fi filtration, I might even queue up the gnarliest porn video I can find and blare that sucker at full iPhone volume!

Hmm. On second thought, I’d like to be able to continue to make the occasional Starbucks trip, so I’ll probably pass on that last idea.

In All Seriousness – Don’t Watch Porn in Public; That’s Rude and Gross

While I enjoy joking about watching porn in Starbucks to make my fellow customers uncomfortable, it’s something I’d never actually do. I strongly believe (most) porn is fine for (adult) people to watch and I’m all for them having the right to obtain and view it, it’s just fucking rude to watch it in public.

Yes, that’s right – a woman who has spent close to half her life working in the adult entertainment industry just told you not to watch porn in public. That doesn’t just go for Starbucks and other places which offer Wi-Fi, either. You shouldn’t watch porn on public transportation, at the public library, or even when you’re standing in line at the DMV.

I know, I know – it’s super boring to be in line at the DMV and the length of time one typically is required to stand in those lines makes it ideal for downloading large files, but that’s no excuse to expose a bunch of people who just want to renew their registration to gonzo porn without their explicit consent.

Don’t worry though; you can still use that time to stream Preacher and nobody will say a word.


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