Sex Advice Humor – Did The Lord Happen To Mention Which Vibrators Have The Best Battery Life?

Calico is always on the lookout for sex advice — and not necessarily just good sex advice, because bad sex advice can be pretty funny sometimes.

The most recent pointers Calico has stumbled across come from reality TV personality Jill Duggar Dillard, who seems to favor giving sex advice with a decidedly Christian viewpoint behind it, complete with references to Biblical passages and all sorts of admonishments for other women concerning our wifely duties and obligations.

As it turns out, Jill’s sex advice doesn’t seem to line up very well with Calico’s sex questions, mostly because if Calico is going to refer to ancient texts for sex advice, she’s significantly more likely to turn to the Kamasutra than the Book of Leviticus.

Still, Calico gave Jill’s advice a fair hearing, although she came away with more questions than answers. What kind of questions? Well, one of them is right there in the title of her latest post: “Did The Lord Happen To Mention Which Vibrators Have The Best Battery Life?”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn Movies and Reviews For Women and Couples

Obviously, not all advice is created equal, regardless of the subject to which the advice applies.

For example, if you are seeking guidance on how to fix your car, you’re probably better served posing questions to an experienced mechanic than a small child whose experience with automobiles consists of spending several hours in a car seat and running around in circles making “Vroom-vroom!” noises while holding a toy truck.

Now, to be fair, I’m sure my hypothetical small child isn’t a good analog for the amount of experience Jill Duggar Dillard has with sex – simply because Jill has a couple kids, which strongly suggests she’s had sex at least twice.

Sex is Fun(damentalist)!

As you might have heard, Jill recently penned a post entitled “More Than Sex: How To Love Your Husband.” In the post, Jill starts by noting that she and some other “young wives” got some pointers on marriage from a friend’s mother.

“When my friend’s mom shared her advice with us young wives, she started with a couple Bible verses (Mark 12:30-31 & Luke 10:27),” she wrote.

OK – let’s hold up a second here.

When I clicked through to her post, it was from an article that was called something like “Sex Advice from Jill Duggar Dillard” – or maybe it was “Why You Shouldn’t Take Jill Duggar’s Sex Advice” – but in any event, I was given the impression I was going to be reading sex advice.

But Mark 12:30-31 says: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Wait a minute; just who is Jill advising me to have sex with, exactly? The Lord? My neighbor? The first option strikes me as impossible and the second seems like something my husband would object to – along with my neighbor’s wife!

So… No Headaches Allowed?

Jill also writes that I should “have sex often,” which leans slightly to the obvious side where sex advice nuggets are concerned (assuming you enjoy having sex often, that is), but at least it’s something I can get behind. But then Jill adds: “Let your spouse know that you’re always available.”

Here’s the thing, though – I’m not “always available.” And neither is my husband. And both of those facts are just fine.

Sex isn’t an obligation, Jill – and if you have a favorite Bible passage that says otherwise, good for you. Go ahead and believe and act accordingly, if that’s really what turns your crank, but leave me out of that shit. Seriously.

So, what else ya got?

“Pray and fast for your husband. Ask him how you can pray for him and let him know when you do (e.g. send him text messages &/or write a little note).”

Umm… yeah, no. Next tip, please.

Can We Leave My Parents Out of This, PLEASE?

Jill, let’s cut to the chase here: Do you have any non-Biblical sex advice for me?

“Never allow your husband to think you’re his mother!”

OK – no role-playing, got it. That’s a little harsh, but I can live with it. After all, the last time we role-played, we got caught up arguing about whether my cockney accent was authentic and never got around to the part where we pretended to be ‘shagging in the back of a lorry.’

“Always be grateful and look for ways to praise him directly and in front of others!”

Just to clarify, I’m supposed to do this while we’re having sex, or is this strictly a before/after sex thing? I ask because typically, there aren’t a lot of “others” around while we’re doing the horizontal mambo.

“Remember, your husband is not your dad.”

Jesus, Jill – what is it with you and thinking about your parents while doling out sex advice?

This sex advice has officially gotten way too creepy for me. From now on, I’m only going to read sex advice from reputable sources – like Cosmo.

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