What Is It With Sports Fans And Socially-Unacceptable Celebrations?

What Is It With Sports Fans And Socially-Unacceptable Celebrations?

Of all the myriad reasons why we humans occasionally lose our collective shit and start a riot, the impetus that makes the least sense to Calico is the occasion of a cherished sports team winning a championship. What is it about a handful of athletes winning a trophy that makes those who root for them flip cars and set their cities ablaze?

On the bright side, at least most sports-inspired rioters manage to keep their pants on, which is more than we can say for a certain Scottish football fan who went on something of a one-man rampage when his favorite team, Celtic, achieved the coveted “treble” of championships.

What exactly did this overly exuberant soccer fan get up to in his celebration? How did it come to involve both an innocent taxi AND a perfectly blameless fence? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “What Is It With Sports Fans And Socially-Unacceptable Celebrations?”

TAXI sex sports

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Movies for Women and Couples

While I’ve been known to watch a sports game here and there, or even follow a local sports team across a whole season when they’ve been contenders, I’ve never really been a sports “fan” in the true sense of the word (that true sense of the word being that it is derived from the longer word, “fanatic.”)

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a true fan that I often can’t fathom the responses and reactions of people who are such. For example, it has never made a lick of sense to me that to mark major championship victories by their favorite teams, some folks have a tendency to smash things and set them on fire.

The article I linked to is about the riots in Chicago that followed the Bulls winning an NBA championship, but Chicago certainly isn’t alone in this. It’s not just an American phenomenon either, as exemplified by things like normally docile Canadians losing their shit over hockey championships. Hell, even my relatively sleepy hometown had a good size riot when the University of Arizona won its lone basketball championship (and for good measure, another riot when the Wildcats lost in the final four years later).

In His Defense, the Sports Taxi Did Have a Sign which Read “Available”

In any event, while sports rioting clearly isn’t a good thing, I’m not sure we should encourage sports fans around the globe to take a cue on alternative forms of celebration from David Bruce, a fan of the Scottish football team Celtic. 

Why? Well, According to Scottish media reports, he chose a… um… let’s call it a “different” means of expressing his sports-inspired elation. Namely, rather than set a garbage bin on fire or turn over a car onto its roof, Bruce opted to sexually assault a taxi, (among other inanimate objects).

“After a trial at Dunfermline Sheriff Court, Bruce was found guilty of jumping on to the bonnet of a taxi with his trousers down and rub his genitals on the vehicle, simulate sexual intercourse and commit a breach of the peace,” reports Fife Today.

And it only got worse from there…

The Fence, Bruce? The Poor, Innocent Fence?

Bruce’s celebratory sexual rampage didn’t merely consist of teabagging a taxi – not by a long shot. 

Kathleen Nisbet, a witness to his prurient one-man victory parade, told the court that when she first noticed Bruce in the street outside her home, he was “wandering about with his trousers at his ankles.”

“He was staggering about and then started masturbating for two or three minutes,” Nisbet testified. “Eventually he fell on somebody’s path.”

Did Mr. Bruce then peacefully sleep on the path, perhaps in a drunken stupor, you might reasonably ask? Nay, he did NOT, as Kathleen’s husband George can (and did) attest.

“He then started rubbing his private parts up and down on the fence,” George told the court. “It was as if he was trying to have sex with the fence.”

Oh, I don’t think it was “as if” he was trying to have sex with the fence, George. It sounds to me like Mr. Bruce was having sex with the fence. (Admittedly, whether we’re to consider Bruce’s endeavor “successful” may hinge on unreported facts, like whether he achieved an orgasm via his alleged picket poking…)

It was only after fucking the fence that Bruce turned his attention to the taxi – the transition between the two being witnessed by George, as well.

A Scottish 8 is a 12 Just About Anywhere Else

“He threw himself in front of a minibus and started rubbing himself on it like he had been doing with the fence,” George said, revealing that the taxi in question was an 8-seat minivan-style.

As for the driver of the taxi, Don Simpson, his testimony was even more revealing than that of the Nisbets – and included his subjective assessment of just how drunk Bruce was at the time.

“He dropped his trousers and they fell to his ankles,” Simpson testified (presumably tearfully). “He clambered on to the bonnet and started simulating sex. His hips were moving back and forwards.”

Asked to rate Bruce’s level of intoxication on a scale of 1 to 10, Simpson said “eight or nine.”

As someone with Scottish heritage on both sides of her family, I can assure you that a Scots 8 on the Drunk-Richter Scale is like 12 or 14 just about anywhere else.

It remains to be seen whether the court will throw the book at Bruce, whose sentence will be determined in a hearing early next month. Here’s hoping that if the court does throw the book at him, Bruce will be sufficiently sober at the time to assure he doesn’t simply pick up the book and stick his penis betwixt its pages…

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