The end of the year is upon us, which means people will soon be pretending to enjoy drinking champagne, asking whether auld acquaintance should be forgot and watching celebrities on TV count backwards from 10 while a big disco ball descends from the sky.
It’s also the time of year when journalists, bloggers and other lazy people make lists of things like “Top Ten News Stories of the Year” or “Top 12 Celebrity Scandals of the Year” or “Top 2300 Things We Wish Our President Hadn’t Tweeted This Year” or what have you.
Call it ‘FOMO’ if you like, but Calico isn’t about to be left out of the fun of all this year-end list-making. She’s got a list of her own, and it includes everything from aliens and ghosts to inept criminals with odd preferences in places to sleep. See who and what made the list in her latest post, “Calico’s Top Ten Sex-Related Stories of 2018”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Well, it’s the end of the year again, and you know what that means: A whole new set of stupid televised countdowns to the beginning of next year.
That’s not all the end of the year means, though. It also means it’s time for lazy-ass journalists, pundits and bloggers like me to whip out their annual Top 10 lists – like 10 news stories that gripped the world in 2018 or the National Religious Broadcasters’ Top 10 Stories of 2018, or the Top 12 Baked Ham Recipes.
Wait – scratch that last one. Not only is it off-theme for this end of year post, there’s also nothing dumb about a good recipe for baked ham.
By the Way, “Top” Doesn’t Mean “Good”
Before getting into my list, I want to be clear about something: When I say something is one of the “top” stories of the year, I don’t mean it is any way a good story. I just mean it was one of my favorite stories of the year – and by now, you should realize I like a lot of stuff which is poorly written, communicates awful things and/or involves bad things happening to terrible people.
With that caveat in mind, let’s start with….
#10: Sex Boxes in Strichplatz
OK, I’ll admit it: I mostly like this story because it gives me the chance to write “Strichplatz,” which sounds a little like it might be Swiss for “an ostrich wearing jeans that are too tight.”
I also like this story because it’s just so European. I mean, can you imagine any American city declaring that sex boxes into which prostitutes could legally take clients were needed to “improve the working conditions of sex workers – their health, physical and mental integrity”?
Yeah, me neither.
#9: Research Cancelled Due to Too Many Dick Pics
As someone who has received a few unsolicited dick pics in her time (including one from a male friend who thought he was drunk-texting his girlfriend), I don’t mean to suggest there’s anything funny about random dudes sending pics of their junk to women.
There is, however, something funny about a college professor soliciting dick pics, then shutting down the research project that request stemmed from, after receiving an absolute deluge of cock shots. (Sorry not sorry, Prof. Walker.)
#8: The Secret of On-Screen Sex Sound Effects
I mean come on – what’s not to love about a story that reveals some sex-sounds heard in movies and TV shows are made by guys fisting big jars of mayonnaise?
#7: The Mystery “Inanimate Object”
Canal Winchester’s Derek Peele was arrested for “having sex with an inanimate object in his driveway” – but what kind of inanimate object?
#6: The Artist Formerly Known as “Young Thug”
Honestly, if my name were “Jeffrey Lamar Williams,” I’d just stick to asking people to call me “Jeff.” But, once I’d made the decision to change my name to “Young Thug,” I think I’d be keen to change my name before long, too.
Would I change my name to “SEX” though? I’m sort of on the fence on this one. But on the bright side, it does sound better than simply appending sex to his existing name. To me, “Young Thug SEX” sounds a bit too much like a gay porn video clip description on one of the internet’s less scrupulous free porn sites…
#5: File Under “Things I Didn’t Need to Know about Fruit Flies”
It appears the world’s scientists may be running out of subjects truly worthy of their careful, systematic study.
How can I say such a thing? Well, once a research team finds itself resorting to figuring out how to make a fruit fly cum…
#4: ‘Til Death Do Us… Hmmm. Never Mind
In the two months since I read about this British woman who planned to marry a ghost, I’ve still never decided what my favorite part of the story is.
First, there’s her name “Amethyst Realm,” which sounds like something a Renaissance fair employee would call herself, if she were just a little flakier. Then there’s the fact the ghost not only allegedly proposed to her while they were in a cave, but in a cave called “Wookey Hole,” which, despite its spelling, made me picture Chewbacca in a tuxedo, presumably in preparation to serve as the ghost’s Best Man.
Finally, there’s this quote: “I was happy and excited – so excited that we had to do something about it. So, we headed to the plane loo and, well, I am now a member of the Mile-High Club.”
As many of Amethyst’s countrymen are prone to saying… Brilliant!
#3: Sounds Great – But Did He Propose to You in a Wookey Hole?
Some people say sex with a ghost is the best sex (especially when you’re on an airplane, evidently), but others say if you want sex which is truly “out of this world,” then you’ve got to find yourself an extraterrestrial sex partner.
“In his book Communion, Whitley Strieber famously described being abducted by aliens who inserted a 1ft (0.3m)-long anal probe inside him. It seemed to be a living entity, so when it was taken out he was surprised to see it was a mechanical device.”
Oh, those sneaky aliens. One minute you think you’re getting a pleasant ass-fuck from a massive extraterrestrial penis, the next you realize your primary care doctor referred you to a rather aggressive alien proctologist without mentioning it!
#2: Isaac Asimov Tried to Warn Us, But Did We Listen? Nooooo
While a lot of the people opposed to the idea of sex robots concern themselves with ethical and moral issues, I’m a lot more concerned with practical considerations – like the prospect of hackers taking control of my sex robot and turning him into 220 pounds of knife-wielding personal assistant gone terribly, terribly wrong.
Don’t worry, though; scientists have a plan.
“The possible clinical and societal benefits of neurotechnologies are vast,” wrote one research team quoted in the Newsweek piece linked above. “To reap them, we must guide their development in a way that respects, protects and enables what is best in humanity.”
Come to think of it, that sounds like a good set of goals to adhere to when raising a human child, too.
#1: The Frosted Flakes Porn Bandit
It wasn’t easy choosing my favorite sex-related story of the year, but this one simply has everything – including breaking and entering, drunkenness, passing out inside porn shops and unsanctioned eating of a third party’s breakfast cereal.
The good news is, for all the strange criminal choices the Frosted Flakes Porn Bandit made on that presumably boggy Ohio summer night, at least he didn’t do anyone physical harm.
“Didn’t harm them, touch them, anything like that,” said Sylvania Police Chief Paul Long. “At this point we’re not sure if there was any property missing, but obviously a very unusual circumstance.”
It certainly was a “very unusual circumstance” – and now it’s Calico’s #1 Sex-Related Story of 2018. Wear the title with pride, Frosted Flakes Porn Bandit!
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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