by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com Sex Tips and Movies For Women and Couples
It may be the Masochist in me, but I’ve found myself spending a bit of time on Reddit every day lately. Usually, I’m just lurking around on the “sex” subreddit to get some ideas for stories and advice columns, but yesterday, I spotted possibly one of the most detailed and thoughtful columns from a man about the art and science of the blowjob. As the author posted it up to be freely distributed, I’m syndicating it here. Give it a read. It puts all of those women’s magazines like Ladies Home Journal to shame!
Read on…
[advice] PSA: Blowjobs
As a bisexual man, and formerly promiscuous one, I’ve given and received a lot of blowjobs. There’s a lot to them, and it’s important to know that everyone is different, there is no magic technique that will bring every guy back for more.
I’ve been called on by a few friends for blowjob technique tips, and their partners always seem to come back to thank me, so I thought I would dispense my advice for the masses. My advice as follows is not gospel, it’s also not nearly as detailed as I could have been.
What I see is a whole lot of bad advice out there from people who think they’ve found the one true technique for getting a guy to convulse and shoot semen out his urethra by orally stimulating his phallus. It’s statements like that which remind me that romance is not dead.
There is an idea I’ll be repeating a few times… Every guy is different. “NO SHIT!” you exclaim. Yet, many people seem to understand this academically and do not apply it when it’s needed.
Having had no sexual experience with FTM transgendered folk, I don’t know how much of if any of the following applies to them as well when it comes to what they enjoy. If there are any who come across this writing and would like to add their $0.02, I’d appreciate it.
Table of Contents
- How do you receive head well?
- How do you know if you’re giving good head?
- Your enjoyment of the blowjob you’re giving
- Preparation
- Lubrication
- Stimulation
- Using your mouth (tongue, lips, cheeks, dealing with the hard surfaces)
- Using your hands
- Using your hands: Extending your mouth’s reach
- Using your hands: Grip
- Using your hands: Angle of cock
- Using your hands: Steadying his cock
- Using your hands: The scrotum
- Don’t forget the rest of the body
- Phases of blowjobs: Beginning
- Phases of blowjobs: Middle
- Phases of blowjobs: Approaching his orgasm
- Phases of blowjobs: During his orgasm
- Phases of blowjobs: After his orgasm
How do you receive head well?
It seems to be common knowledge that many guys aren’t active enough in their feedback when it comes to receiving blowjobs. This is a failing of the school system in that Sex Ed in school isn’t comprehensive enough. They should be teaching us to be better lovers as well as safe lovers. Not with practical demonstrations, there are moral and legal issues with that abound, but tips and tricks would be useful.
Guys, the feedback you should be giving to be useful is:
- Moaning if you enjoy something,
- Telling the person gracing your cock with their lips if they’re scraping with teeth and you don’t like it,
- Telling the person gracing your cock with their lips if they’re scraping with teeth and you do like it – Do you want more? Tell them…
- Saying “Keep going” if you’re enjoying the way they’re doing something
- Saying “Speed up” or “slow down” if it would help your enjoyment.
- Saying “Could you use more saliva/lube?”
- If you’re not enjoying it, you’re (probably) not obligated to keep going while the other person gets frustrated from getting no reaction out of you. Try switching to something else.
How do you know if you’re giving good head?
Every guy is different. For the guys out there still not giving you as a cock sucker useful feedback, look out for these signs to work out how to adjust your technique for that person:
- Sharp inhilation of breath
- Heart rate change
- Temperature change
- Body-wide blushing
- Hardness of cock
- Scrotum tightening
- Movement of hips
- He tells you he’s enjoying it
- He grabs you roughly by the hair and starts fucking one of your face holes
A bit more detail on those things:
Sharp inhilation of breath
This can indicate good or bad things, did you just scrape their sensitive cock head with your teeth? Probably not good. Did you just do some new little thing with your tongue? Probably good. Not sure? Ask.
Heart rate change
Can be difficult to detect, and having a beeping heart rate monitor can be a bit distracting (though is good for providing a rhythm for you to work to, and has the added benefit of speeding up as he’s enjoying it more, leading to increased sensation, hopefully meaning he’ll enjoy it more and it will speed up more…)
Temperature change
If he’s starting to sweat, throw off blankets, his face is getting red, then what you’re doing is likely working
Body-wide blushing
As people get turned on, you’ll find various parts of their body get redder. This can be seen most obviously in the face though if you look at the chest you may also see colour change there.
Hardness of cock
The cock tends to get harder as it’s enjoying what you’re doing. You may notice a difference in firmness of it as you continue. It may also pulse if it likes something you’re doing to it or a different part of the body.
