by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Ever since I was a small child, I’ve been slightly envious of people who wind up with interesting stories to tell strictly by happenstance. Most of my interesting stories, by contrast, stem from incredibly dumb things I’ve done and for which I’m clearly and solely responsible, leaving me no means of presenting myself as a hapless victim of fate.
This might seem strange, but sometimes I’m even envious of people for whom product purchases have gone wrong. I’m not talking about irritating mistakes, like the time a major online retailer shipped me several bottles of skin cream instead of the shampoo I’d ordered; I’m talking about people buying things like devices, tablets, smartphones or game systems which appear to have come pre-loaded with porn.
Some People Just Don’t Know How To Accept A Gift Gracefully
While the article linked above is from several years ago, similar things continue to happen from time to time, with one of the most recent examples being a septuagenarian in England who was given a loaner LG phone while she waited for her Samsung to be fixed by the UK telecom EE, on which she discovered a video which gave her “a terrible shock.”
“At first all you see is his nose,” explained the awesomely-named Kay Clash of Birmingham. “But then the camera drops down to his privates to something sticking out a lot more.”
As always, this chance encounter with video of a well-endowed man seems to have been wasted on someone who apparently doesn’t like this sort of spontaneity being thrust into her life.
“Frankly, I have never seen anything like it,” Clash added. “It made my eyes pop out. I almost fainted. It was a terrible shock. I’ve shown some of my friends and they can’t believe it either.”
Seeing as how Clash is identified as a “gran,” assuming this is meant to be taken literally, I’m going to further assume she has seen something like a naked man with an erect penis before, unless she and her ex took precautions to avoid looking at each other during sex. Perhaps the process involved a hole cut in a bedsheet?
I Buy Stuff All The Time; Where’s My Surprise Porn?
While I’m not one of those people who runs out to purchase the latest model of every device I own, I do regularly buy things on which porn could be stored, from peripheral computer hardware and photographic equipment to thumb drives and handheld gaming units.
I’m sorry – and more than a bit frustrated – to report that in all these purchases, spread over several decades, not once have I found surprise porn, even on the used or refurbished devices I’ve picked up.
You’d think, if nothing else, the bedrock principle of the lattice of coincidence would dictate an encounter with at least a few wayward pixels of smut, if for no other reason than my longtime association with the adult industry. But noooo, there will be no spontaneous erotica discoveries for Calico, evidently, despite the fact nobody would appreciate such a change of pace more than me.
Or maybe it’s precisely because I would appreciate it that this sort of thing never happens to me?
Maybe I’m trying too hard to force it, when I need to do is just relax and let the Radio Shack gods work their magic?
I’m reflexively inclined to reject such magic thinking, but maybe a little smut-superstition is exactly what I need to break free from my surprise-porn rut. But what sort of ritual should I adopt to encourage a change in my erotic fortunes?
I could go baseball with it and never wash my favorite hat, but I’m fairly certain you’re not supposed to put a fedora in the washing machine anyway, so this might not be the right approach. Knocking on wood seems like it might have a sort of ‘thematic connection’ to porn, but I’m worried this might have the unintended effect of giving my husband priapism, and there’s no way I can deal with four hours of him moaning about dick pain before then having to drive him to urgent care.
Oh well, maybe the superstition approach isn’t right for me. This leaves only a rational, probability-based method; buy a couple used smartphones a week until my surreptitious porn ship finally comes in. Sure, it won’t be cheap, but so long as I avoid Samsung products, the number of non-orgasmic explosions involved should be minimal.
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