Do I WANT To Know The Weird News Backstory Here?

Well, 2020 is off to a great start in the weird news department — even if you’re not a White House correspondent. Just a matter of hours into the new year and we already had reports of a carjacking that spanned state lines, originated in a truck parked outside an adult video store… and involved a goat.

What was the goat’s role in the carjacking, you might ask? Well, it’s safe to say he wasn’t driving the truck, even with a gun pointed at his head, because goats generally are law-abiding creatures and they don’t issue drivers licenses to livestock in Missouri.

No, the goat was an innocent here — and, thankfully, so far as we’re aware, the goat emerged from the incident with his innocence intact, as well.

If you’re wondering why someone had a goat in the car with them in the parking lot of an adult video store, I’m sure you’re not alone — but Calico isn’t certain she wants an answer to that question. Find out why in her latest post, “Do I WANT To Know The Weird News Backstory Here?”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com at Sssh.com Erotic Entertainment for Women and Couples

When it comes to “true crime”weird newsstories, sometimes the background details of the story are more compelling, revealing and/or disturbing than its main thrust. 

The crux of the Jeffrey Dahmer story, for example, is that he was a serial killer – but the reason everyone remembers the story is that he ate some of the people he killed. Without that tidbit (and the necrophilia part, of course), he’d be just another mass murderer; add in the cannibalism and he became the “Milwaukee Monster.”

Similarly, if you read about a guy who gets spotted jerking off in his car by his fellow commuters, that’s a pretty ho-hum story. Add in the fact that the guy wrapped his dick in swiss cheese for his automobile-located masturbation though and you’ve got a recipe for surefire internet infamy.

Weird News: Maybe It’s an Anxiety Therapy Goat?

Other times, however, I read a news story, and I’m not sure I want to know the weird news backstory, even if it might add serious spice to the tale. I read one such story this week, involving an adult store parking lot, a carjacking and…. a goat?

First, just to be clear since I’m talking about this right after referencing a man masturbating in his car, and despite the fact this crime originated just outside an adult shop, “carjacking” here refers to the man being taken hostage along with his car being stolen – not a man masturbating in his car in the parking lot of an adult video store while in the company of a goat.

Anyway, as the story goes, a fellow named Brandon Wade Kirby was arrested after he (allegedly) “stole a pickup truck with a sleeping passenger and a goat inside it and drove it all the way from Missouri to Oklahoma before releasing the terrified victim and animal.”

The report further states that the guy sleeping in the truck was left out there by his friend, who popped inside the unidentified adult video store to do a bit of shopping. The man left behind in the car later awoke to find that a “masked man was driving the truck and pointing a gun at his head.”

What stands out to me here is the total lack of explanation for the goat – and I must say, maybe I’m glad for that fact. 

Why did two men drive to an adult store with a goat in tow? I’m hopeful there’s an innocent explanation – no, scratch that: I’m willing to assume, without further question, that there’s an innocent weird news explanation.

Just Wait ‘til the Other Two Billy Goats Gruff Hear About This

Whatever the reason for the goat’s presence, there’s no doubt the goat is the most innocent victim here. This is not to say the humans associated with the truck did anything wrong – just that you can’t very well blame a goat for being in a truck that winds up getting carjacked, regardless of how or why the goat was there to begin with. 

Hell, ask the goat and I’m sure he’d tell you he’d rather be eating trash, or sleeping peacefully through the night, or doing pretty much literally anything else than sitting in the parking lot of an adult video store next to a sleeping human.

As for Mr. Kirby, while he allegedly badly mistreated his human victim, the report doesn’t indicate that he did anything untoward involving the goat – so his defense attorney can at least raise that at trial as a point in his client’s favor. (“Ladies and gentlemen, as you consider his fate, please bear in mind nobody has even accused Brandon of threatening the goat, let alone having sexual relations with it…”)

In any event, it was very wise on Kirby’s part not to threaten the goat for non-legal reasons, too – just ask anyone familiar with the goats of folklore.

Why Am I Not Surprised There Was Meth Involved Here?

What Kirby did do while driving probably won’t help his case much, though.

“During the 130-mile ordeal, Kirby took methamphetamine, pistol-whipped the victim and continually threatened him, according to the arrest report,” NBC reports. 

Kirby was finally arrested in Sand Springs, Oklahoma, when after letting his passengers out of the truck, the human victim (presumably it was the human, at least) called 911.

The arresting agency, Sand Springs Police Department, announced Kirby’s arrest with a bit of plea for the months ahead attached.

“OK 2020, it only took you 4.5 hours to get weird,” the department wrote on Facebook. “Let’s slow down on the carjacking-goatnapping calls for the remainder of the year.”