Uganda Be Fucking With Me

Uganda Be Fucking With Me
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples.

Apologies to Chelsea Handler for nicking her book title for the headline to this post, but in this context, her original pun just isn’t strong enough.

In one of those moments that serves to remind women like me just how very fucking lucky we are to NOT live in a country like Uganda, a government official is calling for the detention and quarantine of Ugandan pop singer Desire Luzinda, because someone else posted naked pictures of her to the Internet.
Read on…

You read that right: Luzinda’s asshole ex-boyfriend pulls the ‘revenge porn’ trick on her, and Luzinda is the one the government wants to lock up!

And who is behind this effort to punish Luzinda for having the audacity to be naked while someone else pointed a camera at her? For the sake of brain-straining irony, it had to be none other than the Ugandan Minister of Ethics, Simon Lokodo.

Desire Luzinda already is in hiding, fearing public reprisals over the pictures, and now this Lokodo prick tells us he has instructed the cops to round her up, so she can be properly prosecuted for her “indecent behavior.”

“I have directed the police to arrest her, but first they should investigate her,” Lokodo said, evincing the obligatory hat tip toward what passes for ‘due process’ in an oppressive, ass-backwards shithole like Uganda. “She should be locked up and isolated.”

Yeah, shouldn’t she? I mean, come on – it’s not like Uganda has any bigger problems than celebrity nudes appearing online to corrupt the nation’s otherwise morally-spotless youth, right?

Sure, Uganda’s economy is perpetually in the toilet and there’s enough governmental and private sector corruption that the country manages to stand out as crooked even against a continental backdrop which includes Somalia and Sudan – but I think we can all agree that people getting a look at Desire Luzinda’s bare breasts is way worse than all of Uganda’s other issues combined.

Even I can’t contend that Simon Lodoko hasn’t done an awesome job shielding Uganda’s national honor from corrupting influences. After all, Lodoko did a super job raiding that infamous “gay workshop” where a bunch of Uganda’s criminal homosexuals were conspiring to remain homosexuals, despite homosexuality being against Ugandan law.

“I have closed this conference because it’s illegal,” Lodoko said at the time. “We do not accept homosexuality in Uganda.”

Translation: “Case closed; just be glad we didn’t execute your lubed-up asses, you felonious faggots!”

That death-by-homophobia possibility actually was somewhat more than hypothetical, because right around the same time, the Ugandan legislature was considering a changes in its anti-homosexuality laws.

One change would increase the penalties for homosexuality acts from 14 years to life in prison, because obviously 14 years just isn’t enough of a punishment for such a vicious sin. There was enough controversy surrounding the provision in the law calling for application of the death penalty for “aggravated homosexuality” that the proposal eventually was tabled by the legislature – but while the legislature lacked the wisdom to adopt the capital punishment provision back in 2012, I’m sure they will come around with just a bit more persuasive and oh-so-ethical lobbying on the part of Simon “Hang the Homos High” Lodoko.

Others from the Ministry of Ethics have suggested Luzinda might be let off the hook for the terrible moral failing of being photographed in the nude, provided that she cooperates with the “investigation.”

“She will only be contacted to help in the investigations on this case,” according to Patricia Okiria, an official from the Ministry. “She will help us in establishing the motive of releasing the pornographic content.”

Maybe it was Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Candlestick? I’ve also never liked the look of that Mrs. Peacock, either. Ugandan police please take note: I think she might be a lesbian.

All sarcasm aside, you want to know the really awful part about all of this? I’ll bet Uganda is a beautiful place, filled with lovely, friendly, surprisingly sane people. I’ll bet it’s the sort of place anybody would love to live in, if it weren’t for abject shit-stains like Simon Lodoko being in charge of the place.

Sadly, that’s the general rule in Africa: Lovely, warm, wonderful people, governed by vicious, militant, criminal scumbags, subhuman sleaze who somehow manage to cling to power for decades, despite everyone knowing full well they have the same sort of disposition toward their nation and its people a parasite has towards its unwitting host.

Here’s hoping that before too long, the people of Uganda come to realize that it’s not homosexuality, or pornography – or simple fucking nudity like the offending pictures of Desire Luzinda at issue here – that threaten the future of their nation, but men like Simon Lodoko and their regressive, stultifying, 13th Century-outlook on the proper bounds of human sexuality and sexual expression.