Brain Sex Power Humor: So THAT’S Why I’m So Smart!

Brain Sex Power Humor: So THAT’S Why I’m So Smart!

Even when our minds aren’t focused on the task of coming up with New Year’s resolutions, self-improvement is something a lot of us pursue — or spend time thinking about how we should pursue it, at least. This fact isn’t lost on people who sell self-help products, peddle advice, or earn their living telling other people what to eat, how to exercise, or what have you.

Let’s say you’re trying to sharpen your mental focus, improve cognitive function, or at least stop misplacing your car keys every time you put them down — if you start looking around for advice on how to accomplish these things, you’ll quickly find yourself bombarded with information on “brain health” and “neuroplasticity” and “MEGA BRAIN POWER PILLS” and so on.

As someone who is always trying to increase her brainpower, so long as doing so doesn’t take effort, cost money, or distract from binge-streaming her favorite fantasy and sci-fi shows, Calico has read all sorts of advice, ranging from what foods to eat to what video games to play. But more recently, Calico discovered the Holy Grail of brain enhancement factoids — a revolutionary bit of research that suggests Calico will continue to get smarter, day by day, without changing her lifestyle at all, other than by doing more often something that she already likes to do every day!

What is this miracle brain-enhancing activity? Does it mean Calico’s husband will need to get in better shaper or face crippling back pain? If she plays her favorite video games at the same time, will Calico’s brain benefits double?

Read all about it in Calico’s latest post, “So THAT’S Why I’m So Smart!” 

– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com

Read on…

The desire for self-improvement is a good and noble thing – and also a thing that people in the self-improvement business occasionally use to play us for suckers. 

For example, let’s say you want to get smarter; some people in the “brain health” business will tell you what you need to do is eat fatty fish, walnuts, avocados, turmeric and several other things that aren’t my favorite flavor of ice cream. 

Of course, those same people might also tell you that you should come to something called a “Brain Health Meeting”, where I’m afraid they’ll reveal they’re secretly Scientologists – and then maybe force feed me a quarter cup of turmeric while proclaiming my husband to be a Suppressive Person.

Eat Yourself Smart

If you’re not into avocados and/or brain meetings, there’s a whole other group of brain health people who are ready, willing and eager to sell you “brain supplements,” also known as “nootropics” – or as those buzz-killing eggheads at Harvard might call them, unproven and largely unregulated products.

To be fair, there is evidence that diets which include a lot of the foods the brain health people recommend can help improve cognitive function, it’s just that it’s “not clear is whether it’s the combination of nutrients in these diets that’s beneficial, or whether it’s specific ones or even certain amounts, or some other factors,” as Dr. Gad Marshall, the associate medical director of Brigham and Women’s Hospital explains in the article linked above.

Either way, dietary recommendations are a tough one for me, because despite everything I know about how I should eat, very little of that information coincides with what I want to eat – so I ignore all of it, habitually, opting instead to diligently pursue easy answers that sound good to me and don’t require me to change my lifestyle at all.

At Long Last: Easy Answers that Sound Good to Me and Don’t Require Me to Change My Lifestyle at All!

While I’m not crazy about the idea of eating fish stuffed with avocados in a turmeric spiced sauce, I do like the idea that playing video games can make me smarter. The only problem is, like walnuts and kale, I don’t like most video games, so the salient question to me is: Which video games are reported to make me smarter?

And this, evidently, is where my disappointment with the prospect of brain-building video games begins, because not one of the games mentioned in the article above is Simpsons: Road Rage for the old PlayStation 2, or any iteration of Street Fighter 2.

I mean, these people expect me to play a game called Brain Fitness Pro – or, even worse – Brain It On? Don’t they have any games that allow me to shoot zombies until I get a PhD, or crush pieces of candy until my IQ doubles?

Clearly, this brain enhancement approach isn’t the perfect fit for my lifestyle, after all.

Forget Video Games – This is Way Better

At this point, I’m starting to wonder I became smart enough to even read about brain health in the first place, since I don’t snack on walnuts, spend hours playing Call of Cerebellum or pop brain pills with my morning cup of salmon-infused coffee.

And then, just when I was starting to lose hope (and quite possibly, eventually, the ability to spell hope) I stumbled across a study which unlocked the answer: “Women who have more sex have better developed brains.”

Granted, that’s the New York Post headline, not the name of the study, which was the somewhat less catchy “Sensory-Tactile Functional Mapping and Use-Associated Structural Variation of the Human Female Genital Representation Field.”

“We found an association between the frequency of genital intercourse and the thickness of the individually mapped genital field,” the paper’s co-author, Christine Heim, a professor of medical psychology at Charite University Hospital in Berlin, told the AFP.

Look, I’ll be honest: I haven’t had sex enough times yet to understand what Dr. Heim said there, but using my tried and true, highly scientific method of believing anything that sounds good, makes me happy and doesn’t require me to eat walnut encrusted sea avocados, I’m going to just assume this means that the more often I have sex, the smarter I will become.

And on that note, I’m off to find my husband. Whatever he’s doing right now can wait – it’s time for him to come fuck my brains in!