If I’m Your Date, Hold the Oysters – and the Chicken Parm – Please

For years, people have been telling Calico that oysters are an aphrodisiac — a claim some say is backed by scientific research. Even if it’s true, Calico says she’s not eating oysters unless her life literally depends on it, because her idea of a good time (and a good meal) doesn’t include consuming slimy lumps of unfortunate-looking mollusk.

More recently, Calico read an article that chicken parmigiana is an aphrodisiac, at least according to a lot of New Yorkers. But as much as she loves a good plate of chicken parm, Calico doesn’t exactly see a massive carb load as a very good pre-sex option, either.

So, what does she like to eat for a pre-sex meal? It’s not very romantic, exotic or highly rated among the cosmopolitan dating set, but at least it doesn’t make her feel like she’s about to explode with bloat. Read all about it in her latest post, “If I’m Your Date, Hold the Oysters – and the Chicken Parm – Please”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Entertrainment for Women and Couples

I can still remember the first time someone tried to sell me on the idea that oysters are aphrodisiacs. It was on a first date, we were at a seafood restaurant – and my date thought telling me he’d ordered oysters because they’re aphrodisiacs was a good idea.

He was wrong.

Mind you, I wasn’t miffed by the guy’s presumption activities for which an aphrodisiac would be useful were in the offing on a first date; I’d had more than a few first dates lead to sexual encounters by that point in my life, after all. I was irked by the idea I’d eat those slimy little balls of grossness for any reason.

Put simply, I don’t care if you line up scientists from here to Maine who will back up the idea there’s something to this oysters-as-aphrodisiacs thing, I’m not eating oysters unless I’m at death’s door due to starvation and oysters are my only option for life-saving sustenance.

Oysters aren’t the only food people claim to contribute to horniness, of course. People say the same about plenty of foods I like to eat too, including watermelon, chocolate and strawberries. The thing is, I’ve eaten enough of each of those things to float a battleship full of sex-starved seamen and I never noticed any sort of boost in sexual desire.

In fact, other than alcohol and ecstasy (“MDMA” for you technical types) – which I’d argue dull inhibitions more than they enhance desire – I don’t think I’ve ever consumed a substance which truly made me any hornier than I already am/was.

This doesn’t mean these alleged aphrodisiacs don’t work for other people; I’m just saying they didn’t do any sort of trick for me. As such, in my world, it’s less about what I eat that will boost my desire than it’s a question of what I can eat which will enhance (or at least not diminish) my sexual pleasure and performance when I get down to post-meal business.

Luckily, due to the wonders of the Information Age, we all have access to information about recommended pre-sex meals, in addition to the many new and novel claims about which foods are aphrodisiacs. 

For example, among New Yorkers, apparently the pre-sex meal of choice is… chicken parmigiana?

“Local singles tell The Post that the way to a guy’s heart these days is through a nice, big meal of chicken parmigiana,” writes Suzy Weiss for the New York Post.

One fellow, identified by Weiss as “chicken parm bro” Brady Langmann, said he’s all about the chicken parm too – but that it’s not a first date food.

“It’s the perfect make-for-a-date dish,” Langmann told Weiss, adding that the chicken parmigiana from a spot around the corner from his place is “part of my self-care routine.”

I’m not sure what part of his “self-care routine” chicken parm comes in handy for, but here’s hoping Brady isn’t using it to exfoliate his face. Either way, I can’t see eating chicken parm as a pre-sex meal, despite loving its flavor, because eating it makes me feel like I’m being prepped as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.

I suppose while I’m chiming in on (read: “mocking”) other people’s choices in aphrodisiacs and/or pre-sex meals, it’s only fair that I reveal my own. It’s not very exciting or exotic, I’m afraid: I like to make a smoothie using lemonade, strawberries, blueberries and just a touch of yogurt.

Does this smoothie concoction make me horny? Nah. But it does give me a little boost of energy – and, more importantly, it doesn’t make me feel bloated, too full, weighted down or otherwise about as sexy as a burlap sack full of mud.

Look, there’s no right or wrong answer here. If chicken parm (or even, shudder, oysters) does the trick for you as a pre-sex meal, then knock yourself out – eat whatever it is that turns your crank and do it to your heart’s content. Just don’t take me on a date, slap a plate of slimy sea-mess or chicken bloatgiana in front of me and expect me to join you in gulping them down.