Of Baseball Players, DUI And… Porn?

– Calico Rudasill, https://www.sssh.com

One of the most charming aspects of anti-porn crusaders is their habit of tagging porn as a contributing factor to just about anything bad that happens.

Someone shot up a college campus? It must have been because he was a porn addict.

Anthony Weiner’s penchant for sexting with just about any woman other than his wife? You guessed it; despite there being no real evidence he’s a compulsive porn-watcher, obviously Weiner was driven into cyber-sexual transgression overdrive by a relentless need to watch porn.

Along these same lines, when it came time to address the fact one of his players had just been cited for DUI, the Kansas City Royal’s famously devout General Manager, Dayton Moore, somehow found a way to turn the conversation the perils of pornography consumption.

And here I thought football coaches were the unrivaled kings of the sports-related press conference non sequitur.

How Did We Get Here?

After reading a couple short articles about Moore’s comments, I still couldn’t quite make sense of how the conversation turned to porn at his press conference. Honestly, watching the video for myself didn’t help much, because it turns out Moore really did just drop porn into the mix out of nowhere.

First, Moore wanted to make sure people understood he doesn’t just take player misconduct seriously, he takes it to heart.

“I take this personally, when our players fail off the field,” Moore said. “I take this stuff personally.”

Moore then said the team works closely with players, to make sure they understand their responsibilities, as well as all the temptations and risks which face young major leaguers.

It was when he was asked what, specifically, the team does in counseling its players about alcohol abuse these days, given some of the past alcohol-fueled baseball tragedies, like Jose Fernandez’s fatal boat crash last year.

“We’ve done a lot of leadership stuff with our players,” Moore said. “Very transparent about things that happen in our game, not only with drugs and alcohol. We talk about pornography, and the effects of what that does to the minds of players and the distractions, and how that leads to abuse of – domestic abuse – to abuse of women. How it impacts relationships… we talk about a lot of things. And I don’t mind sharing with you.”

Uh… OK then; let’s share.

The Royals Are Very Much On Top Of The Use Of Corporate Buzzwords

When it came to sharing details about what the Royals are doing to help educate their players and keep them away from negative influences like alcohol, drugs, pornography and Big League Chew, Moore seemed to struggle to offer anything but executive-speak and boardroom buzz phrases.

“Mostly just a lot of awareness, a lot of proactive, a lot of speaking,” Moore said. “You know, I actually… between myself and and all our staff, I personally met with every single one of our players in small groups. Talked to them about the importance of making good choices. We certainly, um… follow Major League Baseball’s protocol with certain things that they want done in educating players.”

OK, then; glad we cleared that up.

Moore never did say what sort of guidance he gives his players about porn, although presumably he urges them not to indulge in watching the stuff. Instead, he spoke vaguely about how Danny Duffy’s DIU citation serves as a reminder that people in his position must be constantly vigilant and on the lookout for trouble affecting their organization and its players.

“It’s a healthy reminder when things like this occur, that you gotta be on guard, every single second,” he said.

Dude, that’s just no way to live.

How do you stay on guard while you’re eating, for example? For that matter, how on guard are you when you’re praying for your players not to drink, take drugs or watch porn – or, worst of all, watch porn while they’re drunk and high?

I sure hope this “on guard every single second” thing is an exaggeration, or poor Dayton Moore is going to end up giving himself an ulcer fretting over his backup catcher’s browser cache.

Also, a player getting a DUI is a “healthy” reminder? What would represent an unhealthy reminder; if he got a DUI while he was suffering hepatitis?

The Good News: The Royals Are On Top Of This Shit

In any event, if you’re worried about the Royals locker room descending into a bacchanalian festival of drug, drink and smut, don’t be: Moore says the Royals are on top of things in a big way – and have been since the day he arrived back in 2006.

“When we first came here, the first thing we did was drug test every single player in the minor leagues, the very first thing we did,” Moore said.

Seriously, you drug tested every single minor league player before you even set up your voicemail, called a press conference, organized a company picnic or decided who got which office chair? Impressive.

I feel compelled to ask, though: Have you tried testing your players for porn?

Just seems like such testing could save Moore a lot of trouble – not to mention “raise awareness” and foster the development of a “winning culture.” Heck, if he plays his cards right, porn testing might even nail the corporate buzzword trifecta by helping the Royals to create “synergy.”