Humor: Least. Arousing. Sex. Scene. Ever.
When you think of great sex scenes in Hollywood movies, which ones come to mind? How about a question that’s a little more fun: When you think of the worst sex scenes ever made, which movies come to mind then?
Inspired by a ‘sex scene’ of a different sort, Calico recently did a brief scanning of the internet’s least favorite sex scenes to see how they stacked up against her new discovery.
Just how bad was the sex scene in the film version of Watchmen, anyway? Does it help or hurt that it was set to Leonard Cohen’s version of “Hallelujah”? Is there any way to delete the sex scene from The Room from one’s brain? Does anyone even remember that Avatar had a sex scene in it? What does any of this have to do with single-cell organisms? Did the word organism only end up in here because Calico mistyped “orgasm” into a search engine?
I’m going to cut my losses and stop asking questions now, giving you the chance to scroll down and dig into Calico’s latest post: “Least. Arousing. Sex. Scene. Ever.”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Award Winnig Erotic Sex Movies
When it comes to picking the worst-ever sex scene, there are countless contenders to consider, but surprising consensus on which scenes should be included in the conversation when discussing which may be the worst of the worst, at least when it comes to Hollywood movies.
A quick survey of articles and blog posts on the subject shows at least two lists which place the roll in the hay taken by Jupiter and Nite Owl (set to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, no less) in Watchmen as the worst sex scene of all time.
Others peg a scene from 300: Rise of an Empire as being at the summit of Crappy Movie Sex Mountain (little known fact: back in the 90s, this was also the name of a ride at Euro Disney), while the UK’s Metro puts the oft-forgotten alien-sex scene in Avatar at the #1 slot in its list.
Get A Room… No, Not THAT Room!!
Until recently, I would have heartily endorsed the choice of the sex scene in the painfully awful The Room as the ‘winner’ in this ignominious ranking effort – and I would not have been alone in doing so. After all, having to stare at Tommy Wiseau’s butt crack for any amount of time, let alone the duration of that scene, is hard to… well, maybe “top” isn’t the word I’m looking for here, but you get my point.
This week, however, I’ve stumbled across a sex scene which outdoes anything I’ve ever seen on film in terms of its lack of titillation, interpersonal chemistry and general sexiness.
To be fair, part of the reason the sex scene in question lacks interpersonal chemistry is that is also lacks persons, but I never said this evaluation need be limited to the world of humans, now did I? For that would require a microscope equipped with a camera.
At Least It Can’t Text Dick Pics, Right?
The sex scene in question involves what scientists refer to as the “last eukaryotic common ancestor” or “LECA.” The LECA is, as Ilana Strauss put it in her Atlantic piece linked above, “the ancient predecessor of everything from humans to slime mold.”
Strauss’ article is fascinating, but as you’ll see in a moment its central sex scene leaves a great deal to be desired.
“It’s 2 billion years ago. A lonely LECA swims through a crowded ocean.”
So far, so good; I have no issues with the setup.
“Suddenly, another LECA swims by and notices the first. The courtship begins.”
OK, we’re still on track here.
“LECAs couldn’t see or hear. But they could smell.”
Hmm… I’m not so sure about this new direction the scene seems to be taking. This isn’t about to turn into an Axe Body Spray for Eukaryotes ad, is it?
Follow Your Nose! Wait; Do Eukaryotes Have Noses?
“Their perfumes were pheromones—chemicals many organisms send out as signals to other creatures,” Strauss continues. “It works. The LECAs are smitten.”
Perhaps my concern was mislaid; “smitten” is good, right?
“So they go through meiosis, giving birth to little clones with only half the DNA of an adult.”
OK, you sort of lost me at “meiosis,” which just isn’t a very sexy process, however magical and necessary it might be.
“These newborn half-LECAs swim toward one another, then circle each other. When they get close enough, one shoots out a handle, called a shmoo in modern-day fungi. This was named after a lumpy 1940s cartoon character that happened to resemble these appendages.”
Honestly, once lumpy cartoon characters from the 40’s get involved, I’m out. There’s just way too great a chance I’m going to wind up seeing why the woodpecker is called “Woody,” or wake up one morning to find Elmer Fudd’s butt crack has been filed right next to Tommy Wiseau’s in my mental imagery database.
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