Today, Calico takes up the subject of the Twitter porn bot, and why it shouldn’t take bad coding on the part of the bot operators for readers to tell the difference between them and actual women — or Russian dudes who talk a bit like Matlock.
Read on…
by Calico Rudasill, at Sssh.com
Over on Motherboard, there’s a recent post offering an interesting peek behind the curtain of an automated Twitter porn bot, a view which comes courtesy of apparent coding errors by the folks who designed it.
Included in the data is a list of phrases which the bot can call upon to titillate readers of its posts into clicking and following links and ads, most of which use the tried and true approach of enticing men with the promise of visual treats like exposed breasts, the promise of explicit web chats and half-pound hamburgers slathered in cheddar cheese and bacon. (Ok, so I made up that last one, but let’s be honest here; it would work.)
As interesting as the article about the porn bot is, one thought kept running through my mind as I read it: Do (some) guys really need help differentiating porn bots from real women?
If so, have no fear fellas; Auntie Calico is here to help.
Pro Tip One: If It Quacks Like A Pro…
One of the phrases the porn bot examined by Vice had at its disposal is “try this my videos here.”
Setting aside the tortured, nonsensical syntax, which can be explained by the possibility of English not being the speaker’s native tongue, this isn’t something you’re likely to hear out of any real woman, unless she’s working an angle.
Think about it this way: If you’ve ever been to strip club, you must have noticed the highest-earning strippers therein usually are really, really nice to the clientele. They’ll often compliment men on their looks, clothes and sense of humor – and that’s just in the first thirty seconds of pre-lap dance conversation.
Fellas, do you seriously think these girls do this sort of thing simply because they’re very friendly people, or do you suppose it might be possible they’ve discovered the shortest path to a man’s wallet runs through his ego?
Sure, it’s possible when you read “if you like what you see you can my naked photos her” in a tweet, the source of it is a non-English-speaking woman who earnestly wants to share her intimate photos with you out of the goodness of her heart. But it’s far more likely you’re chatting with a script written by a fellow who is less interested in your arousal than your credit card number.
Beyond that, even if the incoherent tweet was composed by a real woman, it’s safe to assume she’s not out to make friends with you, either, any more than Crystal, for whom you recently (intone your best strip-club-DJ-voice here) “put your hands together” at the club, was sincerely impressed by your choice of footwear.
Pro Tip Two: Even Pros Plying An Angle Usually Don’t Talk Like Matlock
Among the stranger things about the porn bot’s lexicon is its frequent use of the filler phrase “sure can.”
When I read this, I can’t help but hear the southern drawl of an Andy Griffith character, spinning out an impassioned defense of a fictional client accused of some manner of crime.
Well, the prosecutor here sure can tell a nice tale, can’t he? Well, ladies and gentlemen, we got another story to tell and it’s one you sure can believe…
In my college days, one of my odder jobs was being a cocktail waitress at a couple different local “gentlemen’s clubs.” Whether it was the decidedly low-rent one at which I started but didn’t last long, or the surprisingly upscale one I stayed at for over a year, there was one thing I never heard anyone say, even from the Ukrainian girls prone to mangling English in conversation with clients; the filler phrase “sure can.”
So, while I suppose it’s possible some porn bots are really older southern gentlemen choosing an odd means of getting their online freak on while selectively pretending not to be familiar with the English language, the safer bet is when an unfamiliar woman tells you where to click to “can her naked photos,” you sure can’t necessarily believe what you read.
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