When it comes to advice concerning anal sex, I’m just not inclined to take it from anyone of questionable taste.
The bottom line is, if I’m going to be literally fucked in the ass by someone, I’d prefer the experience not follow the sort of metaphorical reaming that ass-backward sex advice represents.
Thankfully, there’s a new source for tips on anal sex, and she’s someone of such impeccable taste she’d “rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.”
Yes, that’s right; it’s anal sex advice from everybody’s favorite goofy-celebrity-quote-machine, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Read on…
Hey don’t laugh; anybody who spends this much time talking out her ass must know something about putting stuff inside it, too, right?
Don’t Get Too Excited Fellas; This Anal Advice Is All Tell, No Show
For anybody who clicks over to the Goop piece linked above expecting a vivid demonstration from Paltrow on the ins and outs of anal sex, I have some disappointing news: This advice piece is really just an interview with sex educator/author/counselor/therapist Paul Joannides, and other than appearing on a website originally started by Paltrow, it’s not clear the ‘Q & Anal’ with Joannides has anything to do with the actress.
I’ll admit, even though I have no real interest in watching Paltrow engage in anal sex (unless it were to come in the context of her giving Robert Downey Jr. a richly deserved pegging), I was still bitterly disappointed to find there wasn’t so much as a photo of Paltrow holding a string of anal beads accompanying this article.
Speaking of things Paltrow might put up her keister, what do you think is the most likely nickname for her favored tools of the tushy-tapping trade?
Does she have a metal butt-plug she calls “Iron Man,” or is he just plain “Tony?” Or maybe she’s going to follow up the anal sex advice with a line of co-branded sexual aids in partnership with Marvel Comics, with a flagship product called the “Pepper Potts Pooper-Plugger”?
File Under “Duh”
One of the not-so-earthshattering revelations offered in the interview with Joannides is this little nugget: Real anal sex isn’t like what you see depicted in porn.
“Unlike the vagina, the anus provides no lubrication,” Joannides notes, something which you wouldn’t think would be lost on anyone who possesses an anus. “So in addition to teaching the sphincters to relax, and in addition to getting the angle right so you don’t poke the receiver in the wall of the rectum, you need to use lots of lube.”
No kidding, Dr. Einstein? In real life, guys don’t just casually cram their cocks inside the nearest butthole without the benefit of liberally-applied lubricant? Tell me more!
“If I were on the receiving end of anal sex,” muses Joannides “I would want to be sure my partner did not have HIV before I’d even let him get close to my bum with his penis.”
Thank god I read this interview, otherwise I might have forgotten everything I’ve learned about safe sex since the 80s.
OK to be fair, this interview is presented as a ‘reality check’ on anal sex, so it’s entirely appropriate and sensible for these observations to be part of it. Still, from the standpoint of someone who finished the 7th grade an uncomfortably long time ago, I’m starting to feel like I’m being talked down to in a way I haven’t experienced since…. Well, since breakfast yesterday, when my husband felt complained to mainsplain why I shouldn’t plug my hair dryer into the same outlet as the space heater in the bathroom. (Whatever dear; just fix the damn outlet and get the burn marks off the wall.)
Ok, Dr. Buzzkill; Does ANYTHING Speak In Favor Of Trying Anal?
Late in the interview, Goop finally gets around to the questions most likely to sway me from my “exit only” policy with respect to my butthole – depending on the answers, of course.
“Do people orgasm from anal stimulation,” asks Goop. “Is it common or uncommon?”
“Some women say they have amazing orgasms from anal,” Joannides said, ‘but usually they will be stimulating their clitoris at the same time.”
Oh for fuck’s sake; I can orgasm while doing dishes if I stimulate my clitoris at the same time. All this response tells me is the only orgasm to result directly from the fact there’s a dick in my butt will be the one experienced by said dick.
Maybe anal gets more pleasurable with practice, at least?
“It depends on how much you are willing to work on training the receptive partner’s anal sphincters to relax, how good your communication is, how much trust there is, and probably on the width or girth of the dude’s penis,” observes Captain Obvious Joannides. “Common sense would tell you it should go way better if a guy is normal-sized as opposed to porn-sized.”
In other words, anal sex is only going to be any good for me if I deeply and sincerely trust with the wellbeing of my anus the same person who can’t reliably go shopping without accidentally buying me Cherry Pepsi instead of Diet Pepsi?
Thanks for the anal advice and everything, Gwyneth, but if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll pass.
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