New AVN Award Categories I’d Like to See

New AVN Award Categories I’d Like to See

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples.

It’s that time of year again – AVN Award nominations season, when porn producers, directors, stars and studios find out if they’ve made the cut for honors such as Best Actress, Best Art Direction and Best Double Penetration Sex Scene (as opposed to Best Double Penetration Scene Not Involving Sex, I presume).

Many scoff at these AVN awards, mocking them as “wannabe Oscars”, but at least nobody calls them “wannabe Grammies” –because there isn’t one person left on Earth who gives even a tiny little shit about Grammies. Hell, even the fucking Reality Wanted awards have more credibility than the Grammies, at this point.

A lot of people also complain there are too many AVN Award categories, but on this point I couldn’t disagree more; if anything, AVN has been ignoring whole genres of porn for far too long.

Read on…

Where, for example, is the award for Best Site Featuring Primarily Content to which it has No Copyright?

Granted, if AVN were to establish such an award, it would be largely duplicative of previous “Surfer’s Choice” awards, and people within the industry would complain about the category being dominated by tube sites. Still, profligate copyright violation is among the most popular “business models” in the modern adult industry, and these sites deserve some recognition from their peers the producers whose content they have worked so hard to steal.

Staying with the web-side of the adult industry, I also think it’s about damn time we had a category for the Most Egregious Use of Popup and Popunder Ads for LiveJasmin.com.

Look, it’s not a trivial thing to get around the ad-blocking plugins available for Chrome; the intrepid porn-pushers who figure out how it’s done ought to get more than the occasional investigation by the consumer-protection division of the FTC in recognition of their fine work, don’t you think?

In fact, I think the AVN Awards have ignored the adult industry’s IT people for far too long, in general. To rectify this almost unforgiveable snubbing, it’s time for a couple other tech-focused awards to go with the new Popup ads honor: Best Use of Malware on a Porn Site and Most Creative Russian Hacker.

My suggestions thus far reflect an admitted “web bias” on my part, in part because I do almost all my porn consuming online. I haven’t forgotten about the Old Porn School, however: Obviously, new categories are needed for the porn-luddites of the world, too.

I hesitate to suggest it, because the competition for such an industry honor clearly would be fierce, but there’s a manifest need for a Most Pathetic, Despicable, Uncreative Porn-Publicity Stunt category. The only problems with that one will be limiting the number of nominees to less than 50, and deciding what is truly more despicable: Making porn-job offers to alleged murderers, or giving a couple embroiled in a domestic violence controversy the (entirely unsought) opportunity to fuck on film for money.

Of course, no awards show is complete without its Lifetime Achievement-style award, which AVN occasionally offers but desperately needs to expand. Instead of just awarding people for their long careers in the industry, or innovations they might have brought to the table over the years, we need to start acknowledging some of the more remarkable douchebags the industry has counted among its ranks.

For example, how about an In-Prison-for-Lifetime Achievement award to recognize the many porno-pugilistic contributions of John “War Machine” Koppenhaver, or a Batshit Crazy for Lifetime Achievement award for the likes of ex-pornstar Shelley Lubben? (One thing is for sure, they wouldn’t have trouble coming up with nominees for the latter, each and every year….)

Some say adult entertainment award shows are superfluous and irrelevant, but I think all they need is a little creativity, to be a little more reflective of the realities of the modern industry – and to get more granular in detail.

Yes, we already honor the Best Anal Release (thankfully, in context, “Release” refers to the release of the movie, and not one’s bowels) but why not stop and take a moment to acknowledge the Greatest Gapes and Most Righteous Rim-Jobs therein, individually?

Maybe it’s a TV schedule thing, or maybe they just want to leave plenty of time for the comedic stylings of whatever comedian you’ve never heard of is hosting the awards show this year, but personally, I think it’s a shame.

If Hollywood can fill an entire weekend with red carpet walks, candid interviews with actors who aren’t nominated for anything but who look simply fabulous in that dress and self-righteous speeches about weighty social issues the speaker doesn’t remotely comprehend, why can’t the porn industry do the same?

We are the Official Industry of Excess, damn it; it’s about time our awards shows started reflecting that fact, by taking a full week to conduct.

Anything less is just an insult to our fans…. all of whom have long since changed the channel, anyway.