My Post-Election Porn Choices Depend On Who Wins

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women

These days, one of my primary coping mechanisms is Netflix binging. For my money (all $10 a month of it) nothing soothes the soul quite like losing myself in six or seven hours of escapist entertainment. Unfortunately, I don’t think this approach will work as a response to the outcome of the presidential election, an event for which I’m going to need stronger medicine.

Accordingly, I figure a nice, long porn-and-masturbation binge is my ticket to escape the election blues. The only real question is what I should watch in response to which candidate prevailing.

Read on…

You Can’t Spell ‘Facial’ Without CIA

The least likely victor of those who are actually listed on any state’s ballot has to be Evan McMullin, who polls between 1-2% nationally, but has reached parity with the major party candidates in Utah.

The former CIA officer is more like a traditional Republican candidate than the party’s current standard-bearer – by which I mean he’s pro-life, pro-Second Amendment and while he probably has groped a woman or two at some point in his life, he has at least been smart enough not to have boasted about doing such on a live microphone.

If by some strange chance McMullin were to win, something which will only happen if the election ends up being kicked to the House of Representatives by way of neither major party candidate reaching 270 electoral votes, in homage to McMullin’s background in the extraordinary rendition-happy CIA, I’ll spend an afternoon or two seeking out and watching severe BDSM videos.

To be honest, I don’t really go for BDSM, but if I’m ever going to develop an understanding of McMullin as our new Commander in Chief, I need to understand this whole “gray area” notion of his, wherein virtually drowning someone who is lashed to a wooden plank at the time isn’t quite “torture,” but something we “need” to use. This is not really the same thing as being against torture, but I guess it’s better than openly calling for the murder of people who happen to be related to other people who we consider terrorists.

Blue Movies For A Green Candidate

The next least likely winner is Dr. Jill Stein, the Green Party nominee. Truth be told, I actually kind of like a fair portion of her platform, but I also can’t help thinking the average high school football team has a better chance of beating the New England Patriots than Stein has of capturing the White House.

Should Stein pull off the biggest political upset in the recent history of democracy, though, I’ll be neck-deep in green porn. No, that green porn, or this Green porn, but the kind of green porn that’s environmentally sensitive and full of attractive long-haired hippy guys, or from which the profits are donated to environmental causes.

What’s that you say? The latter kind of green porn doesn’t exist? Ridiculous! This is the internet, where every kind of porn exists.

For A Libertarian, I’ll Go Libertine

The minor party candidate polling the best in advance of Election Day is, of course, Gary “What’s An Aleppo?” Johnson, the pot-smoking, bike-riding, mountain-climbing former Governor of New Mexico who captured the Libertarian nomination.

Seeing as how Johnson is generally opposed to regulation of businesses, my inclination if he secures victory is to look up the studios which have been cited for violating California’s laws requiring the use of condoms in porn and binge on the works which got them in trouble. After that, I’ll fire up a joint the size of Santa Fe and smoke until I (ideally) forget there even was an election in 2016.

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And For Our Main Event Of The Evening….

Let’s face it; whether we like it or not, our next President is going to be either Hillary Clinton or Richard Nixon.

Yes, I know his name isn’t really Richard Nixon, but his entire “law and order President” platform is, and referring to him thus allows me to keep a promise I made to myself about not uttering the actual name of the Great Orange Philanderer (GOP) nominee.

Assuming Hillary wins, I’m going to watch a bunch of “gay-for-pay” titles. I’ll admit, my reason for choosing this genre here isn’t the greatest, but it does rhyme with “pay to play,” which is what some of Clinton’s critics accuse her of engaging in while Secretary of State. Either that, or I’ll dig deep into the recesses of the internet to find some Libyan amateur porn.

And finally, what to watch if the GOP nominee wins? Oh, that’s easy: Hour after hour of pegging videos.