Humor: I Might be Moving to Montana Soon For the Free Sex Toys

I Might be Moving to Montana Soon For the Free Sex Toys

In part because the U.S. is a great big country and a lot of its residents never make it to all 50 states, there are some states like Montana that get a raw deal in the popular imagination. As a resident of Arizona, which a lot of people seem to think is nothing but scorpions, sunburn and the Grand Canyon, Calico is sympathetic to these oft-mocked and misunderstood states.

Take Montana, for example — most people probably can’t tell you two things about the place, but they’re happy to make fun of it as a backwater, middle of nowhere hole in the ground anyway. They don’t realize what a beautiful spot it is, filled with gorgeous national parks and unspoiled wilds.

Montana is also, Calico recently learned, home to a businessman with a vision to unite America — right and left, red and blue, Republican and Democrat — in a massive, nationwide, nonpartisan effort to share in something truly wonderful.

Calico finds herself so inspired by this man’s vision, she’s now considering something almost unthinkable — relocating from Arizona, her beloved home state.

What has so captivated Calico’s imagination she’s thinking about pulling up stakes and heading for the Treasure State? Is she planning on divorcing her husband and marrying a Mountain Man? What does any of this have to do with dental floss? Find out in her latest post, “I Might be Moving to Montana Soon.” 

– Calico Rudasill, Adult Entertainment Movies for Women and Couples

montana unabomber cabin

Read On…

Montana is one of several states that people from elsewhere in the country like to joke about, despite often not knowing the first thing about it. (Admittedly, I’m not innocent of this sort of mean-and-ignorant quip myself, with respect to a great many places around the globe.)

In the minds of many people, Montana is something of a wasteland, filled with grizzly bears, a ton of minerals and precious stones and maybe the occasional famous cowboy.

There’s a lot more to Montana than bears, rocks and cowboys, though – including the spectacular Glacier National Park (which is right up there with Denali in terms of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been), the north and northeastern entrances to Yellowstone National Park and, last but certainly not least, Charlie B’s on Higgins in Missoula.

Bozeman Montana is Abuzz!

There’s another thing in Montana of which I was totally unaware until today though – and it may have just tipped the scales toward me making an immediate visit to the Treasure State, possibly even a permanent relocation. 

I’m speaking, of course, of “Erotique”, an adult shop in Bozeman.

Huh? You may say to yourself. Don’t they have adult shops in Arizona, too?

Yes, we do have adult shops in Arizona, some of which might even be open right now to appropriately masked and socially distanced shoppers. But what we don’t have, so far as I’m aware, is an adult shop that’s giving away vibrators to women who vote.

erotique adult store bozman mt

In a Country Divided by Politics, a Montana Simple Plan to Unite People

I’m not toying with the idea of a Montana trip just so I can wrap my hands around a free bullet vibrator – particularly one that costs less than $15 to begin with. I’m considering making that trip so I can buy something at Erotique, the adult shop in question, to show my appreciation for a bit of bad-wordplay-marketing on the part of Billy McWilliams, the man who runs it, in relating the reasoning behind his idea for the “Great American Orgasm.”

“It’s not a Republican orgasm or a Democrat orgasm,” McWilliams explained. “it’s an American orgasm. Someone has to help us come together.”

Well played, Billy. Well played.

I also appreciate the sheer scope of this giveaway. It’s not like McWilliams is just handing out a half dozen of these things and telling the rest of his clientele “sorry, too late” after all; he’s handing out up to 2,200 of these voter-vibes. 

If you think about it, a lot of political opinion polls have around that many respondents, so McWilliams is about to hand out vibrators to good size representative sample, albeit not exactly a randomly selected one.

Just Me and the Pygmy Pony…

McWilliams says he’s already mailed out 400 of the vibrators (which are accompanied by sticker that reads “I came and I voted”) so I suppose if I was determined to get in on the giveaway, I’d need to be working out my itinerary right now. But since my real purpose is just to show some support for McWilliams and his vision of a mass, nonpartisan orgasm, there’s no rush. 

And of course, if I do make this vibrating, patriotic pilgrimage to Bozeman, that won’t be the only thing I do in Montana while I’m there. No, to make the trip well worth my while, I’ll be taking in some of the sights I missed during my previous visit – like the Museum of the Rockies, Lewis and Clark Caverns – and of course, the Garden of 1000 Buddhas.

Why the Garden of 1000 Buddhas? Because if you’re going to go look at an enormous number of Buddha statues, why wouldn’t you want to do so on a Native American Reservation in Montana? It just makes sense.

Naturally, there’s one final reason why relocating to Big Sky Country has always appealed to me: The famously great opportunities the state presents to aspiring dental floss magnates like myself.


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