For most people, there’s nothing funny about death — especially their own.
For those who enjoy a good dose of dark humor, on the other hand, answering the question “What do you want written on your tombstone?” can be a riotous, mirthful affair, an invitation to come up with the sickest, most inappropriate epitaph, whether or not they’d ever consent to such a thing being written on their actual tombstone.
Over in the UK right now, adult performer Johnny Rockard has taken the funeral-humor game to a new level, starting a crowdfunding campaign to help him realize his goal of being sent off in giant, motorized penis, complete with hydraulics which will enable it to be displayed in erect fashion.
How much does Calico love this idea? Find out in her latest post: “Well, I Suppose That’s One Way To ‘Raise The Dead'”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
If your friends are a bunch of morbid appreciators of gallows humor like mine, chances are you’ve answered some version of the question “What do you want written on your tombstone?” at some point in your life.
In my circles, this usually degenerates into a contest to see which one of us can come up with the funniest, most inappropriate and/or disturbing epitaph – a contest typically won by my husband’s friend Seth, for whom South Park is “way too tame.”
One of the most disappointing myth-busting moments I’ve experienced in my life was finding out that W.C Fields’ tombstone doesn’t have “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia” written on it – an urban legend based on Fields’ habit of insulting the city in various one-liners over the years.
Respect His Final Wishes, I Say
The reason I’m thinking about tombstones and wisecracks this morning is that I’m hoping that John Langley (perhaps better known by his nomme du porn “Johnny Rockard”) is successful in reaching the crowdfunding goal which will permit him to go out of this world in the manner of his choice: Riding inside an enormous, penis-shaped coffin.
“I decided that when I go that I want to have a fitting ceremony to the life I’ve led,” Langley said of how and why he cooked up the idea. “I need realistically to raise £5,000 so that I can have a bespoke penis shaped coffin and the reason for this is that I figured out I should leave the way I came in. I will be encased in a 6ft-long penis. The back end of it will be like a pair of balls and under the ball casing will be two wheels and one wheel here at the front.”
Why the wheels, you ask?
“We’re trying to work it out so that the whole thing can be remote-control driven because I can’t see too many people wanting to carry a big cock on their shoulders to wherever this ceremony is going to be.”
Personally, I’m impressed; I mean realistically, how many people are this considerate of others when planning the details of their funerals?
Oh Sure, Some Will Be Offended…
“There are people this is going to shock, there are people who are going to be offended,” Langley said of his funeral-concept. “There are people who will find it hilarious, and good – for everybody.”
In the post accompanying his crowdfunding campaign, Langley explained that he’s simply not interested in being seen off with a more traditional funeral.
“I care not a stuff for ceremonies, especially religious ones,” Langley wrote. “So absolutely no prayers whatsoever shall be uttered. No mention of god or blessings. Just a truly and wonderfully anarchistic event of vicars and tarts suitably and scurrilously anti-dressed for the occasion.”
For those who are offended or angered by his idea, Langley noted this is no reason not to contribute to his campaign. On the contrary, Langley reasoned their outrage simply provides more reason for them to kick in a few bucks.
“If all of this upsets or offends your ideological or theocratic outdated beliefs, then good,” Langley wrote. “You will have a justifiable reason to contribute to this campaign just to see the back of me and send my carcass forth to eternal damnation, I am grateful as your contribution will be taken as donating ‘just for the hell of it.’”
Hey, It Could Be Worse. Much Worse. (Or, If You’re Like Me, Much Better)
For those who think Langley’s idea is just awful and must be the most horrifyingly tasteless funeral concept ever dreamed up by a celebrity, I beg to differ.
I say you only think this because you’ve forgotten, or never saw in the first place, a certain appearance on the old David Letterman show by actor Michael Jeter, in which Jeter spoke about a notion he once had for a storefront funeral parlor on Columbus Avenue called “To Die.”
Rather than describe the idea myself, I’ll just let the dearly departed Mr. Jeter break it down in his own inimitable way.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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