Most of the time, there’s nothing at all funny about a story of someone’s home being broken into. But, thanks to the unintentionally comic ingenuity of some criminals, every once in a while you’ll come across a story of a break-in which yields more mirth than alarm.
There’s a recent story out of Ohio which qualifies as one of those funnier-than-they-are-scary crime tales. It involves a guy whose only theft was that of crunchy, sugary corn flakes. And before you condemn him for eating them without asking, bear in mind he was probably really, really hungry — and extremely sleepy too, considering he’d just been rudely awoken from a nap he was taking inside a video viewing booth at a nearby porn shop.
Read all about the saga of the Frosted Flakes Bandit in Calico’s latest post, “A Break-In Story Which is Truly Gr-r-reat!”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Where would this world be without dumb, incompetent and/or hapless criminals?
OK, so strictly speaking the world would probably be a much better place if it was entirely criminal-free. But since a criminal-free world probably isn’t possible, at least inept criminals give us loads of hilarious news stories, facepalm-worthy security camera footage and jaw-dropping trial transcripts for our amusement.
Did He Smell The Milk First, At Least?
Ordinarily, I’d say there’s nothing funny about a woman waking up in the middle of the night to discover there’s an intruder in her bedroom.
But when that intruder who is in her bedroom benignly says hello, then leaves the bedroom without incident upon being told to get out, only to then be rediscovered in her kitchen eating Frosted Flakes, the story’s funny kinda starts to overshadow its creepy.
“They startled him, and they hollered at him and he went into the kitchen and they discovered he was sitting in their kitchen eating Frosted Flakes,” explained Sylvania Police Chief Paul Long.
It’s not clear what the man’s motive was for the breaking and entering (and eating) escapade, but I do have a theory: I think he may have been preparing to hop in a kayak and shoot some nearby rapids. Either that, or he was trying to figure out Tony the Tiger’s secret formula and the house had no basement in which to hide.
In any event, at least he didn’t turn out to be a cereal-killer, right?
The man “didn’t harm them, touch them, anything like that,” according to Chief Long.
“At this point we’re not sure if there was any property missing, but obviously a very unusual circumstance,” Chief Long added.
Sir, That Video Booth Is Designed For Masturbating, Not Camping
As it turns out, breaking into the home to have a little breakfast was not the first caper pulled by the Frosted Flakes Bandit on the evening in question.
“Police later were approached by a clerk at Four Star Books adult entertainment store,” reports WTOL.com. “He told police the suspect in first incident matched the description of a man he’d just thrown out of his store because he was drunk and passed out in the viewing booth.”
I just hope the Bandit deposited a couple bucks’ worth of quarters before curling up for his surreptitious video booth nap. After all, while I can sympathize with the sudden need to take a nap when one is both a wee tipsy and quite sleepy (I think “drunk” and “passed out” are both too harsh and speculative to use as descriptors here), brick and mortar adult stores have enough trouble turning a profit without guys crashing out in their video booths.
Seriously guys, any time you simply must catch a few Zs in an environment which smells like dried-up semen, give the nation’s underpaid, underappreciated porn store clerks a break and find a fraternity house which doesn’t mind serving as an impromptu dude hostel.
See Something, Say Something Take Pics
Noting that the front door to the home invaded by the Frosted Flakes Bandit was unlocked at the time of the incident, Chief Long reminded people of the importance of locking up, even when you’re at home – and encouraged residents of his jurisdiction to keep an eye out for trouble on each other’s behalf.
“The neighbors are the ones who know what belongs in their neighborhood and what doesn’t, what’s out of place,” Chief Long said. “The old ‘see something, say something,’ really does apply. If you think something’s not right, call. We’ll come out and check it out.”
While I appreciate the wisdom and truth of Chief Long’s words, I would add to them a small request of my own: If what you see is some strange man eating Frosted Flakes in your neighbor’s kitchen, please – for the sake of worldwide netizen amusement – take pics before you dial 911.
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
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