Scrotum tightening
A guys scrotum will draw in closer to his body as he’s getting more turned on and closer to orgasm. This may also just be a sign that he’s feeling cold though, or that his testicles wanted to jump back up inside to hide away from the world for a while because they’re feeling introverted.
Movement of hips
The movements are often very small, it might be that he’s raising or lowering his hips a little so that the angle you’re working as is just slightly different because it gives him more stimulation. It might be obvious movements if he’s just wanting to fuck your mouth. It might just be that he was uncomfortable.
He tells you he’s enjoying it
Of course, everyone lies, but this is often a good sign.
He grabs you roughly by the hair and starts fucking one of your face holes
For your sake, I hope your mouth. It’s very uncomfortable to have a cock in the ear. This normally indicates good things for his enjoyment either way.
Your enjoyment of the blowjob you’re giving
Some people loathe giving head, some love it. I’m in the latter camp. I won’t delve into the reasons I like giving head, that’s a lot of words and I don’t want to digress in this writing. Just remember that you are allowed to enjoy the experience too and let yourself get into a rhythm with it.
Preparation
Once you get started it’s nice to have everything ready for during and afterwards. Things I recommend having handy:
- Lubrication
- Something to clean up the mess with
- Water
- Lubrication Some people find that saliva is enough. Many people like a bit of something extra. Your and his preference here, you need to worry about taste and texture, he needs to worry about texture and slipperiness. A section devoted to lubrication follows.
Something to clean up the mess with
I have a drawer in my bedside table stocked with up to 20 bamboo cotton face cloths. They’re so soft and lovely on the glans, very good for wiping away lube, semen and saliva, and washable. Others just use paper towels. Some people enjoy leaving the mess around and just putting their clothes back on or rubbing it on the bed. Each to their own.
Water
Giving blowjobs uses saliva. It can be dehydrating. Also, it’s a good way to wash away any tastes you don’t like.
Lubrication
Every guy is different.
Lubrication during blowjobs can be natural or artificial.
Natural lubrication is fine, but it’s easy to run out of saliva. As a guy, I can’t comment on using a female’s natural lubrication as a way to assist blowjobs.
If you’re wanting to go the natural path, then remember it’s still the preference of the guy receiving your attention you need to remember. Some like it a bit rough, some like it completely smooth.
I find the best lubrication comes after you’ve had his cock in the back of your throat. I assume it’s some layer of mucus back there that helps, but it seems to be thicker and more slippery. Having his cock hit the back of your throat also seems to encourage additional saliva production.
If you’re going artificial, then different lubes for different peoples tastes, the only way to find out what he likes here is to ask him or try different ones. Most people seem to have one texture of lube they like more than others. So many variables here, but I can only recommend highly paying good money for better lube. There’s a great silicon/water mix one I’ve found that pressed my buttons in just the right way, so I make sure I always have a stock of that.
Stimulation
At different phases of the blowjob, there can be too little, too much, or just the right amount of stimulation. It’s important to get this right, because stimulating the wrong way for too long could be very frustrating or very unpleasurable for him. Of course, if that’s your goal, then all the more power to you. More detail on these phases later on.
The penis has a lot of nerve endings. Some areas have more than others. The most sensitive bit is the glans, the least sensitive bit is the lower side of the shaft. The upper side of the shaft seems to be more sensitive, but my non-medically based assumption here is that’s just because the upper side of the shaft doesn’t have as much give below the surface, whereas the lower side has the spongy urethra which can compress a bit to the touch.
From my experience, a large majority of guys cannot orgasm from shaft stimulation alone, the glans must also be stimulated.
If you’re stimulating the penis too much, it will do one of these things:
- If you don’t have enough lube, it’s going to feel rough and painful very quickly
- If you have enough lube and he’s not turned on enough, it’s going to be uncomfortable and not at all enjoyable. For the women out there, think about what it’s like to have a guy fuck you full pace from the get go. Might be fine for him if he’s turned on first, but you’re likely to need a bit more working up.
- If you have enough lube and he’s turned on enough, then over-stimulation can occur if you are focusing a lot of stimulation particularly on the glans. It’s a sensation that will cause many guys to try to physically stop you, as it’s a bit of an overload. (This can be fun to do to someone when they’re tied down).
- If he has just orgasmed and you’re still stimulating hard, then it’s going to be a magnitude worse than the above point, and he’s likely to vocalise his dislike of the situation. This is known as Post-Orgasm Torture. Some like it, many hate it.
