Closure Needed: What KIND Of “Inanimate Object?”

Closure Needed: What KIND Of “Inanimate Object?”

Don’t you hate it when storytellers leave you hanging? It’s not so bad if it’s just for a week, or a Netflix series where you can just keep binging for another hour to see how things resolve, but when it’s a one-off anecdote and you never get to hear how things turn out, or find yourself denied important details, it’s enough to make you stomp your feet and pull out what’s left of your hair at the same time.

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Calico finds it especially annoying in the context of true-crime stories in local news reports. How dare those heartless reporters — how can they not give us the full contents of the police report they clearly have it right there in their vicious little hands? It’s not enough to know a man has been arrested for indecent exposure for engaging in a sex act in his own driveway; we need to know more! Read all about it in Calico’s latest post: Closure Needed: What KIND Of “Inanimate Object?” …


– Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women

When it comes to stories which leave unanswered questions, I have more patience for the lack of closure in some contexts than in others.

If we’re talking about Netflix series which leaves you hanging at the end of an episode in the middle of the season (as their series like Stranger Things do with regularity) it’s no problem for me at all. After all, it’s up to me how soon I watch the next episode, so if I just can’t stand not knowing how things work out, I need only add one more hour or so to my binge and I’ve got my answer.

Unresolved story lines in the season finale are more frustrating, of course, because then you’re stuck waiting months, even years, to see how everything turns out. Or, in the case of old HBO shows like Deadwood, they leave you hanging at the end of a season only to never return at all – something which probably ought to be a capital offense.

Sometimes, there’s just no excuse for leaving questions unanswered, like when the medium for the storytelling happens to be a local news report about a man who was arrested for having sex with a piece of furniture in his driveway.

Letting The Drama Build Up, One Detail At A Time

On the one hand, I gotta hand to the folks at the Lancaster Eagle Gazette, because they do know how to build things up, revealing details in a slow drip, which keeps the reader’s attention and encourages her to read the whole report.

“Man charged in connection with sex with an inanimate object in his driveway,” the headline states – which is a simply fantastic headline, obviously. I mean, who doesn’t read that and think “What kind of inanimate object?” or perhaps “Would he be in less trouble if the object had been an animate one?”

Thus hooked, we read on.

“Who needs privacy?” the article begins. Ah, leading with a rhetorical question – very clever Eagle Gazette auteur, very clever indeed. Now, I’m wondering not only about the nature of the object this man was allegedly fucking, but also pondering whether I’d be inclined fuck inanimate objects solely in the privacy of my own home, or if I might find it extra thrilling to hump, say, an antique dresser (or particularly sexy foot stool, perhaps) in the center of Main Street?

“Apparently not Derek R. Peelle… according to the Fairfield County Sheriff’s Office,” the story continues. “Deputies arrested him for indecent exposure after a neighbor called sheriff’s deputies and said Peelle was having sex with an inanimate object in his driveway around 12:30 p.m. Thursday.”

The news-tease continues, as now it becomes clear Mr. Peelle was having sex with the object in broad daylight, yet we still know only that the object was lifeless, but not what sort of object it was.

This is where things take a turn for the less-than-satisfactory, however, because it soon becomes clear we’re just never going to get the answer we crave…

OK, So LAST Time He Fucked A Piece Of Furniture –You Still Haven’t Answered My Question!

As news articles often do, this one takes a sudden turn into background facts – which is nice, but still doesn’t help fill in the blanks which would enable us to develop a full mental picture of Mr. Peelle and his (evidently) favorite “inanimate object.”

“This is not the first incident involving Peelle and the neighbor,” we’re told. “On Feb. 20, the neighbor called the sheriff’s office and said Peelle was having sex with a piece of furniture in public.”

OK, this is certainly important context, but really it only raises more questions. What kind of furniture? Was it a nice piece? Walnut, oak, pressboard, a cheap plastic chair? When you say “in public” did this incident also take place in Peelle’s driveway, or did he head over to Ikea to recreate his favorite episode of Hookers at the Point? C’mon Eagle Gazette – throw us a bone (so to speak) here!

Nope, no such luck. In fact, not only do we not get those questions answered, they never even reveal what, precisely, Peelle was alleged to have fucked in his driveway on Thursday.

Making matters worse, the writer has the audacity to reference a third incident, but provides no details at all about that craven caper.

“The neighbor told deputies a similar incident occurred last summer.”

Oh great, he told the deputies about, but we don’t to hear one salacious thing about the “similar incident”?

I’ll tell you what, Mr. Unidentified Neighbor, Mr. Peelle may be an inanimate object-fucking miscreant, but you’re nothing but an unidentified Neighborhood Watch cock-tease. Even worse, you’re a voyeuristic unidentified Neighborhood Watch cock-tease from the sound of it.

“Deputies said the neighbor took a video of Peelle allegedly performing a sex act in his driveway.”

Dude… You won’t say what Peelle is alleged to have fucked, even though the act was captured on video?

Is there a Pulitzer Prize available for fucking with a curious reader’s head and nobody told me? For shame, Eagle Gazette, for shame.

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