Sexual Advice Column Humor: Dear Sir, You Are Full of Shit

Sexual Advice Column Humor: Dear Sir, You Are Full of Shit

Because she writes about sex all the time, some folks have asked Calico why she doesn’t start a sexual advice column — but the truth is, it’s best for everyone if Calico stays far away from giving advice. She’s just not caring and nurturing enough for that sort of thing, too inclined to bluntness and tough love to aid possibly delicate strangers who might send questions her way.

Plus, Calico doesn’t even believe some of these letters seeking advice in the first place, especially when they’re from men complaining of partners who want to have sex too often, or who say their genitalia is too big, or that they take too long in bed.

Another sex-advice-seeking letter category of which Calico is deeply skeptical is the subject of her latest post. What manner of quandary faces the author of the letter in question? To find out, read Calico’s response to the letter: “Dear Sir: You Are Full of Shit.”

Read on…

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Entertainment Movies

While I write about sex a lot, it’s probably for the best that I don’t write a sexual advice column. For starters, I’m not always particularly sensitive to the feelings of others and have a penchant for bluntness that has led more than a few people in my life to refer to me as “mean,” or “catty” or “a fundamentally heartless bitch who needs to die.”

I’m also deeply skeptical of certain claims people make, like the idea they’ve had sex with over 20,000 partners, or they’ve had sex with ghosts, or that women are fine with it when they “grab them by the pussy,” just because they’re famous.

Why Oh Why Am I So… Sexually Potent?

Driven by my innate cynicism, as I read some of the letters sent to sex advice columnists, I can’t help but roll my eyes and utter “yeah, riiiight” at times. 

Take this missive from an anonymous reader of The Guardian, for example, in which the fellow complains that his girlfriend “makes a lot of noise during sex.”

“She moans very loudly, says all kinds of interesting things and orders me to do this and that,” the man writes. “I have never been with such a demonstrative, sexually aggressive woman before, and it really gets me going.”

OK, so far, I’m not seeing how or why this guy needs sex advice…?

“But recently, this has become a bit of a problem,” he continues.

Ah, OK – what sort of problem has it become, Anonymous Guy?

“We have just moved into a house with some friends (three other couples) and one of my mates referred to my girlfriend as a ‘screamer’ which, as well as bothering me, let me know the walls are thinner than I thought.”

Gee, Anonymous Guy, that must be awful for you. Please tell me more – but also please wrap it up relatively soon, because I have other shit to do today, too.

“I mentioned my concern to my girlfriend, but she just laughed it off and continues to vocalise loudly and profusely,” the letter goes on. “Since then, I no longer enjoy sex as I am worried about being overheard. I imagine them all talking together and laughing about us, which is making it difficult for me to climax.”

Oh, I see – the things your girlfriend does during sex has made it hard for you to orgasm, has it? Allow me to speak for a great many other women when I say: “Welcome to OUR world, you plaintive little twat!”

In Related News, My Boss Says I’m Too Good at My Job

Anonymous Guy closes his letter by asking “Do you think she can only enjoy sex when she expresses herself in this way? What can I do?”

First, AG, you can stop lying. 

Why am I so sure you’re lying about this “my girlfriend is too loud during sex” thing? Experience.

In my considerable experience hearing men talk about sex, I’ve concluded there are two kinds of men who talk about how loud their lovers are during sex: braggarts and liars. 

Braggarts generally don’t give a flying fuck about the people around them, so they tend to rejoice in making their friends and/or family listen to the loud sex they’re having, because they believe the loudness of their partner is a nothing other than a direct reflection of their own sexual prowess.

Liars, on the other hand, will say their girlfriends are loud during sex as a means of getting the person to whom they’re telling the lie to come out and say something like “Wow, you must really know what you’re doing, you gorgeous, well-hung Casanova!”

Of course, liars are generally disappointed in their expectation of such flattery, because outside of poorly conceived porn movie dialogue, nobody ever says something like that, except in extreme sarcasm.

What kind of faux sex advice columnist would I be if I closed my first attempt at advice giving with an insult to the reader, though? Surely, I can’t allow such an aspersion to be my final sentiment here!

So, with that in mind, let me just say to Anonymous Guy: “Wow, you must really know what you’re doing, you presumably gorgeous, surely well-hung, not at all full-of-shit Casanova!”