Sex on the Beach: A Fine Name for a Drink, but Let’s Leave it at That

Sex on the Beach: A Fine Name for a Drink, but Let’s Leave it at That

Of all the places Calico has been told are great locations in which to have sex, there’s one that stands out as uniquely ill-suited as a venue for sex, despite what what people have told her to the contrary.

Normally, Calico’s attitude towards this sort of thing is squarely in the “different folks, different strokes” category, but as it turns out, Calico’s least favorite recommendation for a sex spot is problematic for all sorts of reasons that never even occurred to her.

Armed with this knowledge, Calico now finds herself shifting from the “not for me, but do whatever floats your boat” mindset to more of a “no, seriously, just find somewhere else to fuck” state of mind.

Where is it that many people think of as a great location for sex, but the very idea of doing it again makes Calico’s skin crawl? Given that lots of people seem to agree with her, how is it possible that so many people are having sex there that it’s actually doing damage? Also, a FERRIS WHEEL?

Read all about it in Calico’s new post, “Sex on the Beach:: A Fine Name for a Drink, but Let’s Leave it at That”

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

Read on…

I know I’ve beaten this particular drum before, but some of the places and spaces people will list as hot spots in which to have sex, or even “mind-blowing” locations to do the deed, just don’t appeal to me at all. 

Take the item at number one on the list linked above, for example: A Ferris wheel, seriously? Only if my partner enjoys being vomited upon – and enjoys paying the inevitable fine for public indecency.

Other suggestions strike me as terribly mundane, despite being told that to try them, I need to be “adventurous as fuck.” Who hasn’t had sex on top of a washing machine? I’m nowhere near adventurous as fuck and I’ve had sex on top of Maytags, Samsungs and Whirlpools.

Sex on the Beach: Because Nothing Lubricates Better Than Sand

Of the many suggestions I’ve tried and regretted, perhaps no location for sex has been a bigger letdown than the beach. Don’t get me wrong, as a spot for romance without sex, the beach is hard to beat, especially around sunset (or sunrise, probably, if you’re a morning person, which I am not).

The problem is, once you start having sex on the beach, there’s just this thing called getting sand in places where you seriously do not want sand to go.

Even when my partners and I have taken precautions to prevent sand from winding up between, on and in us, we’ve found ourselves victim of enough misplaced grains to render the whole experience an irritating mess.

I’m not, of course, the only person who has noticed this about having sex on the beach. Hell, at this point, it’s easier to find lists of reasons why you shouldn’t have sex on the beach than it is to find people advocating for it. 

What’s Next; Scuba Gangbangs on the Great Barrier Reef?

Now that we all know sex on the beach is a sandy fiasco waiting to happen (in your underwear, no less), how can there be enough people having sex on some specific beaches to cause real environmental damage to places like the Dunas de Maspalomas Special Nature Reserve on the island of Gran Canaria?

As reported by CNN, the researchers who published the study linked above “inventoried 298 ‘sex spots’ on the beach, over a total area of over two square miles, mainly among ‘bushy and dense vegetation’ and nebkhas — dunes that wad up around vegetation… The tourists’ sex, and ‘cruiser trampling,’ impacts ‘directly’ not only on the nebkhas, but also on eight native plant species, three of which are endemic, they found.”

Making matters far, far worse, tourists are also using the dunes as a toilet, leaving “urination and defecation locations” for the researchers to discover, along with waste that included “cigarettes, condoms, toilet paper, wipes and cans.”

Granted, I don’t think we can necessarily blame people having sex for the presence of cigarettes, cans and toilet paper, but it’s probably safe to say the condoms weren’t being used as beer bottle cozies by smokers who decided to use the spot as a naturally occurring portalet.

The Saying Isn’t “Take Nothing but Photos, Leave Nothing but Bodily Fluids”

Normally, I’m not one to shame people over their choice of locations in which to have sex. All I really ask is that they be at least a little considerate of others, clean up after themselves, leave my house out of the background if they happen to be filming porn and try not to trod upon any endangered species in the process.

But, when it comes to places like the Dunas de Maspalomas Special Nature Reserve, or any other sensitive, delicately balanced ecosystem, maybe y’all could just keep your pants on? Or have sex in your car in the parking lot, possibly after dumping some sand in the back seat just to give the experience a more authentic feel?

Or, if what you’re really after is just the good feeling of being buck-naked in the sun and sand, you could always pursue alternative approaches to reaching that same state.