Don’t you hate it when you’re teased into thinking a story about some sort of sex scandal is going to be filled with enough drama to last you all week, only to find out all the truly juicy details have been held back?
No, I’m not talking about the Mueller report, I’m talking about Jana Kramer’s revelation that her husband, Mike Caussin, had a “massive relapse” in his sex addiction recovery. What was that massive relapse, you ask? Well, Calico is stuck asking the same thing, because just when it seemed like Jana was about to spill the entire pot of spicy, drama-filled pinto beans, she cut herself off and revealed essentially nothing at all.
Not to be deterred from a deeper understanding of Mike’s massive sex addiction relapse, Calico has methodically deconstructed Jana’s comments, delved into the mystery of the “three-step circle system for addiction” and employed her nigh-supernatural intuition to determine what, exactly, Mike did. Read all about it in her latest post, “So, What DID Mike Do, Jana?
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples
I can’t stand it when people tease a story about a scandal, especially a sex scandal, but then come up woefully short of spilling the full pot of beans.
Look – if you don’t want everybody up in your private shit, then don’t start to tell us some tantalizing tale, only to cut us off without closure. If I wanted to experience something like that, I’d watch the final episode of The Sopranos again.
The Headline Giveth and the Sub-headline Taketh Away…
The headline of the article which got me all amped-up, only to let me down with an unsatisfying thud is: “Jana Kramer Says Husband Mike Caussin Had a ‘Massive’ Sex Addiction Relapse.”
A “massive” relapse, eh? I must admit, that sounds mighty juicy!
But, as quickly as the headline made me sit up at attention, the sub-headline began the process of me slumping back into my chair.
“The singer alluded to almost catching her husband in the act a year ago.”
Jana “alluded” to “almost catching” him in “the act”? OK, unless this was some spectacular act, I’d say we’re likely on the train to Nothingburgerville, USA, right about now.
“Caussin clarified that there’s been a ‘relapse,’ but ‘no sex outside the marriage,’” the article reports.
“I’m not minimizing cheating because we have other things in Jan and I’s discussion of boundaries that’s cheating,” Caussin evidently added. “But no sex outside of the marriage. I just want people to be clear that there wasn’t any other affair since that moment.”
OK, so whatever this massive relapse was, it didn’t involve any sex outside their marriage. Personally, I’d say cheating on your wife would be where the adjective “massive” would come in with such things, but apparently you can have a massive sex addiction relapse without having sex. Who knew?
On the Bright Side, They’re Only Two Circles Short of Being the Olympics!
Jana apparently indicated the relapse in question involved the “three-step circle system for addiction” and said her beau “did something he should not have done that was in a circle that was very red, like, bad and could have been awful.”
“And that was a, you know, a massive relapse,” she added. “Yes, it wasn’t physical out of the marriage, but it was something where the action was basically… it was classic addictive behavior.”
Dude. To paraphrase Seinfeld, Jana, you just yadda-yadda’d the best part!
I’m now trying to picture Mike Caussin’s three-circle diagram. I’m assuming the outer ring of it is filled with constructive, helpful, but ultimately quite dull things, like “go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting” and “write new entry in my diary” and “reflect thoughtfully on my career totals of five receptions in three seasons as a backup tight end in the NFL and how the hell I somehow managed to wind up famous despite that mediocre shit.”
In the center circle, the little red one, I figure there’s seriously problematic items (from the perspective of a sex addict, I mean) like “pay for sex” and “get surreptitious handjob from IHOP waitress” and maybe “strip down naked, pay for private one-on-one chat with camgirl while furiously masturbating to photos of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.”
Why Won’t You Just Meet Me in the Middle? Oh Right: The Middle is Bad, Too
The nature of Mike’s middle circle is more of a mystery to me – mostly because I’m totally unfamiliar with things like 12-step programs, 3-circle diagrams and six-tiered Pyramids of Crippling Perpetual Shame, if indeed that last one is a thing.
Judging by the gambling behavior example I linked to above, I assume Mike’s middle circle is populated with things like “thumbing through the Victoria’s Secret catalog” and “drinking spiked Gatorade” and “sexting my wife dick pics, only to realize I’d accidentally sent the message to Daniel Snyder.”
As I pondered the middle, yellow circle, I remembered something important about what Jana said: What Mike did was “something he should not have done that was in a circle that was very red, like, bad.”
Among other things, this means I don’t have to concern myself with the middle circle, after all, because that’s clearly not where the act in question properly resides.
And this, my friends, is how I reached the clear answer to the question of what lies beneath Jana’s yadda-yadda – the line which connects the dots of her ellipsis, if you will…. And personally, I’m disgusted on behalf of both the cam model and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.