Sexual Positions – It Depends On The Couch

It seems like every time you turn around, someone has published a new article about the best sexual positions, or how to achieve the most pleasurable sex. Is outdoor sex the best, or can optimal pleasure be had in the back seat of a luxury vehicle? Should you watch porn with your partner, is doggy style better than missionary, is sex hottest when you do it standing up — the questions (and supposed answers) are limitless.

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Today, Calico looks at the latest claim she’s read about how to achieve the best sex, one which pegs a particular type of furniture as the ideal venue for sexy time. Read all about it in her latest post, “It Depends On The Couch” …

– Calico Rudasill, Porn For Women

People are always trying to tell us about ways to make our sex lives better, or to provide us with expert tips on how to achieve the “best” sex.

Some will tell you sex is enhanced by undressing slowly. Others say sex is best in one of seven different positions – although if you look closely, they offer a telling caveat: Namely, those seven positions are “pretty much guaranteed to help you orgasm.” Pretty much guaranteed? Is this is sort of like when I reserve a rental car at the airport, it’s “pretty much guaranteed” to be waiting for me when I show up at the counter?

Hell, there are even some people who claim the best sex is sex with Donald Trump – although, from the sound of it, the only person making that claim may have been Donald himself.

At any rate, I’ve always been firm in my opinion that what constitutes the “best sex” is going to vary greatly, person by person. Still, I’m always open to new information and arguments on this subject – which brings us to the latest claim “best sex” claim I’ve come across: “couch sex is the best sex.”

Not All Couches Are Created Equal For Sex Positions

In her piece for GQ, Sophia Benoit certainly makes some interesting points about couch sex, including a certain nostalgia factor I’d never considered.

“The couch says, Hey, we’re just hanging out, but I’m obviously thinking way more about making you come than the plot holes in James Cameron’s Avatar,” Benoit writes. “We tried to invent a phrase for it in 2014: Netflix & chill. The Netflix bit was wholly unnecessary, since if you get on a couch with a friend you kind of like, everyone knows where it’s going. It’s going to couch sex.”

While I’m not so sure having sex is inevitable whenever I sit on the couch with someone I “kind of like” (I kind of like my cousin, for instance, who has been known to sit on my couch at the same time as me), I can still see where she’s coming from.

It’s important to note though, when it comes to serving as sex-friendly locations, not all couches are created equal. For example, I once owned a couch which had big, hard plastic buttons in the middle of each cushion. I tried having sex on that couch precisely once – and all we determined in the process was neither of us wanted anything to do with having our back pressed up against one of those buttons while partially supporting the weight of another human.

I know what you’re thinking: Why not try a position in which your back isn’t against one of the buttons? Well, the height and weight of the couch just weren’t right for bend-over-the-couch sex, either. It became more of a stoop-over-couch situation, and the damn thing was so light and easily displaced, it scooted along a bit with each thrust, scarring up the hardwood floor – and chipping away at my security deposit as it did so.

One Of The Great Misnomers Of All Time: The “Loveseat”

I guess the reason people call them “loveseats” is that they allow people to face each other easily while sitting on the same piece of furniture – but unless you’re a snake or a contortionist, the s-curve shape of the classic loveseat doesn’t go in my book as being particularly conducive to having sex.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to have sex on one, just that it’s impossible to have sex with me on one. Thankfully, we don’t own a loveseat, so my husband will never have to add it to the list of places I’ve declined to have sex with him – a lengthy document which already includes the shower, the kitchen, our garage and our neighbor’s back porch. (Don’t ask; it’s a long, petty, revenge-fantasy-filled story.)

Besides, I Don’t Want To Fuck On My Cat’s Favorite Scratching Post

I’ve never been one to discipline my cats (I mean really, what’s the point?) and – among other things –

my laissez faire feline-rearing ways have resulted in my sectional couch becoming a de facto scratching post for my cat. More to the point, our cat loves that couch (and hates moving) so much, she only leaves it to eat, use the litter box, or scratch up some other nice thing I own.

Accordingly, were we to start using the couch as a place in which to bone, we’d just wind up getting stared at by a tabby cat, not because she’s particularly inquisitive, but simply because she’s too lazy to leave the living room in search of alternative seating arrangements.

Oh well. Maybe one of these days I’ll invest in a love swing – as a hammock for the cat, I mean.

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