Celebs, Rats, Snakes and the Hazards of Reading Too Fast
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com
I’m not sure if I suffer from an undiagnosed case of Adult ADHD or if I’m just prone to trying to do too many things at once, but lately I find myself doing double-takes over stuff I read on the internet, because my brain keeps mashing together unrelated facts into a single, troubling narrative.
For example, until I read the report in question more thoroughly, I briefly thought John Oliver and Dustin Hoffman had accused each other of sexual harassment, in what I suppose would have been a case of “he said/he said-with-a-British-accent.”
Along those same lines, I spent a couple pre-coffee minutes this morning trying to figure out why Taylor Swift’s rats were attacking Kim Kardashian’s wax figures, or maybe vice versa.
“Celebrity Beef” Would Be a Great Name for a Sandwich
One of the things my brain had trouble processing when reading various accounts of Kim Kardashian’s recent Instagram post and the reaction of Taylor Swift fans thereto was this line from the Billboard article about the situation: “Kim Kardashian is never, ever, ever letting the beef die.”
Upon further reflection, of course I eventually realized Billboard was referring to the ongoing feud between Swift, Kardashian and Kardashian’s significant other, Yeezy, or Yeezus, or Pablo, or whatever the hell else Kanye West is calling himself this week.
When I first read Billboard’s line however, I felt a measure of confusion mixed with relief. Yes, for one, shining moment, I admit to gaining a degree of respect for Kardashian – or at least respect for her commitment to the welfare of her cattle, of which I hadn’t realized she had any.
I do think I’ve come up with a good use of the term “celebrity beef,” however; it would be a terrific name for a sandwich. The best part is you could keep the sandwich on your deli’s menu long after the stars which first inspired it have faded from memory – something you probably can’t say about a certain sandwich available at Lioni Italian Heroes.
Too Many Celebs, Not Enough Clear Metaphors
Even after I’d recovered from my private embarrassment over the undying beef thing, I was still confused by the all the snake and rat talk.
As US reported it, after Kardashian posted the picture of herself taking a picture of nude wax figures of Yeezelbub and Swift, Swift’s “army of fans” responded by “flooding the reality stars comment section with rat emojis.”
As I understand it, Kardashian once referred to Swift as a snake, leading members of the Swift Militia to post rat emojis because, as one such Team Taylor member put it “snakes eat rats.”
This claim is true enough, but as a former snake-owner, I feel compelled to add the following cautionary note: If your snake has grown accustomed to being given freshly-killed things to eat, it may struggle with killing and eating a live rat.
As to when, where and how Taylor Swift plans on eating Kim Kardashian, these articles don’t offer much guidance, but I think it’s safe to say such a display of celebrity cannibalism would draw quite a large audience on social media.
That said, I’m not sure a rat is the best metaphor for Kardashian, even in the context of this ongoing celebrity feud. If I were to choose an appropriate creature to which to analogize Kardashian, I’d probably go with a mesozoon – you know, just because of Yeezelicious being a gay fish and all.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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