COVID Humor: “Not Tonight I Have a Headache” Updated for the Modern World

COVID HUMOR – Not Tonight I Have a Headache” Updated for the Modern World

Getting yourself in sync with your partner with a little intimacy and humor is hard enough in normal times, but even more difficult during a pandemic when “social distancing” is the watchword of the day and any sort of intimacy, let alone sexual intimacy, feels risky.

That doesn’t change the fact that we all get unbearable horny at times though — or the fact that our partners are sometimes very much not in the mood when we’re at our horniest.

Maybe there’s a bright side in all this pandemic madness though, a slim silver lining on the COVID cloud, as it were. Maybe, for those who are tired of saying “not tonight honey, I have a headache,” the realities of needing to slow the spread of a virus has provided a new and improved put-off to forestall the pleading of even the most sexually frustrated among us.

On the other hand, there are stories emerging of people so hot to trot, not even the fact that their car happens to be in the parking lot of their local police department is enough to prevent them from getting down to business.

What the heck am I talking about? The answer can be found in Calico’s latest piece, “’Not Tonight I Have a Headache’ Updated for the Modern World”  

covid women headaches humor

by Calico Rudasill, Adult entertainment for Women and Couples

In some ways, it’s a good thing my husband and I are currently “sheltering in place” in different states, hundreds of miles apart. 

Don’t get me wrong; I miss him terribly, worry about he and his parents constantly and absolutely hate the fact there’s only one possibly answer to questions like “who’s turn is it to clean the toilet this week” – but at least we don’t have to confront the quandary of being horny AF on the one hand, but freaked out by the humor many what ifs and dos and don’ts of having sex during a pandemic on the other.

Some Hypotheticals are More Complicated than Others

I the imagine the “Do We or Don’t We?” dilemma even worse right now for couples who already struggle with the problem of having out of sync sex drives and regularly find themselves in a situation where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t, even when the world around them doesn’t feel like it’s a reboot of Outbreak.

The Psychology Today article linked above gives a couple hypotheticals, like “you’re feeling turned on and start to initiate sex with your partner, but they roll over and tell you they just want to go to sleep” and “you’re sitting on the couch relaxing, immersed in your favorite show, when your partner gives you that look, and you think to yourself, ‘Not now!’”

Yes, those are tough spots for our hypothetical selves to wind up, but I can think of worse pickles. 

For example, let’s say your partner is a fellow who works for an oil company that extracts its oil by way of fracking. You may well find yourself eager to do the horizontal mambo with someone who says: “Not tonight honey; all that fracking may have rendered me infertile and I’m feeling a bit blue about it right now.”

Or how about if you’re driving your partner to perform her court-mandated community service and she really wants to do some meth, smoke some weed and have sex in the parking lot of the local police department beforehand? What then? Humor?

Not Tonight Honey, I’ve Got… Uh, Pandemic-Induced Erectile Dysfunction?

To me, situations like the one Paula Garner and James Sanders of Center Point, Alabama, the couple now charged with possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and indecent exposure (with a charge of felon in possession of a firearm just for James, to boot) found themselves in are tailor-made for the very topical let’s-not-have-sex-right-now excuse of “not tonight, honey, there’s a pandemic.”

(I’m going to stop here for a moment to parenthetically concede the point that it’s most likely both Paula and James were feeling uncontrollably horny in the moment they decided to get high and knock boots in the parking lot of the police department. I’m just asking you to grant me the ‘poetic license’ to fictionalize their story while indulging in some good old suspension of disbelief yourself, or else this post just isn’t going to work out.)

I mean, really, how unreasonable would Paula have to be to get upset at James if he’d said “You know, darling, as much as I’d normally be on board with the idea of doing illicit drugs and banging in the parking lot of the Brookside PD, maybe we should hold off until all this social distancing stuff has resolved and stick to fucking at home for now, instead?”

Let’s Keep This Simple: For Now, Stick to Humor and Masturbation

In terms of serious sex advice, various public health organizations have released guidelines concerning sex during the COVID-19 pandemic, including these guidelines from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene.

The NYC Health guidelines are more detailed than my summary – which is: “Consider just sticking to masturbation for now, folks.” Sure, it’s true that if you’re living with your partner, you’re already very likely to contract anything they might be ailing from, but having sex with someone sure as hell counts as having “close contact” with them, no matter how much you wash your hands before and after the encounter.

Oh – and while the NYC health guidelines don’t cover the question explicitly, I’m reasonably certain that if you were to ask one of their medical experts, that person would add to the list “Don’t have sex in your car outside a police station, especially right after smoking weed and/or meth.”

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