There Should be a Dow Jones-Style Index for Sex Trends

There Should be a Dow Jones-Style Index for Sex Trends

People must love reading about trends, because otherwise it’s hard to imagine the media would love reporting on trends quite as much as it does. There’s trend reporting for everything these days, from cuisine and style to financial markets and professional sports. And while there’s often a visual aid of some sort to assist you in understanding what the trend reporting means, there’s a real lack of creativity being exhibited in that department; it’s all the same, boring pie charts and line graphs, over and over again.

Some trends deserve better – including some trends that we don’t track nearly as closely as we should. And when Calico says these trends deserve better, she means both that they should have a separate index of their own (think of it like a “Niche Nasdaq”) AND a more compelling visual aid to help consumers instantly make sense of the data being presented.

Which trend is Calico most keen to see given more creative and attentive treatment? What sort of index does she have in mind — and is it ribbed for investors’ pleasure? Is it really a good idea to have a graph on the nightly news that looks just like a partially engorged penis?

The answers to these questions (other than the last one, to which the answer is “yes”, obviously) can be found in Calico’s latest post: “There Should be a Dow Jones-Style Index for This.”  

by Calico Rudasill, Porn Movies For Women and Couples

condom sales trends

Read On…

If you want to read about trends – literally any kind of trends – then the Internet is the place for you.

Even if you limit your primary source of information about current trends to Google’s news search function, you’ll never be at a loss for compelling, ‘trendy’ reading.

On any given day, you may learn that the New Orleans Saints are continuing their trend of “fortifying the trenches,” whatever that means, or hear about a “shocking color trend that’s comin’ in hot,” or possibly something to do with gold price futures, which I’m even less likely to understand than whatever it is the Saints are doing to their trenches.

As a public service of sorts, I think some intrepid analytics firm should take on the task of creating indexes to track these and other trends. I’m more of a visual person so ideally, I’d like these ‘niche market indices’ to come with matching graphs and charts.

Is that A Rise in Trojan’s Stock Price in Your Pocket, or are You Just Happy to See Me?

An easily understood graphic indicator would be especially nice for tracking condom sales and “surges” thereof, to borrow CNN’s word for a recent spike in condom sales

“Male condom sales in the United States increased 23.4% to $37 million during the four weeks ending April 18 compared with the same stretch a year ago,” CNN reports. CNN further notes that Durex “logged” a double-digit percentage sales increase, after “sales were flat” in 2019.

Not to tell CNN how to do their/its job, but I would have gone with “flaccid” there in place of “flat” even though it’s not a synonym and wouldn’t be accurate in context from a financial news perspective. I would do so because why bother with all these surges and logs if you’re going to just abandon your wordplay at such a key moment in the narrative?

This Just In: Maintaining Social Distance Not Conducive to Sexual Intercourse

Unsurprisingly, the good folks at Durex attribute the recent rise in sales to “relaxed social distancing rules.” This make sense because intuitively, because it’s difficult for most people to have sex while staying at least six feet apart – or to have the sort of sex which necessitates the use of a condom, at least.

Interestingly, the dip in condom sales predates the pandemic, as sales had dropped 2.4% in 2017 (U.S. election hangover?) and another 3.4% in 2018 (just a regular hangover?) before “ticking up” in 2019 – never mind that we’ve already heard sales were flaccid flat that year.

See what I mean about the need for some sort of visually compelling graph here? It’s not hard to picture one that would be appropriately phallic and still be able to do its job in tracking the rising and falling condom sales figures. 

Sure, sometimes it would look like a phallus that would be quite uncomfortable to own, what with its dips, dives, surges and spikes and all the painful-looking s-curves that might develop over time. But even an unsophisticated casual observer of financial markets like me would know at a glance whether the market was well-stimulated, or might need some metaphorical sales-Viagra in order to perform up to investors’ expectations.

Want a Blowjob? Get a Just-Plain-Job First

Near the end of CNN’s report, there’s another bit of possibly unsurprising data concerning the condom market.

“Men who were unemployed, had part-time employment or lower incomes were more likely to be sexually inactive, researchers found.”

Look, I don’t mean to be an asshole, but did we really need to do trends research to tell us that men who are either unemployed or don’t make much money are less likely to be sexually active? I mean, I guess somebody thinks we need that sort of research, because (a) they keep doing it and (b) there’s apparently data suggesting that, back in 2010 at least, there were “more women attracted to jobless men.” 

Hmm. Maybe it’s not as obvious as I thought. Maybe we need a “Women’s Openness to Dating Jobless Men” index, too? I’m not sure what the graph for that one would look like, exactly, but I bet it would have a beard and sandals.

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