Edible Underwear Humor: “Eat My Shorts,” Indeed!

Edible Underwear Humor: “Eat My Shorts,” Indeed!

– Calico Rudasill at Sssh.com

I can still remember the first time I heard the term “edible underwear.” I was not quite yet a teenager, trying to pretend that I was aloofly reading a sci-fi novel while listening in on a conversation between my older sister and Rhonda, one of her more sexually precocious friends.

“Have you tried wearing edible underwear?” Rhonda said in a tone akin to that of a whisper, except it was several decibels too loud to be described as such. “That might get him to give it a try!”

My sister quickly shushed Rhonda, pointing nervously in my direction. The two then relocated to the far side of the house to continue their closed-to-younger-siblings discussion.

In My Defense, Edible Underwear Knowledge Was Much Harder to Come By Back Then

I would later learn that the conversation was about my older sister’s frustration that her then-boyfriend nearly insisted on receiving oral sex, while steadfastly refusing to offer her any of the same. Quite understandably, neither my sister nor Rhonda was willing to explain that to me at the time, so I was left to ponder the mysteries of the term “edible underwear” on my own.

For younger readers, I should note this conversation took place decades before the existence of Google, so finding out what edible underwear was (and more to the point, why it exists) was not a touch-of-a-button operation like it is today.

Our Encyclopedia Brittanica set was no help at all. Thankfully, somehow, even as a thoroughly clueless pre-teen, I had the sense to realize anything over which my older sister and Rhonda had seen fit to exert their right to privacy was not the sort of subject about which I should ask my mother.

OK, But Why Are They In the ‘Sporting Goods’ Section?

Eventually, I learned what edible underwear was about from some (evidently otherwise quite forgettable) early 1980s comedy movie whose name escapes me now. Honestly, it wasn’t the epiphany I’d hoped for – but it did explain why my sister had shushed Rhonda with such alacrity.

These days, thanks to the Internet, I know a great deal more about edible underwear than I ever imagined I would, from which varieties taste best (and worst) to the fact that I can get myself a pair of edible, crotchless strawberry “gummy panties” at Walmart, of all places.

Stylish, Effective – And Now 15% Less Sticky Than Edible Version 1.0!

Despite all this wonderful knowledge I have now acquired, I’ve never worn, chewed through, dipped in ranch dressing, or otherwise made use of edible underwear. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get excited at the prospect of an important innovation in the field!

I’m speaking, of course, of underwear that can protect against sexually-transmitted infections during oral sex.

“The Food and Drug Administration has authorized the panties to be considered protection against infections that can be transmitted from the vagina or anus during oral sex,” reports Pam Belluck for The New York Times, adding that this is “a first for underwear.”

I’ll admit, I have a few questions – mostly involving the logistics of sucking a penis through layers of “latex that’s about as thin as condom material and forms a seal on the inside of the thigh to keep fluids in.” I have some flavor-related questions, as well, like whether I can get these undies in strawberry (or better yet, Neopolitan) and a host of other queries not addressed by the Times article.

In any event, I’m encouraged by reading that in response to customer feedback, “the company lessened the intensity of the vanilla taste, added more cornstarch to prevent stickiness and will introduce a sheer version in addition to the current opaque black version.”

Mmmm, more cornstarch.

My last question, which honestly is not that important, as it is mostly a matter of my own convenience: Will I be able to get these undies at Walmart, too?

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