Oh Great – Now I Have a Parody of a Berlin Song Stuck in My Head

Throughout her life, Calico has been plagued by an involuntary mental mechanism in which her brain spontaneously comes up with terrible parody lyrics to popular songs matching circumstances she’s in, things other people say and/or things she reads about. The results have been devastating to her mental health — especially when she finds herself humming ABBA melodies while driving down the street to use an ATM.

The latest involuntary parody song to be cooked up by Calico’s brain was inspired by a story out of merry old England — Manchester to be precise – involving a couple who got caught engaging in oral sex inside a busy railway station. The man in the couple is now facing several months in jail, while his lady friend has gone on the lamb.

So, what song has been given the lyric-twisting treatment by Calico’s musically-warped mind? Which singer’s voice is echoing through her head as she envisions the encounter which led to the suckee’s sorry fate? Find out in her latest post, “Oh Great – Now I Have a Parody of a Berlin Song Stuck in My Head.”

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Adult Entertainment for Women and Couples

One of the minor curses which has followed me through my life is the tendency for my brain to spontaneously and involuntarily come up with alternative lyrics to songs I hear.

Over the years, this tendency has hit me with such unwanted in-brain parody jingles such as “Bank Machine” to the tune of ABBA’s “Dancing Queen,” the voice of Edie Gormé belting out “Blame it on the Casanova” instead properly assigning blame to the Bossa Nova and a few other example so unspeakably catchy and awful that I dare not pass them along to you.

Obviously, it doesn’t take much to set off my brain’s auto-parody mechanism. A word that rhymes with something already on my mind, a trip to a location mentioned in some old song – or, most recently, a story about a couple getting in trouble for engaging in oral sex inside Manchester Victoria station.

I’ve Heard of “Taking the Tube” in England, but I Don’t Think This is What They Mean

All it took was reading a few paragraphs of the story and off my brain went into song-parody land, quickly spinning out a set of groan-inducing wordplay to the tune of an old hit song.

But first, before I get to the bad wordplay, let’s dig into the story itself a bit.

“A 47-year-old commuter who was caught having sex with another passenger on a busy railway station concourse was jailed today while his companion is on the run,” reports the Daily Mail.

To be clear, William Batchelor and his now-fugitive companion aren’t in hot water just for the fact that she allegedly blew him in a railway station; they’re also accused of becoming “verbally abusive” to a cop who tried to stop them in their (presumably wet and sloppy) tracks.

“The officer shouted at them to stop and they became verbally abusive to her, and said she was lying in what she saw,” the prosecutor, Robin Lynch, said at a hearing on the matter. “They said she was abusing her power, so she stayed with them until they were arrested.”

Here’s hoping the unidentified woman involved removed Batchelor’s trouser snake from her mouth before becoming verbally abusive – otherwise, ol’ Bill might have bigger problems right now than the 15 weeks he’s about to spend in jail.

See? I Told You it’s Groan-Inducing

So, what’s the song my brain immediately turned to, upon reading these details? Why, Berlin’s “Riding on the Metro,” of course!

But, instead of the correct lyrics becoming stuck in my head along with the borderline-addictive melody, the words running through my head go like:

We’re not alone – but this cop can kiss my ass

And your three-inches will not my uvula pass

I’ll suck you on a Paris train

Until you stiffen and rain

And you standing there, screaming obscenities

I remember staring up at the railway guard

I was hoping she might fuck right off

Sucking on the metro-oh-oh…

Hey, I didn’t say they were good parody lyrics – that’s why earlier I referred to this involuntary mental tendency as a “curse,” after all.

Meanwhile, Back in Court…

While 15 weeks isn’t exactly hard time, it still seems to me like a long stint to serve for… well, having a different sort of “hard time” in a train station, if you catch my drift.

District Judge John Temperly saw things differently, though. To him, this crime clearly was Very Big Deal.

“You and the co-accused were committing a serious sexual offence in full public view and didn’t respond when told to stop,” Temperly said. “You then became verbally abusive to the officer, and both of you were in drink which is a aggravating feature. Custody is inevitable for this offence.”

Wow – who knew being “in drink” was an “aggravating feature”? I guess they take their public sex offenses quite seriously over in Manchester.

Oh no… it’s happening again – only instead of Berlin, this time I’m hearing the voice of Morrisey!

No parody lyrics needed this time, though, because he got it right the first time when he sang “Oh Manchester, so much to answer for…”