Lost – Err, Make That ‘Lust’ – In Space

Sex In Space Humor – Lost – Err, Make That ‘Lust’ – In Space

While some people may think it’s a waste of money, time and resources, the kind of space exploration done by NASA and its equivalents in other countries is an important, knowledge-gaining, answer-producing activity. If it weren’t for sending people to the moon, for example, we’d never have proven that it isn’t really made of cheese!

Strangely though, there’s an important area of space-knowledge that NASA and its ilk don’t seem keen to gather: The question of whether humans can have sex in space, and if so, how we should go about doing it.

This isn’t some mere salacious curiosity, particularly for people who have concluded the only way the human race can survive in the long term is to strike out into the universe in search of other planets we can inhabit, pollute and ultimately destroy, before moving on to the next planet, like the host of intergalactic locusts we aspire to be.

What does Calico make of all this space-sex talk? Would an alien woman every truly be desperate enough to have sex with a man who talks like Captain Kirk? Do alien births necessarily involve having the baby burst out of your chest — and if so, does my insurance cover that?

These and many other questions likely aren’t answered in Calico’s latest post, “Lost – Er, Make That ‘Lust’ – In Space,” but you should read it anyway, just in case. 

sex in space

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn Movies For Women and Couples

As anyone who has ever watched Cosmos (be it the original or the reboot) can tell you, outer space is very mysterious place. While we’re told it’s “infinite,” we’re also told it is constantly expanding – and has been doing so for billions of years.

Evidently, for people who are smarter and better educated than I am, these notions do not seem contradictory at all. Still, no matter how many times someone gives me the raisin cake analogy, or the rubber sheet analogy, or whatever the hell this guy is talking about, I still can’t wrap my head around this whole infinite-but-getting-bigger-all-the-time universe thing.

Which is why instead of talking about whether and how the universe is expanding, I stick to writing about stuff like the ins and outs of having sex in space.

Does NASA Stand for “No Answers on Sex, Assholes”?

While the questions of whether humans can have sex in space – and, if so, how they’d go about doing it without making a sticky mess of their spacesuits – is one that fascinates a lot of people, it turns out it’s NOT something NASA wants to discuss.

As related in a recent article that asks whether technology might one day be able to help “meet astronauts’ intimate needs,” one of the only times a NASA official has said anything about space-sex in a briefing, all he did was move quickly to shut down the conversation.

“We don’t study sexuality in space, and we don’t have any studies ongoing with that,” said Bill Jeffs, spokesperson for NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, back in 2008. “If that’s your specific topic, there’s nothing to discuss.”

OK, then. Clearly there’s no point in talking to Bill Jeffs about sex in space. But as Simon Dubé and Dave Anctil point out in the article linked above, there are lots of practical reasons for us to think about the challenges, logistics and likely required cleaning products involved in having space-sex.

Suppose we send a group of astronauts on a mission to Mars – something that’s a stated goal for several countries right now – it’s a trip that will take at least 150 days, likely longer. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say a lot of people would start to get a little sex-starved in that sort of timeframe; as such, isn’t just responsible and proactive to give some thought to how (and if) having sex would work for those astronauts?

Sci-Fi to the Rescue! (Sort Of)

Thankfully, unlike NASA, people who write sci-fi books and make sci-fi TV shows have thought a lot about sex in space, albeit often in a not particularly realistic way. I mean, I suppose it’s possible random alien women will show up who are willing to have sex with unfamiliar astronauts (or to dance erotically for Captain Kirk’s enjoyment, at least) but I don’t think we should count on that happening.

Based on a quick perusal of various fictional space-sex scenarios, I’d say we needn’t worry too much about bad outcomes. Among other things, removing one’s helmet and other space-friendly clothing isn’t a problem, nor is weightlessness. The biggest risk seems to be that if pregnancy occurs, the baby might eventually come bursting out the chest of the human who births it – or possibly hunt down and kill a beloved character actor.

Ixnay on the Olonizationcay

There is one major concern I have about humans having sex in space – at least if that sex is with each other and not some other species with whom we’re unlikely to be able to reproduce.

“For space exploration and colonization to succeed, we need to overcome taboos, consider human needs and desires and provide concrete, realistic solutions based on science rather than conventional morality,” Dubé and Anctil blithely remark in their article.

Here’s the thing, though: I don’t want humans to succeed in colonizing space.

Why, you might ask?

Frankly, with the way we’ve already fucked up our home planet, I think humans should be regarded as a species which has lost its planet-having privileges. Once we’ve made this planet uninhabitable for ourselves, I think the only decent thing we can do is to die out quietly, leaving the earth in place for whatever rises from the (possibly radioactive) ashes we leave behind.

If we start colonizing space, all we’re going to accomplish is exporting our various habits and hobbies to other galaxies – and before you know it, Centauri parents will be complaining about their kids playing violent video games, or some asshole with pointy ears will be advocating for the abolishment of pornography because it’s “not logical,” or some irritating shit like that. 

In a best-case scenario, maybe we’d stumble across a love-starved race begging to reproduce with earthmen – but then we’d just wind up with hybrid alien-human children, who would doubtlessly be able to communicate telepathically, thereby frustrating their parents’ attempts to monitor their text messages in aid of keeping tabs on them on Space-Prom Night and the like.

You know, on second thought, maybe NASA’s Bill Jeffs was on to something when he shut down the discussion of space sex. After all, we’re still struggling to have good sex here on earth, so maybe we should leave space sex to the experts – by which I mean the Xenomorph, of course.

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