On the Bright Side, Sex Dolls Rarely Start Riots

For some reason, sex and soccer just seem to go together. Whether it’s female fans swooning over the leading man good looks of certain players, porn performers offering sex in celebration of their favorite team’s World Cup victories, or coaches imploring their players to practice celibacy during major competitions, sex and soccer often seem to be joined at the cleat, so to speak. 

This is why Calico is a little surprised to see so much consternation over the latest intersection of sex and soccer — which really boils down to an effort by a certain Korean club to have some team spirit prevail at their home games, even at a match with no fans in attendance.

What did club management do that is garnering so much media attention? How does it stack up to soccer fan misbehavior in the past? Did anyone have their car overturned, their windows broken, or their fans assaulted, as has happened all too often in the past? Learn the answers to these and other questions you never knew you had about soccer, sex and fans in Calico’s new post, “On the Bright Side, Sex Dolls Rarely Start Riots.”

sex doll soccor stadium

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Movies For Women

Where professional sports go, sex is sure to follow – or is it the other way around? Either way, there’s a long and storied history of a connection between sex, soccer, porn and the media. 

This relationship always rears its head around the time of the World Cup. Sometimes, it’s reports about team managers cruelly requiring their players to abstain from sex for the length of the competition. Other times, it’s a porn star promising blowjobs to fans if her nation wins the cup, like Bobbi Eden in 2010, or Marlen Doll’s escalating orgy lengths in response to each of Chile’s victories in the tournament back in 2014. Sometimes the porn performer doesn’t do anything to attract attention to herself at all, but the media still manages to make waves about them simply showing up to watch a match.

Gotta Give Them This Much: They Stayed Standing the Whole Time

Given that we’re experiencing an ongoing pandemic, maybe it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the sex-and-soccer stories turning up in the news these days don’t involve porn stars offering fellatio in celebration of victory, or coaches telling their players to keep it in their shorts for six weeks. Still, it seems like the decision by FC Seoul to populate their stadium seats with sex dolls – or mannequins that are sometimes repurposed as sex dolls, depending on whose claims you believe – caught a lot of people by surprise.

Naturally, because we live in the Age of Apology, FC Seoul offered one of its own – despite their contention that the figures in the stands were mannequins and not sex dolls.

“We would like to apologize to the fans,” the club said in a social media post. “We are very sorry about the supporting mannequins that were placed during the game on May 17. These mannequins may have been made to look and feel like real humans but they are not for sexual use – as confirmed by the manufacturer from the beginning.”

The club added that their intention was “to do something lighthearted in these difficult times.” 

“We will think hard about what we need to do to ensure that something like this never happens again,” the statement added.

RealDolls > Hooligans

Personally, I don’t see what the fuss is all about. Let’s suppose these mannequins were sex dolls; it’s not like they had dicks in mouths under those facemasks. None of them were posed in a way that suggested anything sexual – something that certainly would have been the case if I had been the one who staged the scene. (Seriously: Has anyone who grew up playing with things like Star Wars action figures NOT posed them with Luke bending over in front of Han, or Yoda with his face between Greedo’s legs? Please.)

Plus, how could anyone think sex dolls are more problematic than real soccer fans? Has a sex doll ever turned over your car and set it on fire after a match? Have people ever been trampled by sex dolls who were desperate to get to the very front of the standing-room-only section? Have the home team’s sex doll supporters ever brutally assaulted the other team before it could even take the field?

One Caveat: Beer Sales May Suffer

Don’t get me wrong, there are serious downsides to having a soccer match at which all the fans are inanimate objects of any kind. A sex doll can’t sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” for starters, and if the Kiss Cam lands on a sex doll, it would have to be a very fancy, motor-driven doll with serious artificial intelligence features to respond by kissing the doll in the next seat over. (Granted, the Kiss Cams are probably mothballed right now, to help promote social distancing).

Still, on balance, if I were a professional soccer player given a choice between playing a game attended only by sex dolls and playing one in front of, say, the usual crowd at Old Trafford, I’d take the dolls, any day.

The one group of people I can certainly understand being upset over sex dolls in the seats would be the food and beverage vendors. After all, even if James here looks an alcoholic, my guess is he’ll never order more than a pint or two, even at a tournament match that goes into extra time.

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