Mismatched Libidos: What To Do When Your Partner Always Wants Sex
by Symone Neslon at Kinkly.com
Are differing sex drives causing friction in your relationship? When one of you has the drive to go at it three times a day, while the other is satisfied with weekly romps, building and maintaining a sexual relationship that keeps both partners sexually fulfilled and gratified can be difficult. Difficult … but not impossible. Want your sex life to be as satisfying in quantity as it is in quality? Here’s how.
Read on…
Communicate
Communication is the most important tool in any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise. If your sexual needs aren’t being met, discover exactly what needs to change. Then tell your partner and ask him or her the same question. Sounds easy, right? It isn’t. Discussing want you want and need – and listening to the same from your partner – can be a very hard conversation to have. But here’s the thing: If you don’t have it, you will never have truly satisfying sex.
So, here are a few tips to get the conversation going.
- Be Nice!
Sex is a sensitive subject, so it needs to be brought up in a sensitive way. You never want to make your partner feel as if they need to be on the defensive during this discussion. - Highlight the Positives
Rather than starting with “I hate when …” or “You never,” let your partner know that you acknowledge and appreciate the efforts they are making to satisfy you. Then, give them some tips on what they can do to make things feel even better. - Avoid One-Sidedness
Do not allow the discussion to be one-sided. Allow and encourage your partner to add any thoughts they have. Involve them in the discussion by asking them if you are living up to your end as well. Questions around asking how you can better please them will make them feel that your sex life is a team effort, not a blame game. (Get more hot communication tips in Getting Curious: The Surprising Skill for Hot, Fun and Consent-Happy Sex.)
Compromise
Once you’ve talked about what you want, it’s time to move on to compromise. That’s right, compromise. If you want sex once a week and your partner wants it every day, the only way to make both of you happier is to meet in the middle somewhere.
If You’re the One Who Wants More Sex …
If you’re the one with the higher libido, you might feel frustrated and neglected, and maybe even resentful at the rejection you feel when you initiate sex and fail to get any.
If this is you, it’s worth your while to make it your mission to learn everything you can about what turns on and excites your partner the most. Most people don’t get aroused the exact same way. Some of us can get turned on at the drop of a hat while others need a good warm-up session before they are ready to go.Getting the mind aroused is the key to unlocking the body’s arousal. If you can become an expert at arousing your less libidinous partner, you both get to enjoy the reward of more and better sex.
If You’re the One Who Wants Less Sex …
Now, if you’re the partner with the lower libido, you may feel overwhelmed by your partner’s desire for sex. You shouldn’t be! How amazing is it that your partner wants you, needs you, has to have you,
anywhere and everywhere? That’s the kind of passion a lot of people would kill for.
Of course, just because your partner wants you doesn’t mean you have to comply every time. What you can do is help your partner learn how to make the most of the sex drive you have. That means figuring out when you’re most likely to be aroused, what arouses you, and what sort of sex leaves you yearning for more. You should also be open and frank with your partner about how many sexual encounters are reasonable (and pleasurable for you). The more you work together to create the right conditions for good sex, the more likely you are to have it more often. (Want to want more? Find out how in 5 Unexpected Ways to Boost Your Sex Drive.)
Oh, and One More Thing …
We all differ in our sexual likes and dislikes, and in our sex drives, but sometimes there’s more going on. For example, if your sex drive has dropped suddenly and precipitously, you might want to consult a physician, especially if that drop is accompanied by other physical symptoms. Hormonal changes, deficiencies and many kinds of illness can contribute to low sex drive.
Also consider what’s going on in your life and with your health. Hormonal changes from pregnancy, aging, weight loss and gain, menstruation and ovulation, and stress can all raise or lower your desire for sex.
Finally, depression or past traumatic experiences can severely impact libido, and may also require professional intervention. (Learn more in It’s Not You: 4 Signs Your Partner’s Too Depressed to Have Sex.)
No matter where you sex drive falls on the spectrum, if it differs from your partner’s, there are things you can do help you both get the satisfaction you crave. You deserve it!
Symone Neslon is a writer for Kinkly.com.
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