In The Wake Of “It,” Get Ready For A Return Of Creepy Clown Porn Panic

Historically, it hasn’t taken much to get people’s minds racing in a nonsensical, panicky direction, whether that direction is toward pizza parlors, fantasy role-playing games, or certain combustible plant parts.The only ingredients you need to create a far-fetched moral panic are an unfamiliar object or concept, a few strange-looking, miscreant human beings you can associate with that object/concept and media outlets willing to dignify the whole ridiculous package with hyperventilating reporting – accompanied by appropriately ominous-sounding music, of course, preferably rendered in a minor key.

Of course, if you add sex into the mix, it amplifies everything accordingly, presumably leading people to worry about perpetually-stoned college students having Dungeons & Dragons-themed orgies at their pizza parties, possibly even including a few very threatening Juggalos.

They’re Baaa-aack

Given the box office success of the film adaptation of Stephen King’s It and the inevitable porn-parody thereof, I can see coming a mile away the resuscitation of another recent, minor bit of media-fueled hysteria: creepy clown porn-panic.

It’s a shame, really, because if you ask me it hasn’t been long enough since the last creepy clown porn-panic, which isn’t fair to all the other potential mixing of strangely-dressed people and porn genres we could be panicking over instead, like a “menacing mime” porn-panic, or perhaps a “guys dressed like Spider Man masturbating in public” porn-panic.

I fear we’re going to have to wait for these other panic possibilities to come along, however, because while last year’s creepy clown porn-panic may have preceded the release of It, there’s just no way an industry which thrives on coopting mainstream entertainment success will be able to resist pumping out It parodies galore in the months ahead.

On the bright side, this means plenty of job security for adult industry makeup artists, especially those who have experience working at the circus or once interned at the Mooseburger Camp.

But Is He Pound-Foolish?

As a devoted sci-fi reader, a lot of people assume I’m also into the fantasy and horror genres, but the truth is I’ve never read a single Stephen King book. I don’t have anything against King, his work has just never made it onto my reading list – possibly because I so scarred by the experience of watching The Shining as a kid, I couldn’t even handle watching Lakers games on TV until I was in my thirties.

Due to my lamentable King-ignorance, all I know about the killer clown in It is his name, “Pennywise.” Hell, I don’t even know if the clown is also pound-foolish, as his name implies. Has Pennywise ever considered permanently tattooing his face with his trademark look, or is he eschewing this money-saving long term approach for the short-term saving opportunities offered by sharply discounted Ben Nye products?

What; No Gunslinger Porn?

Over the summer, there was another Stephen King porn parody-based panic we could have indulged in but did not – a Dark Tower porn-panic.

Maybe it was the relatively low box office numbers generated by the movie, or maybe porn producers were at a loss for male talent which could even remotely compete with the attractiveness of Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey, but for whatever reason, Dark Tower porn parodies are nowhere to be found.

This is too bad, because it would be really something to see a gay porn parody of the movie in which a “Cockslinger” takes on a Man in Black Leather, or even just a solo performer vigorously bouncing up and down on a big, black, floor-mounted dildo.