My People Aren’t As Sexually Repressed As You Think

In her new piece, Calico takes heart in a new survey which suggests “her people” (meaning people from England and Wales, her ancestral homes) are not as sexually repressed, stodgy and hung-up about sex as people often say.

Read on…

by Calico Rudasill

While I was born and raised in the American Southwest, I’ve always felt almost as connected to England and Wales, the homelands of my ancestors, as I do to my long-time abode in the desert.

My grandfather, a man I practically worshipped as a child, exhibited traces of an English accent in his speech despite living here almost his entire life. (It must have been more than a trace, come to think of it; many of his American colleagues referred to him as “Winston” because they thought he sounded so much like Churchill.)

While I’m not averse to poking fun at merry old repressed England from time to time myself, this feeling of close kinship with the English has, on occasion, also called me to defend the culture and people of the Land of Hope and Glory, even when I think the criticism at hand is valid.

And so it comes to pass that, with some measure of pride, I can now cite concrete evidence my people aren’t as sexually repressed as legend would have you believe.

How Repressed Can We Be If Public Sex Is Our Thing?

Before I go further, I should confess something about the above referenced ‘concrete evidence;’ truthfully, the evidence in question is just a survey, the methodology of which I know absolutely nothing. But if other people can stubbornly cling to any fool belief they wish based on the thinnest of evidence, I’m going to assert the same prerogative, dammit.

At any rate, according to the survey, 16.8% of respondents (a group consisting of 1000 Europeans and 1000 Americans) reported having sex in a public park, while 13% confessed to getting busy on the beach.

“Nature seems to be an aphrodisiac for those who enjoy lovin’ outside the privacy of their own home,” states the published analysis of the survey. “Other popular locations for hanky-panky were public restrooms (9%) and the office (7%).”

I’m not so sure nature is the aphrodisiac here, considering a hefty percentage of the sex in parks is likely coming in the context of the parks’ restrooms, considering public park restrooms are well-known hookup spots. In other words, public park bathrooms are many things, but part of ‘nature’ they aren’t.

Be that as it may, one thing it’s hard to support saying about people who hook up in public restrooms is that they’re sexually repressed, or lack a sense of sexual adventure.

The same can be said of people who prefer a roll in the sand of a beach over the traditional hay of…. Umm, wherever it is people have sex in, on, or around hay frequently enough the phrase “a roll in the hay” came to be a euphemism for sex.

What’s With Belgians And Parked Cars?

Looking at the geographic breakdown of common European fantasies and preferred public hookup spots provided in the reporting of the survey results, it appears sex in the park and on the beach are shared throughout Europe as the most desirable, with the exception of Poles, who like getting down at the movies, and the Belgians, who prefer doing it “in a public parking lot or parking garage.”

While I certainly understand the convenience of in-car fucking, I do wonder what it is about Belgium (or Belgians) which makes parked cars more appealing than a beach, restroom, theater etc.

Do they not have the equivalent of the proverbial “Make Out Point” in Belgium, where (often fictional) lovers go to look out over the city lights, engage in foreplay, then get eaten by monsters and/or shot by psychopaths acting on the advice of their neighbor’s dog?

As for the Polish response, however I might feel about their preferences, this is good to know, just in case I ever find myself in Warsaw wanting to catch a new release while it’s still in theaters. (Note to self: You can wait until it’s available on Netflix or Amazon, Calico; really you can.)

Seriously; No Fucking In MY Bar

While I’ve always been one to say live and let live, to each her own and other clichés which suggest I don’t give too much of a shit about when, where and how others do the nasty, I do have my pet peeves when it comes to public sex.

One of these pet peeves rings in at 3% on the survey chart; the too-vague “at a bar.”

What do people mean when they say they’ve had, or would like to have, sex “at a bar”? Do they mean inside a stall in the bar’s restroom? If so, this seems a bit gross to me, but not entirely unacceptable. Given that restrooms seem to be category of their own, however, I can’t help but interpret this response to mean they’ve been having sex in the open at bars, or fancy doing so.

This is unacceptable, folks, at least in any bar where I happen to be drinking at the time. Simply put, while I’m all about watching people fuck in the right context, the right context will never be a time at which I’m actively trying to get a buzz on.

I don’t pretend to speak for all drinkers, but c’mon now; is it too much to ask for you to limit your amorous dalliances to the darkest booth available in the back corner of the pub, rather than the stool right next to me?

Besides, where I drink, there’s a park right across the street, with at least three restrooms – and a parking lot, too, just in case you’re Belgian.