All I Want for Christmas is a Silent Night. Or Month. Or Year

All I Want for Christmas is a Silent Night. Or Month. Or Year

What do you get for Christmas for the woman who already has everything worth under $15 she could ever want — and doesn’t feel comfortable asking for a gift worth more than $15?

Speaking strictly for herself, Calico has some wonderful ideas that would fit the bill, coming it at a full $15 less than $15. The only problem is, she’s not sure it’s feasible for anyone to give her what she wants.

No, it’s not cheap cookware — and no, not even Calico wears shoes that cost less than $15 (other than the one pair she bought at Target in 2006 that don’t fit anymore). It’s not a trinket, tchotchke or toy, nor is it anything you’d find a wise man carrying around on Christmas Eve. 

So, what are these free gifts Calico has in mind? Are they available through Amazon? Are the current disruptions in the supply chain relevant here? Can silence truly be purchased by people who aren’t organized crime figures?

Find out in Calico’s latest post: “All I Want for Christmas is a Silent Night. Or Month. Or Year.”

– Calico Rudasill,


Read On…

Having just returned from my traditional, annual, procrastination-driven last minute Christmas shopping spree, I’m not feeling the Christmas spirit in quite the way I’d like. Instead of being filled with cheer and goodwill towards men, I’m ready to stab in the face the next person who tries to cut in front of me at the checkout line.

Wait; maybe that is the Christmas spirit? It seems to be the Black Friday spirit, at least.

At any rate, a couple of my fellow holiday procrastinators recently asked me what I’d like for Christmas and I struggled to come up with anything at all. Part of the problem is that I’ve never felt comfortable asking anyone other than my husband for a gift that costs more than about $15 – and the other part of the problem is that there’s nothing left for under $15 that I want, unless there’s someone out there who gives very cheap, but still very good, massages.

All I Want for Christmas is….

Joining a long tradition of people who have said they only want one thing for Christmas, including Nat King Cole who oddly just wanted a couple teeth and Mariah Carey who wanted me, apparently, I hereby proclaim the only thing I want for Christmas is for a select group of other people to shut the fuck up for a week or two, or even just a single, glorious ‘silent night,’ if that’s all they can muster. (Hey, I’m desperate here; I’ll take what I can get.)

What follows is not a comprehensive list of people I’d like to hear less from, but it does represent the people I’d most like to hear less from. Please note that I have resisted the temptation to put my mother-in-law on the list, which I’ve decided will be my gift to her this year. 

(Just kidding; you know I love you, Mom 2.0.)

Exodus Cry

I’m not going to link to this organization, or its Twitter, or the Twitter of its main mouthpiece, because their obnoxious, condescending, couched-in-a-good-cause bullshit makes me want to puke in my coffee cup – and this is really good coffee.

If you’re not familiar with Exodus Cry, they’re a Christian organization that wants to eliminate all forms of sex work, but that tends to claim its goal is the eradication of “sex trafficking.” What they don’t tell people is that in their minds, all porn is sex trafficking, as is all exotic dancing – and who knows, maybe all regular dancing, too.

Anyway, I don’t have more to say about or to these people other than “Happy Holidays! Now, please: shut the fuck up.”

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation

The NCOSE is another anti-porn organization, one that likes to pretend it is having all kinds of success in combatting the adult industry. Every time a business makes a decision that involves dropping adult content or programming, the NCOSE leaps up to take credit, whether it’s Roku dropping porn channels nobody ever watches in the first place, or hotels removing adult movies from in-room entertainment that nobody purchases anymore, now that they can all the same stuff for free on the internet – courtesy of the in-room Wifi those same hotels are still happy to provide, often at a cost comparable to ordering a pay-per-view movie.

Seriously, NCOSE: Just stick a sock in it for a couple months. Who knows? You might even rack up more “victories” that way.

Donald Trump

I’ve been sick of hearing from this narcissistic toad since the late 1980s and nothing that has taken place in the intervening 30+ years has made me want to hear more from him. I don’t care if its his ceaseless moaning about an election being ‘stolen’ from him, or his pathetic defense of all the jackasses who took that crap seriously enough that they somehow found themselves fighting cops on the steps of the Capitol Building, I just don’t want to hear it anymore.

Speaking of things Donald Trump says, anybody notice that he never followed through on that much ballyhooed “pledge” to crack down on porn if elected president? Maybe Don doesn’t want to hear anything more from the likes of Exodus Cry, either.

All kidding aside, I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Christmas and lovely holiday season – yes, even if the people reading this include employees of certain anti-porn organizations and former Presidents I have asked to shut up.

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