Op-Ed: Dick Story – Threat By Dildo

By Fiona Wilde

There’s a lot of dick stories in the news lately. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining. And it still is National Masturbation Month, after all. But this one made me kind of mad.

It seems the employees of an Oklahoma Tractor Supply store – for you urban folk that’s a business that sells livestock feed and farm supplies – decided to express their displeasure with customer Ralph Polnicky by sending him a very large and very realistic dildo.

The nerve of Tractor Supply. Really. As an avid equestrian – that’s horse owner for you urban folk – I’ve shopped there for years. And yes, I’ve been known to be perfectly rude when they were out of what I was looking for. But apparently I wasn’t rude enough, because no one’s ever sent me a plastic cock.

Mr. Polnicky wasn’t real happy with the gift, which arrived in the mail months after he’d all but forgotten his altercation in the store.

Read on…

An article on Gawker.com describes his reaction.

“Inside was an 8-inch dildo with the words ‘Ralph is a Dick,’ ‘From the Tractor Supply,” and ‘Don’t Come Back,’ scribbled on the sides. My wife was, just, ‘Oh my God! What.. who is this? What do they want? What are they going to do next,?” Polnicky recalled.

There’s no way to know, but if I were the wife of a man who’d just gotten a threatening latex cock complete with veins and ridges, I’d be like, “Hey honey what you say we take this baby in the bedroom and scrub those insults off the hard way?”

But maybe that’s just me.

Mr. and Mrs. Polnicky, you scare too easily. There are far more frightening dildos out there, and it could have been worse. What if you’d gotten this one? It looks a lot like a cactus. I really hope those spines are flexible.

Isn’t that a lot more intimidating than a regular penis? I think so. And if someone really wanted to ratchet up the intimidation, there’s always the Death By Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator. Yes, you read that right. Just the sight of this thing is enough to make me want to cross my legs. Forever. And the product description doesn’t help.

According to the manufacturer, the “precise tip allows for pinpoint stimulation for your sensitive spots, making the Scorpion suitable for clitoral stimulation and shallow insertion.”Let it be noted that  “Shallow insertion” and “scorpion” are three words that should never be in the same sentence.

Oh, did I mention that the “Scorpion” comes in a box shaped like a coffin.

That certainly would have been scary, but on the other hand it would be hard to write “Ralph is a Dick” on a scorpion, even a ten-speed one. And in their defense, Tractor Supply is a farm supply store, not a gothic head shop. But they still could have been traditional and creative.

If only they’d sent Polnicky a Cornbrator it would have been game over. Nothing screams, “Hey, Country Boy!” like a vibrating corncob in homoerotic packaging  And there’s plenty of room for insults.

And who knows, Mrs. Polnicky may find this one more to her liking. Creamed corn, anyone? Nah, I didn’t think so…