Naked Poker – At Least You Know He Didn’t Have Any Cards Up His Sleeves

By Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

I’m not big on gambling, mostly because I’ve never had much of what some people refer to as “disposable income” – two words which from the perspective of a freelance writer seem totally incompatible when placed in such proximity.

I have played a little penny-ante poker in my time though, and once even overcame my aversion to throwing away money long enough to sit for a couple dozen hands of blackjack at the cheapest table ($2 minimum) I could find during a trip to Las Vegas for one of the big, annual porn trade shows held there.

There is one thing which might make me more willing to drain my bank account whiling away time in a Las Vegas poker room, however: The possibility of being joined by naked men at the table.

Granted, they’d have to be naked men of my choice, not random strangers with pot bellies and bad tattoos, but still, at least in theory this naked poker player thing has serious potential.

Is The Sudden Development Of An Erection Considered A “Tell”?

Flipping around the considerations here for a moment, I suppose I can see a few strategic and tactical negatives to being a naked man at a poker table.

First and foremost, if you get excited about drawing good cards, you might sprout an erection which would cause your more observant opponents to fold in anticipation of your superior hand. I’m told that in the poker business, this sort of thing is called a “tell.”

Of course, men have been known to get erect in response to very little stimulus, so maybe a boner-sporting player would be suspected of untoward interest in a passing cocktail server, rather than having an ace in the hole.

Without Sleeves, It Takes Way More Commitment To Cheat

Speaking of aces in holes, I suppose a naked man would also be less able to hide cards in furtherance of cheating, unless he was particularly committed – and very good with sleight of hand, when it came time to produce the ace.

After all, as unobservant as I may be after downing a few drinks, I’m pretty sure I’d still notice someone sitting next to me pulling something of out his ass – unless the thing he pulled out of his ass was one of those atrocious pickup lines strangers sometimes pull out of their asses when I’m sitting next to them in bars. Those I’ve learned to ignore completely, which is a big step up from the reaction I had to that sort of unwanted come-on back when I was a college student, which was to stab them with the olive-skewering toothpick from my martini.

Maybe He’d Lost Something Other Than His Marbles

To be fair to the naked man who cozied up to the poker table in Vegas, there’s a theory going around he’d lost a prop bet somewhere along the line that evening, and was simply making good on the losing end of that wager.

If that’s the case, I hope whomever he bet against put up something decent, like a nice pile of cash, or an equally embarrassing outcome for them, had they lost. It would be a real shame to find out our naked friend did something truly foolish which led to his naked foray to the poker room, like taking Denver against Philadelphia last Sunday to “cover his spread” (so to speak), or staking the possibility of removing it all on a 5000:1 shot in the Breeders’ Cup.

Of course, it’s always possible this whole naked-man-in-the-poker-room thing was the result of simple misunderstanding of the rules, and this guy was just confused about the order of operations when playing strip poker…