- If you’re not stimulating the penis enough, it will either have the effect of having him lose interest, or having him get more and more frustrated because it would feel better to have more stimulation and his whole body knows it. Intentionally frustrating him like this can be a good way to increase his sensitivity if you need to have him recover from over-stimulation or you’re just getting him warmed up.
The only times you should stop stimulation are when he’s had his orgasm, or if you’ve over stimulated him and he needs some recovery time before you continue. How long you leave him is dependent on him and I don’t have advice as to how to best guess what to do. Some people are fine after 5 seconds, some require 5 minutes. Often different for the same person depending on what’s just happened as well. Communication is key to work this one out.
A blow job doesn’t have to be all mouth, you can use your hands as well. If you’re going to be taking your mouth off his cock for a while and all is going well, then try to keep stimulating his cock with your hand. You don’t necessarily need to go the same pace or pressure you were when you were using your mouth, just try not to let him go without anything (unless you’re intentionally teasing)
Using your mouth (tongue, lips, cheeks, dealing with the hard surfaces)
Every guy is different. Experiment to find out what works for the guy your attention is on. The use of the mouth is what makes it a blowjob. There’s a lot of options to consider here. I’ll list a whole bunch of things here and will expand on a few, but not all.
When his cock’s outside your mouth
- Flicking the frenulum with the tip of your tongue
- Licking the shaft – note that the bottom and top of the shaft will feel quite different to him for you to lick
- Running the tip of your tongue in loops around the edge of the glans
- Running your full tongue in loops over his entire glans
- Playing with the urethral opening with your tongue
- All of the above involving kissing areas instead of using your tongue on them.
- Licking the scrotum
- Putting the scrotum in your mouth and sucking (BE GENTLE TO START – this can be painful if you use too much suction. Some guys might like that, of course. Use your discretion)
When his cock’s inside your mouth
- Teeth hurt. For a large majority of guys, they don’t like this. Be very cautious of his cock near your teeth, it can be an immensely unpleasant expereince to feel like someone is trying to chew through your penis.
- Adjust your suction as you go. Everyone’s different, some like none, some like you to be a vacuum, many like somewhere in between. The amount of suction you’re applying changes how it feels to him because it pulls the various surfaces in your mouth tighter to his cock to varying degrees.
- Use your tongue. You can roll your tongue around the sides of his cock, use it to press his cock up into your palate, use it to protect his soft flesh from your hard teeth
- Your throat is an interesting place for a cock to go. It can be hard to learn the technique to deep throat. That is another writings worth of information all on its own, and there’s plenty of advice out there (some good, some decidedly not) on how to do this. Some people don’t like the feeling of being deep throated, some crave it. Techniques of what to do when his cock is in your mouth is also beyond the scope of this PSA.
Using your hands
Just because you’re giving a blowjob doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be getting your hands involved in the mix. Use them to increase stimulation or to stimulate other parts of his (or your) body while you’re giving head. If you need to take a break because your jaw is getting sore, feel free to continue stimulating him with your hands. It’s not against the rules, and it can in fact be quite enjoyable to have the varied sensation.
Using your hands: Extending your mouth’s reach
One fantastic technique that deserves its own section is using your hand and mouth in unison. This does require that there’s enough lubrication to be effective. By using your hand directly in front of your mouth while you’re sucking his cock, you increase the amount of stimulation he’s receiving and make it easier on yourself by not needing to take as much of his cock in your mouth. Press your thumb and forefinger against your lips and create a tunnel with the rest of your fingers to do this.
To start, I recommend lubricating your hand be it with artificial or natural lubricants.
A couple of extensions to this method:
If you’re on the downwards stroke of his cock (towards the base) and your pinky finger hits his body, continue the movement by starting to open your grip and slide your pinky and subsequent fingers out across his torso until you’re ready to go back up, then close your hand around your cock smoothly as you come back for air. Rotate your hand around his cock as you stroke. This is particularly effective if you rotate when your hand is over his glans, as this adds a lot of interesting sensation. Using your hands: Grip
The right grip with your hand is important. There are a lot of variables here, it feels very different to him to have your palm on the top or bottom of his cock, and the position of the thumb can play a big part in the sensation he’s getting.
Bear in mind that even a small rotation of your hand can change his experience for better or worse, and experiment to see what works best for him.
A technique to try out is to grip around the base of his cock with the bridge between your thumb and forefinger across the top of his shaft at the base, with your thumb and forefinger wrapping around the base and behind the scrotum. This makes his cock harder and therefore more sensitive, and it can also help to prolong his time before orgasm. That said, it makes other guys cum quicker. Go figure.
Using your hands: Angle of cock
The angle of his cock relative to the position it would normally hold during an erection can have a big effect on how intensely he feels various sensations.
