You Don’t Need Abby For This One: Just Dump That Jerk
Truth be told, for someone who has written as much about sex as she has, Calico has shockingly little aptitude for giving out sex advice. “Try to avoid biting off his dick” and “Don’t forget to let him breath every once in a while as you’re sitting on his face” are both a little obvious and a little crass for most newspapers, for example, despite being two of the very few concrete suggestions she has to offer.
Still, every so often, along comes a question where the answer is so simple and so clear, even Calico can offer a solution. Granted, that solution might not be safe, sound, or even legal, but she can offer a solution.
Calico’s best advice generally involves how to respond when your boyfriend, husband or lover has acted like a jerk, exhibited gross insensitivity, or used your favorite old Ramones t-shirt to wax his car for some reason you still can’t fathom, 19 years later.
What question to Dear Abby stuck out to Calico as having a blindingly obvious answer? Did Abby give the same advice Calico would have offered? Was there a Ramones t-shirt involved? Is it even possible to staple a man’s penis to a phonebook? Find out in Calico’s latest post: “You Don’t Need Abby For This One: Just Dump That Jerk”
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn for Women and Couples
Read on…
While I’ve never penned a letter to a sexual advice columnist or read a sexual self-help book, I can certainly relate to people who have. Sex is something we humans often struggle to talk about with the people we most need to communicate with about sex (namely, our sexual partners), so it’s only natural to turn to a third party with our questions from time to time.
Sometimes, third party advisors, be they professionals or just trusted friends, deal with very tricky questions, like “What do I do if being fingered is my favorite thing, but my boyfriend has hands that aren’t suited to the task because of what he does for a living?” or “Why do I sneeze when I think dirty thoughts?”
Other times though, the question and the answer are far more straightforward. Some, in fact, are so straightforward, I suspect the person asking them already knows the answer before they’ve even typed the question.
Good to Know Receiving a Blowjob from Me is Analogous to Pulling Weeds
Back before marrying one of the more self-aware men I ever dated (which, sadly, isn’t saying a whole lot), I dated some guys who were so clueless, so unable to look at their own actions and ask themselves “Should I be doing this?” that it boggled my mind to no end.
For example, one time a man who I’d had sex with not 10 minutes earlier took a phone call from another woman and when she asked what he’d been up to before she called, he said “Nothing much. Pretty boring day around here, really… just doing some yard work and reading the newspaper.” While I could appreciate the discretion he showed by not excitedly proclaiming “I just received an epic, life-altering blowjob!” the truth was he had just received an epic, life-altering blowjob and I was none too pleased that my fellatio-driven contribution to his bright mood was being lumped in with yard work and perusing the sports page.
Dear Abby… Wait, Before I Start: My Husband Hasn’t Already Written You About Our Sex Life, Has He?
As I look back on that memory, it occurs to me I probably should have been more pissed off that he took the call in the first place – a thought inspired by reading a recent Dear Abby missive from another woman, who has a LOT more to complain about than I did all those years ago.
“I have been married for 19 years now. A few years back, I came to know about my husband’s platonic relationship with his old girlfriend,” writes ‘Betrayed in Florida.’ “She lives in a different state and is married… My husband has long chats with her every day about everything, including our sex life.”
Whoa. That’s one big red flag, right there.
Dudes reading this, in case you’re wondering when it’s OK to talk to a past lover about your sex life with your wife, the answer is when you’re both dead and run into each other in the afterlife. Any time before that and IMO you’re fucking up – very, very badly.
“I confronted him and asked him to end their relationship because knowing that he wants me to do something in bed because his friend does it bothers me a lot,” Betrayed continues. “He promised at the time that he wouldn’t talk or chat with her anymore, and I trusted him.”
Oh dear. Sorry to be the one to tell you this Betrayed, but you just made at least your second mistake here (the first one, evidently, being marrying this guy in the first place).
Spoiler alert: The promise didn’t stick.
“A few weeks ago, I discovered that he still chats with her every day, and he changed her name in his contact list to hide his relationship.”
I mean, who could have seen that coming, right?
“I feel cheated on, and I want to end this marriage. Please help me. I don’t want to make a wrong step.”
As you can imagine, Abby gave her the same advice any sensible person would give: Staple this man’s penis to something heavy, like a phonebook, then throw that heavy thing out the window.
Dear Calico: Can You Recommend a Good Urologist (and Possibly a Surgeon)?
OK, as you’ve likely surmised Abby didn’t truly tell Betrayed to staple her husband’s dick to something heavy and toss it out the window. That was all me – and it goes a long way toward showing why it’s probably a good thing I don’t write an advice column.
What Abby did do is point out the obvious.
“You feel cheated on because you HAVE been cheated on,” Abby wrote. “It will continue as long as you allow it. Because you’re afraid you will take a wrong step, start quietly gathering all the financial information you can and talk with several lawyers before deciding which one will work hardest to protect your interests and proceed from there.”
Pretty sound advice, I’d say.
And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the dick/stapler/phonebook/window approach as a backup plan.
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