[In a very forward-looking new post, Calico takes a stab at predicting the future of sexual gratification technology — not for the year to come, but centuries ahead. For example, forget about “rabbits,” the future is all about the Arachnid, a revolutionary device powered by the Cherenkov battery, an unobtainium fuel cell which will keep the device buzzing long after its original owner has been recycled into space dust. What else can we look forward to from our vibrators and sex robots? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “Sex-Technology Predictions For The (Distant) Future”]
by Calico Rudasill, Sexpert at Sssh.com
Over the last several years, I’ve read more articles and blog posts about the future of sex-related technology, or futuristic-seeming sex technologies already available, than I can count.
After all, teledildonics has been a thing for a while now, and there are roughly 300 different virtual reality headsets on the market, if the floor of my nephew’s bedroom is any indication. (It’s also possible some of those things on his floor are small metal buckets filled with cables from old, long-ago discarded gaming consoles, I suppose).
At any rate, rather than list a set of sex-related technology predictions for 2018, or a rundown of such products which will be on display at Las Vegas trade shows sometime this month, I’d like to look further out into the future.
Unlike some other prognosticators (yes, I’m looking at you, Nostradamus), I’m going to be extremely specific, right down to the names of the products and the year of their release – if only so I can be given proper credit from future historians for the clarity of my visions.
Finally, A Smart Vibe We Can Rely On
In mid-May 2116, just in time for National Masturbation Day holiday weekend, industry-leading sex toy manufacturer World Wide Woody’s will drop the latest version of its Genius-Spot, the company’s flagship voice-activated nanobrator.
A wearable throb-patch manufactured from responsibly sourced, organic, free-range moon rock, the Genius-Spot is the perfect device for the busy, traveling CEO who needs to have her orgasms on the go. Not only does the Genius-Spot deliver pleasure efficiently with no fuss, it’s perfect for fast research, setting the mood with music which emanates from your crotch, or even quickly fetching recipes for cuisine which meshes well with a zero-gravity environment. Just trigger its Digital Assistant mode with the phrase “Yo, G” and you’re off and running and/or cumming. No corporate travel pod or interplanetary conference room is complete without one!
Make Way For The VirtuStud 9000
In January 2311, Interstellar Pleasure Products Ltd. will display at the Mars Cyber-Consumer Electronics Show the VirtuStud 9000, a full-featured pleasure Mandroid equipped with a customizable modular penis, a whopping 47 different Romance Modes and of course, IPP’s universally-patented and wildly popular VibroTongue technology.
In response to consumer feedback related to the somewhat disappointing performance of the VirtuStud 8700, “Improvisational Speech Mode” has been disabled in the 9000, in lieu of a programmable menu of responses guaranteed to be relevant to questions posed by his operator. That’s right; when you ask the VirtuStud 9000 a question which requires a thoughtful, well-reasoned response of at least several sentences, he will no longer just mutter “mmm-hmm,” or “yes dear” and go back to reading the sports tab on his retractable News Visor.
Orgasms Delivered Faster Than Light!
In June 2759, Terran SexCorp (“TSC”) will unveil the Arachnid, the latest evolution of the primitive device once referred to by Internet Age humans as a “rabbit.”
Backwards-compatible with even the oldest models of quasi-humanoid digibellums still available in remote Milky Way cyber-flea markets, the key to the Arachnid’s instant delivery of pleasure is its Cherenkov battery.
Powered by this revolutionary unobtainium fuel cell, the charge lasts so long, you can confidently will your Arachnid to your great-great-great-grandroids without fear of it every developing a bad motivator. Order before July 1 and TSC will throw in a Besalisk Quadrobator free of charge!*
As you can see, sexual pleasure technologies have a very bright future, indeed. So bright, in fact, I’m going to order one of these with an extra-dark visor to have on hand for the next time I peer into that future, just in case.
* Intergalactic shipping and handling charges apply
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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