Holding his cock at an angle pointing closer to the ground will increase his sensitivity; this may be a good or bad thing. Bear it in mind and use it to your advantage. Change it up a few times as you’re going.
Using your hands: Steadying his cock
You’re likely to have more success with most guys if his cock is staying relatively still while you’re stimulating it, once you’ve found the angle that’s working for you. If your stroking motion is causing his cock to wave side to side or back and forth as you’re going then the stimulation can be less effective.
Using your hands: The scrotum
Don’t forget to play with his balls a bit. It feels good. Gently stroking with finger tips or finger nails, holding them in your hand, grabbing around the base of them and gently (or roughly, depending on the guy) pulling them away from the body produces a whole lot of sensations that can add nicely to the blowjob experience.
Don’t forget the rest of the body
There are more erogenous zones than just the cock and balls. Don’t feel limited to just paying attention to the genitals.
Phases of blowjobs: Beginning
The point of the beginning bit is to get him worked up.
The start of a blowjob sets the tone for the rest of it. Whether a blowjob is foreplay or the main event doesn’t seem to change this phase, what determines how you start it out should be the mood between both of you and the time you have available.
If you’re wanting to drag out the experience for a while, try not to touch his cock directly at all for a few minutes. Very gentle touches at the beginning are great for getting his cock throbbing and demanding more attention. Play with his cock through his underwear or just play with erogenous zones to make him really want and desire what’s going to follow.
This is the only phase where what his preference for lubrication doesn’t have to change what you do. WIth very light and slow touches and motions, you can get away with playing with his cock completely dry (though only for a few minutes).
Spend some time at this point experimenting with licking and kissing different areas of his cock to see if you can judge his reactions on what he likes, this is the easiest time to work out what makes him tick.
Slowly descending your warm wet mouth down his shaft for the first time during a blowjob is nearly always worthy of him holding his breath as he savors the sensation. Try pausing once you’re down as far as you’re comfortable with for a little while, then come back up slowly. Continue at a slow pace for a while to get yourself warmed up as well as him.
During this beginning phase it’s fine to stop stimulation of his cock altogether for a while as you help him get more worked up.
Phases of blowjobs: Middle
The middle phase of the blowjob is where you’re likely to be spending the most time. At the end of this phase is when you will be most likely be the best point to move on to other activities if it was just foreplay up ’til then.
This phase normally starts when he’s as hard as he’s going to get during normal stimulation and you’ve been then working on getting him mentally ready to enjoy your stroking.
From this point onwards, unlike the previous phase, you should be giving him fairly consistent stimulation (unless you get into the situation of over-stimulation and he needs a short recovery time). Having the right amount of lubrication for him is therefore essential when you’re starting this phase.
Speed of stroking during this phase shouldn’t experience any rapid changes. It’s good to increase your pace over the phase, and once you’ve sped up, if he’s enjoying it more, don’t slow down from that point. Even though the speed of stroking shouldn’t be changing much, it’s still a good idea to change your stimulation technique on him a few times during this phase, change from mouth only to hands only to using your hands as an extension, work out what works best for both of you. You should eventually find the right pace and technique which makes him show more signs of enjoyment and pleasure than others though, and that’s what you’ll want to stick with for the next bit if you’re continuing past here to…
Phases of blowjobs: Approaching his orgasm
If the blowjob is your main event, then once you’ve found the technique and speed during the middle phase which is continuing to increase his arousal, now is the time to stick with it. Changing what you’re doing now will likely take you a step back to the middle phase and you’ll have some work to get him back to this point.
Note that going as fast as you can will not necessarily help him reach orgasm. Guys can come from stroking with the right technique at less than 60bpm (1 full up/down per second), the technique which is delivering sensation to him is much more important. If his arousal level is continuing to rise then you don’t necessarily need to speed up your motion to get him to orgasm. It can help of course, so if you’re going to change to see if he’s enjoying it more, same as the last phase, increase your speed gradually.
The biggest problem that people seem to hit when they get to this phase is going too fast. If you’re stroking too fast, then the way that your stimulating can change because you’re not keeping enough control of his cock. As noted in the Using your hands: Steadying his cock section, keeping the cock steady will likely help with his orgasm. Increasing speed makes this harder to do so you should be careful of this gotcha.
What happens when he knows he’s just passed the point of no return is something you will have ideally discussed beforehand, whether it’s him telling you verbally, him tapping the back of your head, whatever it is you agree on. But once you get that signal (preferably with warning before that it’s coming soon), then you move on to…
Phases of blowjobs: During his orgasm
Your task isn’t over yet. What you do during his orgasm can massively change his experience of it. This is where you should try to remember some of the things that have been doing it for him up to this point and try to utilise them.
