Sex Humor: The Blasphemous Jokes Write Themselves!

Sex Humor: The Blasphemous Jokes Write Themselves!

Some jokes, especially sex jokes, can only come about through the personal experiences of those who tell them. Sure, a comedian can make up a funny story from scratch, but the best stories like those come from real life experiences, giving the story/joke an authentic touch it wouldn’t otherwise have.

Other times, jokes almost literally write themselves, they’re so inherent to the circumstances we find ourselves — or others — in. Take a story recently related by a young TikTok user, who tells the story of how she got pregnant over five years ago… without having penetrative sex.

The potential one-liners and jokes about this situation are legion, obviously. But once you hear the nickname the young woman’s friends bestowed upon her, you’ll probably agree with Calico that there’s one particular direction those jokes are just begging to head in.

What sort of jokes have written themselves in Calico’s head in response to this TikTok mom’s self-reported “miracle” pregnancy? Find out in her latest post, “The Blasphemous Jokes Write Themselves!”

-by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Indie Porn Movies For Women and Couples

Read on...

For the four years I worked alongside him at a software company long ago, my old friend Patrick would come in beaming around Easter, each year. Easter, you see, was occasion for Patrick to tell what he described as his “favorite sacrilegious joke” – which goes like this:

Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?

A: Because he forgot his safe word.

Patrick’s favorite part of the joke is what the reaction of the listener tells you about that person. One of the salespeople at the company just stared back blankly for a few seconds before asking “What’s a safe word?”, for example. This led to Patrick turning to me with a broad grin on his face and exclaiming: “Ah, how sweet – we have an innocent in our midst!”

Others at the company would shake their heads in mild disgust. The company’s vice president, Kevin, gave the most satisfying response: A vigorous knee-slap and loud guffaw, followed by immediately picking up the phone. 

“Hold on, I gotta tell my brother this one,” Kevin said. “He’s gonna shit himself from giggling too much.”

They Sure Didn’t Cover This in Sex Ed –Not Back in the 70s, At Least

It’s nowhere near Easter as I write this, which may make you wonder why I just related the story above. The answer is a headline and article I stumbled across this week, which proclaims “TikTok’s ‘real-life Virgin Mary’ claims she got pregnant without having penetrative sex. Here’s how that could happen.”

Most people probably don’t realize it’s possible (although highly unlikely) to get pregnant without having penetrative sex – even without involving a fertility clinic and their test tubes.

As Dr. Alyssa Dweck, an OBGYN in New York interviewed in the Insider piece explained, getting pregnant only requires “takes one good swimmer” among a man’s sperm to get a woman pregnant.

“My suspicion is that there was ‘penis-vagina contact’ and even the slightest penetration even at the vaginal opening and or exposure to pre-ejaculate can lead to pregnancy,” Dweck said. “This comes as a surprise to many.”

Yeah – and nobody is more surprised than the woman who gets pregnant in such a circumstance, I’d wager.

How Did a Virgin Get Pregnant? It’s Hard to Put a Finger On It…

Anyway, the reason this article got me thinking about blasphemous jokes is that with a fact set like this, such jokes just about literally write themselves.

For starters, friends of Samantha Lynn Isabel, the young woman this happened to, have taking to calling her “Virgin Mary.” And then you add on the fact that Samantha speculates that the pregnancy resulting from her and her boyfriend touching each other’s genitals – which, again, may seem unlikely, but isn’t impossible.

“Sperm has to get into a vagina in order for pregnancy to happen,” Gynecologist Dr. Jennifer Lincoln told Buzzfeed for their article about the Tik Tok Virgin Mary. “It doesn’t matter what puts it there — whether it’s a penis, finger, turkey baster, you name it — but once it’s there, it can travel through the cervix, into the uterus, and rendezvous with an egg in the fallopian tube and fertilize it.”

“With fingering, if some semen is on the fingers that touch or enter a vagina, the amount is likely lower than with penetrative sex,” Lincoln added. “But like I’ve said before, it only takes one sperm that’s in the right place at the right time!” 

A New Spin on the New Testament

I figure some of the more sick-minded readers among you know where I’m going with this by now – which is to say that we’ve happened upon the explanation for the Virgin Birth: Clearly, it was a finger-bang-driven miracle!

This makes sense to me for several reasons. First, carpenters are good with their hands, so it’s no wonder ol’ Joseph would employ manual stimulation during foreplay. Second, while a lot of folks don’t like to acknowledge it, the best historical information available on Jesus suggests he had older siblings – and who wants to raise so many kids on a classic-era carpenter’s salary? So, with no reliable birth control methods handy, Mary and Joseph thought limiting their dalliances to foreplay would be safe. Little did they know!

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