Humor: What’s your home state known for? Its official state bird maybe, or perhaps a particularly glorious natural wonder? How about your state’s favorite sex toy – is that something you’d ever wondered about? If so, good news: There’s a new study based on Google Shopping data which purports to answer the question! In her latest post, Calico looks over this dildo-data with a critical eye, asking the important questions like “why butt plugs?” and “are strap-ons really just for woman-on-woman sex?” and “what the hell is ‘bespoke surgery’ anyway?”
Read all about it in the new post “And I’d Always Thought I Was From The “Grand Canyon” State….”
by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
Growing up, I was always fascinated by things like official state birds, state flowers, nicknames, mottos – basically anything which a state thought was a good point of differentiation separating it from its peers in the broader U.S. of A.
As a native Arizonan, I took a bit of pride in being the Grand Canyon state, because the Grand Canyon is, objectively speaking, simply freaking awesome. I was a little less excited about being the “Copper State,” mostly because the copper mines near where I grew up were as ugly as the Canyon is gorgeous, but I can’t deny the importance of copper in the state’s history.
What I never imagined as a kid was someday having the opportunity to write about Arizona’s reported affinity for vibrators in favor of other pleasure products.
But First, A Few Words About Our Sponsors…
Before continuing with my thoughts about vibrators being Arizona’s favorite pleasure product, I must confess to being momentarily taken aback by the group behind the research which revealed this alleged fact. Perhaps more accurately, what raised my eyebrow to full mast was the name of the organization: “Bespoke Surgical.”
For whatever reason, “bespoke” is a word which comes off my tongue with great resistance and makes me frown just to read. Given its definition and most common modern usage, when combined with “surgical,” it makes this place sound like somewhere patients can go to bring their worst body customization ideas into existence.
“Please graft this rooster’s comb onto the top of my head,” I can imagine some highly committed eccentric saying to his surgeon before his bespoke procedure. “I’m going broke having to maintain my liberty spikes with copious quantities of hair spray.”
As it turns out though, Bespoke Surgical doesn’t do custom surgeries at the whim of its clients. Instead, they offer services like “anal restoration” and “anal rejuvenation” – which are combinations of words which still may make some people cringe, sure, but which certainly make more sense than sewing on extra toes, or adding literal third eyes, or whatever other random customizations might occur to prospective clients.
It Could Be Worse; We Could Be A Butt Plug State
According to Bespoke Surgical, its analysis of Google Shopping search data revealed that the leading searches in many states were fairly conventional, to-be-expected items.
“Dildos were the top toy by total number of states, leading in 15 and vibrators were second,” Bespoke reports. “It seems that for many states, the old mainstays reigned supreme. Sometimes a classic is a classic.”
It was when Bespoke looked at the third most popular items (meaning most popular by the number of states in which they were ranked first) that “things got interesting,” Bespoke says.
“Bondage gear and butt plugs were tied with nine states each,” they say. “Anal sex is becoming more and more popular and in a recent survey that we conducted, around 38% of straight women and 55% of gay men use sex toys to prepare, for pleasure, or both when it comes to anal.”
I’m not sure why things commonly associated with anal sex are “more interesting” than using a dildo (a device which, correct me if I’m wrong, can be used for anal sex), but I suppose if I made my living performing surgeries on people’s buttholes, it would behoove me to find all things anal inherently interesting, if for no other reason than to make my job more tolerable.
Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against butt plugs or those who use them, but all things being equal, I’d prefer my place of domicile to be known as “the butt plug state.” Among other things, it sounds like something my nephew would say as one of those “sick burns” he’s always talking about.
Hold Up; Strap-Ons Aren’t, And Have Never Been, Strictly A Lesbian Thing
Just because this is a silly study which likely isn’t meant to be taken too seriously doesn’t mean I can’t strenuously object to certain elements of the analysis performed by Bespoke. (Hey, everybody is entitled to have their hobbies, right? Faux outrage is one of mine.)
Here’s the part to which I object, with a loud, insistent cyber foot-stomp for the italicized portion: “Another interesting result was for strap-ons. This toy is of course one used by women on other women, but now even heterosexual men are getting in on it, discovering that some backdoor action can be quite pleasurable.”
No, no, no. Pegging is not some new phenomenon. The only thing new about it is that it’s more commonly featured in porn than it used to be, but women fucking men using strap-on dildos goes back decades, at least. Hell, for that matter, pegging is believed to have first been depicted in porn in 1976, in a scene from The Opening of Misty Beethoven.
Wait a minute, I know what’s going on here: Bespoke is trying to drum up more clients by encouraging readers inexperienced in pegging to give it a whirl – preferably with a gargantuan, butt-stretching toy which will leave men in dire need of anal rejuvenation and/or restoration!
On an unrelated note, have I mentioned that another of my hobbies is concocting unlikely conspiracy theories?
Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.