A Sex Tape, a True Crime Podcast, a Kardashian and a Private Equity Firm Walk into a Bar…

A Sex Tape, a True Crime Podcast, a Kardashian and a Private Equity Firm Walk into a Bar…

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

Sometimes, I just wake up and try things that occur to me to try, for no reason other than that they bubbled to the surface of this increasingly addled brain of mine. Occasionally, I even undertake this sort of experimentation before I’ve had any coffee – a risk-filled endeavor I don’t recommend, unless you think you might fancy the outcome of putting ranch dressing on your cornflakes.

For some reason, today I decided to type the word “Kardashian” into a Google news search. Why? Well, because I haven’t been ‘keeping up’ with the Kardashians, naturally. 

Maybe She Should Try Launching the Private Equity Firm AT Kanye West?

I must say, the range and variety of Kardashian-related articles one encounters via this experiment is truly staggering. “Kim Kardashian launches private equity firm, becoming the latest celeb to enter the investment industry,” proclaims one ludicrously long headline. “Kim Kardashian is a fan of her ex, Pete Davidson, and has a true crime podcast coming,” reveals CNN, leading me to wonder what sort of crimes Pete Davidson has committed to inspire the creation of this podcast – and whether Kim is a Pete fan despite his criminal misdeeds, or because of them?

Speaking of Pete Davidson, evidently he “Feels ‘Awful’ That Kim Kardashian Has to Deal With Fresh Attacks From Kanye West.” I’m tempted to say that’s sweet of Pete, but I’m going to withhold judgment until I find out about those alleged crimes. 

As for how to deal with the problem making Pete feel awful, I’m no military strategist, but if I were sustaining attacks from Kanye West, I think my response would be to explore the option of egressing Kanye East.

Everything is Digital Now; Why Do We Still Call Them Sex “Tapes”?

That’s all very interesting, but I’m not here to write about topics relating to private equity firms, true crime podcasts or Pete Davidson feeling awful (although that might help him someday with the judge at a sentencing hearing) – I’m here to write about topics relating to sex, porn and… uh… sexy porn?

The good news is, you can’t very well go a Google news search for “Kardashian” and not get results related to sex and/or porn.

“Kris Jenner Is Asked If She Helped Release Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape on Lie Detector Test” announces another headline – one that strikes me as very, very unlikely. How does one release a sex tape via a lie detector test? Do lie detector tests even have video screens? Does any device play tapes anymore?

“Kris Jenner put herself in the hot seat on Thursday night during an appearance on The Late Late Show With James Corden with her youngest daughter, Kylie Jenner,” the article helpfully explains. “The 66-year-old momager agreed to partake in a lie detector test, answering some questions that have followed her throughout her time in the spotlight.”

I get it now; Kris Jenner was hooked up to a lie detector test when she made a sex tape with James Corden. Hmmm… That doesn’t sound quite right, either. Maybe it’s time for me to finally have that coffee and try all this again.

Calico Has Some Coffee and Tries All This Again

Properly caffeinated, I now understand what this story is all about: Kris Jenner recently took a lie detector test during which James Corden had sex with a tape asked her about her daughter’s sex tape and whether Kris had been involved in releasing it.

“When the question was posed, the crowd of The Late Late Show gasped, but Kris calmly replied, ‘It’s OK, no, no,’ she answered, with the man running the test confirming her answer. ‘We cleared that up,’ she added.”

On the one hand, it’s a relief to hear that Kris Jenner wasn’t part of releasing her daughter’s sex tape. On the other hand, that’s a rather dull ending to my account of this experiment – so the next time I try this, I’m going to intentionally refrain from consuming coffee until after I’m done. Hopefully, that will yield a closing paragraph more like this:

“Yes, I directly negotiated the release of James Corden’s sex tape with Ray J – but it was then stolen by Pete Davidson, who sold it to Kanye West, who then leaked it to a private equity firm,” Kris confirmed to the stunned studio audience, which gasped for a second time. “You can hear all about it next week on my daughter’s new true crime podcast!”