Auto Industry, Please Stop Tempting Men to Screw Cars

Auto Industry, Please Stop Tempting Men to Screw Cars

– Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women

Whenever a story hits the news about a man fucking something which probably ought not to be fucked, like a hole in a tree, a slice of Swiss cheese or Ann Coulter, we’re all quick to make a rush to moral judgment. (We’re even quicker to come up with a bunch of cheap jokes and bad puns aimed at the perverse perpetrator, but that’s both perfectly normal and obviously beneficial to society at large.)

After learning about, say, a man fucking the tailpipe of a car, clearly the first question we ask ourselves is: “Why?” If you drill a little deeper, though, perhaps the question isn’t “why fuck a car?” but “why fuck that car?”

As you know if you read hyperbolic panic-pieces about pornography and/or video games, men are automatons who are incapable of exercising sound judgment once their lizard-brains get focused on anything remotely related to sex or violence. At one point in history, this notion was disputed, but the men disputing it have since lost interest in defending themselves, because they are too busy masturbating and playing Grand Theft Auto 31: Demolition of Des Moines.

Since we already know men can’t control themselves, particularly when sex is involved, how can we be so harsh in our view of those among them who have sex with inanimate objects – cars in particular – especially when you realize just how sexualized the marketing of automobiles has become?

Consider this statement from an piece entitled “Top Ten Sexiest Cars:”

If you really need to get fired up, automobiles bring the heat better than a platter of raw oysters and a fistful of Viagra.

Granted, our randy friend in the Brazilian car fucking video was not exactly pumping a Lamborghini Huracán, but “any port in a storm,” right?

I submit to you that rather than viewing car coitus as a personal character flaw, we should look at it as a media-driven pandemic affecting the most highly suggestable among us (men), and consider the possibility that the only solution might be widespread censorship of automobile marketing materials.

As jolting as the video from Brazil might be, the problem here goes well beyond enticing men to sexually assault parked and unsuspecting silver Volkswagens; this insidious sexualizing of automobiles is impacting men deep within their psyches, undermining their confidence and filling their heads with unrealistic expectations at the same time.

When we allow Top Gear to say things of the Porsche 911 Targa like “Driving one will make you feel like Steve McQueen – guaranteed,” who, if anyone, is held accountable if driving one doesn’t make a man feel like Steve McQueen? What if it makes him feel like Jake Gyllenhaal instead; does he get his money back?

Read on…

The reasons for concern don’t stop at men and the potential for receiving third-degree burns if the car they choose has been driven more recently than they thought; we must also consider the feelings of the cars themselves.

What must it be like for Honda Civics to sit and listen to people fawn over Lincoln Continentals, or for the 1975 Ford Granada to be told it was a “Hideous imitation Mercedes atop an old, disposable Falcon chassis” as put it? That’s just mean-spirited and it’s bound to give elderly Granadas crippling self-esteem issues on top of their admittedly sluggish handling.

So, the next time a story about a man having sex with a car goes viral, instead of reflexively condemning the car-fucker, ask yourself who is really to blame: The poor schmoe who has spent a lifetime being brainwashed by the sexed-up marketing materials of Big Auto, or the fat cats in Detroit, Tokyo, Beijing and Ingolstadt, sitting behind their massive oak desks, cooking up new ways to warp the minds of men?

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