Mostly, He Needs ‘Mindfulness’ of My Need for Clitoral Stimulation.

Mostly, He Needs ‘Mindfulness’ of My Need for Clitoral Stimulation.

You hear a lot of talk about “mindfulness” these days — especially if you have friends who dabble in Eastern philosophy and/or have a crush on a cute yoga instructor who uses that term a lot.

The benefits of mindfulness are said to be very broadly applicable, from soothing your nerves during an anxiety attack to improving communication with your loved ones, from shooting free throws to… well, being able to ‘shoot’ in the bedroom, if you take my drift.

When it comes to her sex life, Calico does believe her husband could benefit from engaging in some mindfulness of his own, but her ambitions on that front are modest — you could even call them minimal. She’s not expecting him to put on saffron robes, burn incense and meditate his way to being a better lover. She just expects enough self-awareness that he’s able to bring her as much pleasure as she brings him through her attentive efforts.

What does Calico expect from her husband, exactly? Will it require him to buy new sandals? This won’t interrupt his cherished, early Saturday morning viewing during the Premier League season, will it? DO they have any peanut butter? Find out in Calico’s new post, “Mostly, He Needs to be ‘Mindful’ of My Need for Clitoral Stimulation.”

– Calico Rudasill,, Mindful Porn Movies

sexual mindfulness

Read on…

To hear some of my friends tell it, “mindfulness” is the key to happiness, stable relationships, peace of mind and even establishing financial security and independence. 

Of course, some of these same friends scream at other motorists in traffic quite a lot, cheat on their husbands with regularity, worry endlessly about their kids and can barely afford to pay for their yoga class, let alone contribute significantly to a retirement account.

Is That Your Muladhara Chakra in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dismiss the value and benefits of mindfulness entirely, as there does seem to be a lot of evidence (admittedly, much of it anecdotal) to support the idea that practicing mindfulness is a good thing, in a wide variety of contexts.

Naturally, since sex is an important part of my life and a cornerstone of my relatively happy marriage, I become particularly attentive when people start talking about the utility of mindfulness in a sexual context.

Ian Kerner, a marriage and family therapist, recently wrote a piece for CNN that the outlet topped with the oh-so-catchy headline “To prevent performance anxiety from interfering with a healthy sex life, mindfulness is an answer.”

The first thing I notice about that headline is that it says “an answer,” as opposed to “the answer.” That encouraged me to see, in part because in my experience, people offering a single, central answer to any problem generally ask for me to pay for that answer somewhere around the third paragraph of their report.

Focus, Yes. Lack of “Judgment,” Maybe Not

Relying on a plain old dictionary, I see that mindfulness means “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something,” – or, for those who prefer a greater degree of verbosity, “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

Kerner has a simple definition of his own: “Simply put, mindfulness means being in the moment without judgment.”

I gotta say, Kerner is starting to lose me here, just a bit. While I certainly don’t want my husband to judge me during sex, I do want him to exhibit judgment – particularly when his hands and/or mouth are on or near my clitoris.

Rhythmic licking and rubbing? Hell yes. Biting, pinching hard, slapping or otherwise following the lead of a lot of pornographic depictions out there? No thanks. That shit might be the bee’s knees in the minds of some women – but bite my clit and the next thing you’re likely to be ‘mindful’ of is the rapid acceleration of my foot straight into your scrotum.

Honestly, It’s OK by Me If He’s a Little Anxious, So Long as He Remembers to Do His Job

According to Yvonne Fulbright, a sexologist Kerner interviewed for his article, mindfulness is “the perfect counter to sexual anxiety since it thwarts worries about impending ills by inviting you to become fully present in the here and now.” 

Honestly, I think asking my husband to be “fully present in the here and now” is a bit of a stretch. We’re taking about a guy who once asked me, right after a wonderful mutual orgasm had left us both panting and euphoric, “Do we have any peanut butter?” (And no, he wasn’t about to suggest spreading said peanut butter on my clit and licking it off as a bit of kinky fun.)

Sadly, I doubt there will be any meditating, breathing exercises, mantra chanting or erotic tai chi in pursuit of sexual mindfulness going on in our bedroom any time soon. That’s OK, though; so long as he remembers what his tongue is there for (hint, honey: it’s NOT for asking me about peanut butter), he can let his mind wander wherever else it might go.


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