Don’t you hate it when you think you’re current on an issue or news item, then you turn around to find out you’ve been left behind by the rapid pace of technological robot advancement? That’s how Calico feels in reading the latest news about sex robots, which apparently have gone from maybe being able to do the dishes someday soon to fundamentally threatening human existence — in a matter of days!
Read all about it in Calico’s latest post, “Whoa; How Much Has Sex-Robot Technology Advanced Since Last Week?”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Some mornings, I read headlines which really make me feel out of touch. It’s like I’ve been sleeping for months or even years at a time, without realizing it, and whatever prince kissed me to wake me from my slumber buggered off without even falsely promising to call me the following Friday night.
For example, when I think of lasers, I think of reasons why old CD player no longer functions, or procedures I’ve always been slightly too timid to ask a cosmetologist to perform on me. Then I wake up one morning to find that archaeologists are using lasers to find the underground remnants of massive Mayan cities concealed under the jungles of Guatemala.
This discovery only makes me more afraid of going to the cosmetologist, by the way; I don’t even want to know what might be living under my face.
Just To Be Safe, Maybe Sex Robots Shouldn’t Get 2nd Amendment Rights
Until this morning, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the latest and greatest in sex robot technology, including the looming possibility of owning a sex robot which can play music for me and do the dishes, which would put him about halfway towards replacing my husband, assuming he could also master use of the overly-complicated thermostat which controls our central heating.
Just when I was getting comfortable with my understanding of the state of sex robot technology, I spied a headline with truly terrifying implications – and immediately wondered how many sex robot tech-updates I’d missed in one week.
“Zambia won’t allow sex dolls to destroy society: Religious Affairs minister,” reads the headline in question.
WTF? Last week they’re offering to do my dishes, this week they’re threatening to destroy society?
Even by the rapid standards of modern technological development, this is a truly alarming development.
At this rate, I don’t even want to know what Roombas have been up to while we weren’t watching. Sure, they look friendly enough, just fun little self-propelled discs which suck up dirt from my floors without judging me for leaving my dirty socks lying around, but who knows what’s really going on in there? Hopefully they’re just using their lasers to find Mayan civilizations under my kitchen, but who can be sure?
At any rate, I don’t know what the rest of the world can do to prepare, but here in the U.S., there’s no time like the present to start lobbying Congress to fashion some sort of exception to the Second Amendment clarifying that sex robots are neither “citizens” nor members of a “well-regulated militia.” The last thing we need is one these guys stalking the streets with an AK-47, taking revenge for all those unsolicited golden showers unscrupulous humans may have perpetrated on his less sophisticated ancestors in days gone by.
Time To Pull Out All The Stops In The War Against Sex-Bots
While I might prefer Rick Deckard take the lead in tackling the problem of militant sex robots bent on destroying society, at least Zambia’s National Guidance and Religious Affairs Minister Godfridah Sumahili is on the case.
“The Bible says the body of the man belongs to the woman and the body of the woman belongs to the man, so whenever the wife demands, the man should be available, whenever the husband demands, the woman should be available,” Sumahili said.
Hmm. This tidbit of sex-related theology is interesting and all, but in the fight against invading hordes of sex robots, I sure hope Sumahili has more up her sleeve than scripture – unless quotes from the Good Book serve as some sort of kill-switch for unhinged, rogue sexbots.
Just in case thumping Bibles in their direction doesn’t do the trick, Zambian police spokesperson Esther Katongo is poised to hit them with the long arm of Zambian law.
“Possession of obscene materials in this country is an offense,” Katongo said. “Read section 177 of the Penal Code Importation, check section 177 (1) (b) and section 177 (1)(c) criminalizes taking part in such business.”
I don’t know, Esther; part of me feels like if these robots are willing to ignore the instructions of their owners in pursuit of destroying society, they’re not going to be deterred by Zambian obscenity law, either.
I guess all that’s left is to fight dangerous toy-fire with dangerous toy-fire. That’s right: In the coming war against sex robots, it’s going to be time to unleash the full terror and potency of the Hallmark “Itty Bittys” Baby Stacking Toy.
And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the option of hiding in our old, unused 2012 apocalypse shelters until the sex robots’ batteries run out.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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