If you’re being a mean person and giving him a ruined orgasm, this is when you’d stop all stimulation.
If you’re being a very mean person and continuing on to post orgasm torture, you’ll be continuing to stimulate him in whatever way you brought him to orgasm, probably speeding up a bit if possible.
If you’re being a nice person and going for a good orgasm for him, then you need to work out a couple of things:
- Where is he going to ejaculate?
- What stimulation are you going to give him during his orgasm?
- Where is he going to ejaculate?
- Are you going to take your mouth off his cock so you don’t get his cum in your mouth?
- Are you going to keep your mouth on his cock but not swallow?
- Are you going to keep your mouth on his cock and swallow?
- Taking your mouth off his cock
If you’ve decided he’s not going to cum in your mouth, where’s it going to go? On himself (his chest/legs/face/mouth)? On your face/body/breasts/ass/feet/navel (Any of these might be his fetishes, do you know what turns him on and do you want to give him that)? On a towel? Off a balcony of a 15th story apartment onto the street below?
I’d highly recommend avoiding having him ejaculate into any hair. That is hard to get out. I’d also highly recommend avoiding having him ejaculate in your nose or eyes as that’s exceptionally uncomfortable (albeit moisturising).
After you know where it’s going, you’ve got to remember to keep stimulating him. Not stimulating him makes it a ruined orgasm, and again, most people don’t like those. Some fetishize it (I’m looking at you, /r/ruinedorgasms)
Leaving your mouth on his cock but not swallowing
Well, we know where he’s going to ejaculate. But what are you planning on doing with it once he’s finished his orgasm? This is where preparation is important. If you’re spitting it out, have a tissue or towel ready to make clean up easy. If you’re taking a kinkier option and snowballing with him, then you’d better get up to him quickly, because the texture quickly changes for the worse.
Leaving your mouth on his cock and swallowing
That sure makes clean up easier. If you haven’t done this before, then depending on the force at which his cum leaves his cock, you might get a bit of a surprise. There’s a risk if he’s a hard shooter that it hits the back of your throat hard and makes you gag a bit. The position of his cock in your mouth can make this easier on you, especially depending on your preference of the taste as well. If you like the taste, then having the cock shallow in your mouth means you get this all over your tongue and you can do what you like from there. If you don’t like the taste, then it’s better for you to put the cock as far back in your mouth as you can and start swallowing immediately.
What stimulation are you going to give him during his orgasm?
Giving a good orgasm isn’t hard, but this is the time to use as much of what you’ve learned about what he likes and put it to good use.
If you’re removing your mouth from his cock, then keep stroking at the same speed that you brought him to orgasm with. Pretty simple. Just remember to aim, because some guys shoot their load a long way when they cum.
If you’re keeping your mouth on his cock, then what you can do depends on how big he is and how far his cock is in your mouth. Try continuing to bob your head up and down on his cock during his orgasm to continue some stimulation, and use your hand on whatever bit of his shaft is exposed. Stroking with a full hand if there’s lots there, or just a thumb and forefinger if there’s not much.
If a lot of his cock is exposed while you’re keeping your mouth on his cock, then another option would be to use just a thumb and forefinger to grip as high up his cock as you can and stroke down to the base of his cock, release, and repeat. This is a very interesting sensation for the receiver, though will depend on his tastes as to whether he enjoys this or not. One way to find out though.
So, his orgasm is subsiding, we’re on to…
Phases of blowjobs: After his orgasm
If you’re being a very mean person and continuing with port orgasm torture, this is when you’d keep stimulating his cock, particularly focusing on the glans. If he’s not restrained and he hasn’t agreed to accept this stimulation, you may receive a quite violent response to this nasty surprise. It is an immensely intense stimulation to receive and is very hard to control yourself during.
If he is restrained and he hasn’t agreed to receiving this stimulation, then he’s likely to be pulling hard against the restraints and you might hear some very naughty words being shouted. Once you get past the cursing it normally devolves into uncontrollable laughter mixed with incomprehensible screaming/yelling.
If you’re being a nice person and letting him enjoy the afterglow of his orgasm, then you’ll want to work out whether you’re using something or giving him something to clean up his cock with. I recommend leaving that to the guy himself, as his cock will be very sensitive and someone else cleaning it up can be a very uncomfortable experience. Preparation is important for this one, I don’t recommend using tissues because they fall to bits and leave little pieces of tissue paper on the cock. Soft towels are preferable, kitchen paper towels will do in a pinch.
That’s All Folks
******
Thank you, kind sir, for writing that up!
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