Sex Tips Aspiring Captain Kirks Everywhere Need to Know

Sex Tips Aspiring Captain Kirks Everywhere Need to Know

– Calico Rudasill, EroticScribes.com

Of the many reasons why I’m not eager to go to space, the fact that even the experts haven’t quite sorted out how sex in space would or should work is near the top of the list.

The primary reason I don’t want to go to space, of course, is that I’m an abject coward and leaving Earth, even temporarily, seems rife with personal, physical risk. I don’t even like climbing ladders – and flying out of LAX is only possible for me because Xanax exists. If I ever go to space, it’s going to be as drugged out quasi-corpse locked in a funky, futuristic hibernation chamber of some kind.

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I do think it’s important for someone to figure out how to have sex in space, if for no other reason than to open the door to extraterrestrial porn production, so we can satisfy Rule 34’s implicit demand for space porn shot on location.

And of course, unless we can solve the problem of faster-than-light travel (which, by the way, also sounds kinda dangerous to me), enabling people to have sex in space is probably a necessary component of interstellar colonization, because at the rate we currently fly around, just getting to a nearby planet is going to take longer than the average Peter Jackson film.

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Luckily, people way smarter and more educated than me (of which there are many), who are also less fearful of space travel, are giving a lot of thought to sex in space – even if NASA might prefer that people give less thought to the idea.

Why would NASA, of all agencies, want to discourage people from having sex in space? Aren’t they the ones spending the most time in space, meaning they’d be most attuned to astronauts suffering sexual frustration? 

As explained in the Daily Beast piece linked above, “NASA wants to prevent any possibility of a pregnancy in space.”

Hmm. OK, that’s actually a pretty good point you’ve got there, NASA. As much as I don’t want to be in space in the first place, I really don’t want to be up there craving pickles and ice cream and foot rubs and whatnot.

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Still, if we’re going to probe deep space, looking for hospitable planets for us to colonize and gradually turn into inhospitable planets before moving on to the next place to wreck, like the intergalactic locusts we’re destined to become, someone needs to figure out how we’re going to do the wild thing as we cruise through Canis Major.

Simon Dubé, a sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute whose paper I linked to early in this post, told the Daily Beast that since we know so very little about sex in space, we need to start with the fundamental questions, like: After having space sex, is it rude to make your partner be the one to float near the wet spot?

Wait, no – that is not one of the questions we need to answer. Maybe I should just leave this to Dubé and co. to explain.

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“Dubé suggests that since we know very little about sex in space, we should start at, well, the beginning: with scientific studies on how intimacy and sexuality in space based on astronaut and space tourist experiences.”

Hmm. I sense that sentence might be missing a word or two, but I must concede it’s still more sensible than my wet spot question.

“Dubé and his co-author Maria Santaguida, a PhD candidate in psychology at Concordia University in Montreal, go as far as to advocate for the formation of an ‘intersectoral advisory board’ in which a range of specialists—sexologists, sex tech experts, ethical advisors—could come together to create such a guide for future space inhabitants.”

While I welcome and applaud the idea of the Space Sex Intersectoral Advisory Board (although it does need a catchier name), I think we need to be more realistic in the initial goal that I’ve rendered in bold above. Honestly, just getting a bunch of sexologists, sex tech experts and ethical advisors to team up on a serious scientific inquiry will be challenging enough. Getting them to then orgasm simultaneously can wait until we’ve at least figured out which sexual positions are feasible in a zero-gravity environment, don’t you think?